Anyone with a large age gap relationship?

[TallulahBetty]

Been on a few dates recently with a man 20 years older than me. Known him for years but only back in contact 6 months ago, after I was separated from husband (divorced now). He has been a huge support to me as his marriage broke down at a similar age to mine.

Everything is going well, no red flags etc, but I do worry about the age gap, especially as we both get older (he is 60 and I am 40).

I suppose I'm after positive stories from people with similar age gaps - did it work out? Will the gap seem larger as time goes on? Should I stop worrying about this and just live in the moment?

Mum was 20 years older than my dad. 2 kids

My husband is 20 years older than me. We've been together for ten.

I think you just have to check if your views and values align. And if the 3rd leg works well.

I’m 48 and my partner is 69, we are together nearly four years. We get on brilliantly and are very happy. I was diagnosed with cancer last September and he has been amazing. I only wish I met him twenty years ago. Mumsnet seems to hate age gap relationships so you’ll probably get a lot of negative responses here.

My parents had 25 years between them, were married 35. The younger passed away first. There’s 24 years between DP and I, together 10 years.

I would rather have just one day with DP than 10 years with anyone else. You never know how life is going to pan out, happiness is the best aim.

Views and values do align. Not investigated the 'third leg' yet but I have seen evidence of it through jeans, lol

I wouldn't. I'm 56 and I can't imagine being with a 76 year old man, you'll likely end up as his carer. And I know that can happen to anyone but the chances are much much higher.

Agreed . I'd worry about energy levels aswell , late 50's is coming into retirement for hobbies , travel etc and how active / motivated will a late 70's person be .

My experience is of my parents and while their 19 yr age gap was fine for my whole life (kind of, mum has aged prematurely I'd say) now he is 79 and she's 60 it's not so great. She has become his carer, which can happen with any age I guess. I dunno, I have mixed feelings.

Posted too soon!

Mum has plenty of energy and I feel she should be travelling now/enjoying life while she can. But she's stuck with a frankly miserable old git.

sadly no but sometimes it feels like it!

I wouldn't.

He's basically rushing headlong into the age of life where those years between you are going to stretch. There's a big difference between 60 and 70, and 70 and 80. You have basically met him at the time of life where the difference in age is going to become most significant and have most impact on you.

Its not like you met him at 20 and he was 40 and you had a good 20 years together before the age difference started to really hit.

If you really, really love him you might decide to take that hit. But be aware that it will be you taking the hit, not him, and it will be quite significant.

Thanks all, food for thought.

A friend of mine is late 50s, her DH is mid 70s, he has retired and she has had to up her hours to keep on top of the bills. He spends all day on the sofa watching sport. I know not all mid 70s men are like this by any means but a hell of a lot don't really want to do much.

Her social life consists of meet ups with friends at weekends, or she'd be sitting with him indoors. Sounds very miserable.

Enjoy it for what it is now.
When you're 60 and he's 80, things won't be the same.

I'm 61, still active, working, mellow with life. DP is almost 70 and although the age gap isn't huge, he's turning into Mr Grumpy overnight. I've told him I won't be putting up with that, no way am I going into old age listening to all that. He is making efforts to change. But it's something to be aware of as difference in temperament can be pretty sudden.

I hadn't seen a work colleague for ages, asked about her and discovered she's almost housebound now as she's had to become her husband's carer. He's 77, she's 59.

Funny how nobody says that on older parent threads! On there it’s ’you’re only as old as you feel’ ‘my mum was doing yoga at 97’ etc

Thanks all. Just to give a bit of context, even if he was my age, I am not in the position where I want to get married again/move in with someone/have kids with someone, so it would just be dating etc based round when I don't have my child.

After a long-ish marriage from a young age, a tween child, and having had a massive fight to keep the house, the last thing I want to do is change the life I have managed to make for myself.

DH is early 80s, I am early 60s, been together 30+years. It's only the last year I have become a carer after a catastrophic occurrence and terminal diagnosis. I would rather be doing it now than in 20 years time with someone of a similar age. We had a bloody good time up to then.

10 year age gap between myself and DH, honestly if I could turn back time I wouldn't do it again. Maybe it's more personality than age but I feel our enthusiasm for life/energy levels aren't the same anymore and seem to be getting further apart the older we get.

If you're just dating shagging and you're enjoying yourself, then it's fine. But the longer you do that, the more you become attached and miss opportunities to be with someone else. I've had two big age gap relationships (neither as much as 20 years) and one is dead now and the other mid-70s. I just can't imagine being with someone that old (I'm still working). But I can't imagine being with someone 20 years younger either.

Yes, if your minds connect well. (That applies to all ages).

DDad was 11 years older than DM.
DM was 50 when DDad died. Young enough to "start again", but she spent her 40s nursing him (Parkinson's and early onset dementia) whilst also bringing up teenagers (I'm one of 4). 30 years on, she still says DDad was the most interesting person she ever met. She's had a couple of other LTR, but has never taken off her wedding ring. My maternal grandparents hated DDad!

A good friend of mine was widowed last year. Her husband was 22 years older, they got together at 19 and 41. They didn't have children. At 56 she is rediscovering the world as a younger person, having lived in the world of an unwell, nearly 80year old for some years. Again, steadied him and wouldn't have had it differently, but she says she aged very quickly when he retired.

Ditto. I’m 55 and can’t image dating anyone more than about 5 or so years older. I’ve only ever dated within a few years of my own age.

My last bf was 5 years older and even he seemed too old at times

I'm 60. My husband is 70. I notice the gap more as we age. Don't regret it, because I love him, but do think closer is better.

My grandparents have a big age gap and so so my own parents. My gran always says the only downside is that she had to “wind down” a lot younger than she felt ready to as when she was 60 and still very much full of life and energy, she had a 79 year old husband who she became a carer for. As others have said though tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, you could the be the younger one and get hit by a bus tomorrow. Happiness (in my opinion) has no age restrictions.