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Original poster

AIBU to worry about husband meeting old friend (maybe flame?) for drinks?

29 replies

unicornmum00 · 30/07/2024 12:55

Backstory: When DH (38) and I (36) started dating seven years ago, he introduced me to a close female friend who, upon meeting me, acted fairly uncomfortable. From the looks of things, it seemed that she had been sort of relying on him as her non-romantic "boyfriend" for some time (asking for help with things around her apartment, etc.). There was definitely some sort of tension there as well, and when I asked my now-DH about it, he said that they had never been together, but that he'd heard that she had a crush on him at some point.

I appreciated his honesty and, despite some awkwardness in the coming months (examples: calling him to come over and take care of her when she was sick, despite her roommate being around to help; asking him to zip up the back of her dress at an outing), I trusted that DH wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

DH and I ended up moving overseas and we didn't see this friend for years until she came to town when I was pregnant with DD last year. She was much different this time -- warmer to me, and she was great with my DS. There didn't seem to be any tension between them.

Fast forward to now: DH is on a work trip, and I'd forgotten that she lives in the city he's visiting. He just told me that last night he went to get drinks with her and another mutual (male) friend.

There's one side of me that isn't bothered at all because I trust him and she didn't seem to have that "crush" last time we saw her. But then there's another highly anxious, highly exhausted (because DD is ten months old and not sleeping) side of me that is terrified something happened.

I also don't really like the fact that he told me about it after getting the drinks. Maybe it's that he didn't think anything of it, but at the same time, he knows she used to have a crush on him, so I feel like it would have been more respectful to bring it up.

I'm 90% sure I'm overreacting about this whole thing, but I just wanted to know whether other ladies would feel uncomfortable?

TL:DR - DH went to drinks with an old friend who had once had a crush on him (another male friend was there, too). DH told me about it after the fact, and I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling worried.

OP posts:
Mintearo7 · 30/07/2024 13:04

If there’s no other reasons not to trust him then yes you are overreacting. But I would ask him next time to tell you beforehand, instead of pretending it’s no big deal, as you know she used to have a crush on him.

Flabjab · 30/07/2024 13:13

If the roles were reversed how would your DH like it? It's a slippery slope meeting with an ex crush and disrespectful of him to do that.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2024 13:18

Flabjab · 30/07/2024 13:13

If the roles were reversed how would your DH like it? It's a slippery slope meeting with an ex crush and disrespectful of him to do that.

Nonsense. She's more than one period of feelings. She's not a randomer with a crush, she's a friend that he's introduced to his wife, has met the child, and whom he was by chance in the vicinity of.

Devonshirerexx · 30/07/2024 13:24

From reading your post no , I would say don't worry, he didn't have to tell you at all , and you will pick up on his vibe when he gets home anyway, just concentrate on yourself, take your mind off it.

Thiswayorthatway · 30/07/2024 13:27

It’s fine, especially as a mutual male friend was also there so they weren’t on their own.

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 30/07/2024 13:27

I think I would be concerned from the point of view he knew that at one time she had quite strong feelings for him. So I think meeting up with her in the circumstances you describe was a bad judgement call from him. And I don't think it's an accident that he didn't tell you until after the evening had happened.
I'm sure it was an innocent enough meeting up but his lack of openess and consideration for your feelings would upset me a bit.

FragmentedProvision · 30/07/2024 13:30

I'd try to check that the other friend was actually there.

NearlyAugust · 30/07/2024 13:43

FragmentedProvision · 30/07/2024 13:30

I'd try to check that the other friend was actually there.

Same!

He mentioned it afterwards and there was a male friend there (so he says)!

I'm an older more cynical female and sadly know the ways of some men!

He knew not to mention it before he went, didn't he?

baileys6904 · 30/07/2024 13:52

If he wanted to cheat, why would he tell you he met up.

You either trust him or don't. It doesn't matter how she feels 🤷‍♀️

amigafan2003 · 03/08/2024 11:23

Quote:- "I trust him"

The evidence suggests otherwise.

Notamum12345577 · 03/08/2024 11:38

unicornmum00 · 30/07/2024 12:55

Backstory: When DH (38) and I (36) started dating seven years ago, he introduced me to a close female friend who, upon meeting me, acted fairly uncomfortable. From the looks of things, it seemed that she had been sort of relying on him as her non-romantic "boyfriend" for some time (asking for help with things around her apartment, etc.). There was definitely some sort of tension there as well, and when I asked my now-DH about it, he said that they had never been together, but that he'd heard that she had a crush on him at some point.

I appreciated his honesty and, despite some awkwardness in the coming months (examples: calling him to come over and take care of her when she was sick, despite her roommate being around to help; asking him to zip up the back of her dress at an outing), I trusted that DH wouldn't do anything to hurt me.

DH and I ended up moving overseas and we didn't see this friend for years until she came to town when I was pregnant with DD last year. She was much different this time -- warmer to me, and she was great with my DS. There didn't seem to be any tension between them.

Fast forward to now: DH is on a work trip, and I'd forgotten that she lives in the city he's visiting. He just told me that last night he went to get drinks with her and another mutual (male) friend.

There's one side of me that isn't bothered at all because I trust him and she didn't seem to have that "crush" last time we saw her. But then there's another highly anxious, highly exhausted (because DD is ten months old and not sleeping) side of me that is terrified something happened.

I also don't really like the fact that he told me about it after getting the drinks. Maybe it's that he didn't think anything of it, but at the same time, he knows she used to have a crush on him, so I feel like it would have been more respectful to bring it up.

I'm 90% sure I'm overreacting about this whole thing, but I just wanted to know whether other ladies would feel uncomfortable?

TL:DR - DH went to drinks with an old friend who had once had a crush on him (another male friend was there, too). DH told me about it after the fact, and I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling worried.

If it was just those 2 I would say it is slightly inappropriate. But with another male friend? Would be fine in my mind.

Mugofchoice · 03/08/2024 11:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Flabjab · 03/08/2024 14:19

@Mugofchoice my thoughts EXACTLY. Completely agree with you and sorry you went through that (as did I) x

Noseybookworm · 03/08/2024 15:00

I think it sounds fine. Just because she had a crush on him for a bit, doesn't make her an old flame. I don't think you've got anything to worry about there OP

DecoratingDiva · 03/08/2024 18:06

Logically I would say you are overthinking this and she is just a friend but my DH has a very close female friend who he met when working away 25+ years ago that I cannot stand him going out with.

When they met, their other colleagues thought they were having an affair but they were not (she was actually having an affair with her lodger at the time) and they have remained close. I have met her, we have stayed with each other etc, she’s lovely etc but I do not want my DH to be friends with her. It’s not rational but that is how I feel.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2024 18:12

examples: calling him to come over and take care of her when she was sick

Did he actually do this?

Vipsania · 03/08/2024 18:19

Short and simple: Where there is smoke, there is fire.
No way should they meet without you. I don't care if her mother was with them having drinks. The old crush is a problem. More so, because she never really acted it out in real time. Why are men so stupid. Why would he do anything to make you feel concerned or question? Sometimes in situations like this the husband loves the feeling of being wanted. Let him know up front when he gets home - NO BUENO !!!

1mabon · 03/08/2024 19:06

Thin end of the wedge me thinks

ForgottenPalace · 03/08/2024 19:42

He's loving the attention from her. I guarantee it. And she's loving his attention. And she sounds weird.

Watchkeys · 03/08/2024 19:58

I'm 90% sure I'm overreacting about this whole thing

If you trusted him 100%, you wouldn't be worried about this.

You don't trust your husband. Respect your feelings. Nobody can tell you you shouldn't have them, which is what telling you you are 'over reacting' would be doing.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2024 20:03

I think him telling you after the fact was rather calculated. I'm not saying he behaved inappropriately with her, no one but them know that, but not telling you before hand, I suspect, was deliberate, and that is a concern.

INeedARest22 · 03/08/2024 20:06

Who was the "other mutual friend"? ... They could be entirely made up and he could be feeling guilty now.

Poddledoddle · 03/08/2024 20:20

I'd feel 100% the same as you, but id know I was in the wrong. Sad face.

Hididi11 · 03/08/2024 21:14

Agreee

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/08/2024 21:18

I’d be ok with this.