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Original poster

Help please! How can I deal with husbands porn addiction?

46 replies

Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 01:32

Hi ladies,
This is my first time posting so I hope I’m doing this right.
I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’re mostly happy. He has been a porn addict since he was exposed to it from young. I didn’t know this was a problem until maybe about a year ago. He does truly want to get better but has struggled. I don’t know how bad it really is as he is ashamed and doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. I personally don’t mind porn. I used to occasionally use it myself and I expected him to also be watching it more frequently than I am just because he is a male. I honestly still don’t mind him watching porn but I feel really hurt when I find out he’s been using girls social media profiles to get off. Tiktok, twitter, instagram, snapchat, telegram, Reddit and even only fans at some point. I don’t like that he’s watching females solo performances. I’ve talked to him about this many times but it seems this is what he is addicted to at the moment. The focus is on the girl and only her. It hurts the
most when I see that they’re clothed but naked. And often not doing explicitly sexual stuff but dancing or twerking, showing off their bodies. I’m currently 6 months pregnant and suffering from depression so I feel the pain is worse than ever before. I’m tired of being insecure and worrying about what he’s up to. I truly believe him when he says he wants to change but I know the journey to recover will be long and trying. I expect that he will slip up and relapse. How can I deal with my insecurity ? So that I’m not bothered by him getting off to girls social media’s just like I’m not bothered by him using porn.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2024 03:16

Your marriage is doomed. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. This sickness of his will destroy you, and you can't fix him.

jubs15 · 30/07/2024 07:22

Why do you think you're the one who needs to change? You don't need to work on your insecurities, he needs to work on what is appropriate and respectful behaviour within a marriage/committed relationship. What he's doing is 100% not it.

unsync · 30/07/2024 07:32

That's a him problem, not a you problem. He's the one that needs to do something about his addiction. Does he want to? Saying he wants to is not the same as actually doing something. What steps has he already taken to address this? If he can't even discuss it openly, you're in for a long, hard time. Is he actually worth it? What do you want? Is this how you want your life to be for the foreseeable future?

cupcaske123 · 30/07/2024 07:34

OP he's being really disrespectful to you, irrespective of whether you mind porn or not. He's moved from porn to social media and then he'll move onto cam girls and then cheating in real life.

If he's an addict there's not much you can do. You can't control his addiction. I wouldn't put up with my partner constantly masturbating to porn and other women and would tell him to either get help or get out. I imagine it effects your sex life as well.

WitchyBits · 30/07/2024 07:48

Op the problem with addictions is that they escalate.

My adult son was exposed to priority at a young age and became addicted to porn. I had zero idea about it as he was the best behaved young man, did brilliantly at his GCSEs etc and then stinky at 15 started questioning his gender as became suicidal. I was still oblivious as he told me it was all because he was trans. A week past his 18th birthday my house was raided by the police and he was arrested for sharing illegal images. My entire family had been destroyed and we have lost friends etc. the entire town know what happened as it was in the papers.

Where do you think addictions end up? Addicts get worse and worse and cause more and more trauma to the people around them. They are selfish liars by their very nature

He won't get better and your entire life will be caged arrived this.

Ladybugdance · 30/07/2024 08:25

My worry is that your husband identifies as an addict but you don’t mention any steps he’s taken to address it. Being open is a big step for a porn addict (addiction is full of shame and secrecy) but if it’s truly an addiction he won’t improve by force of will. Like previous posters have said it’s also likely to escalate into other behaviours. He needs to get therapy and/or join a support group like SAA (they help porn and sex addicts work the 12 steps like AA).

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to request it. Porn can be a normal behaviour in a consenting relationship but (as with other behavioural addictions like gambling and shopping) it can become a real problem.

Naunet · 30/07/2024 15:47

What steps has he taken so far OP to get help for this?

PickAChew · 30/07/2024 15:50

He's the one who has work to do. He sees women as meat. Why should you force yourself to be happy with that?

Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 21:33

jubs15 · 30/07/2024 07:22

Why do you think you're the one who needs to change? You don't need to work on your insecurities, he needs to work on what is appropriate and respectful behaviour within a marriage/committed relationship. What he's doing is 100% not it.

@jubs15 ive definitely become more and more insecure over the years because of him. I don’t want to get into too much details but it’s made me hate and worry for where society is heading. Sex/nudity is everywhere now, there’s no escaping it and a lot of people seem to find it acceptable/normal. I don’t feel comfortable watching movies with female nudity in it anymore. Definitely not with him. There’s no way I would be okay with us going to the beach. Stuff like this, that make me believe I’m insecure and I should work on it.

I blame him primarily as if I felt safe in my relationship I wouldn’t have to worry so much. This is true, what he’s doing is 100% not it. But the damage is done and I need to heal myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 21:50

unsync · 30/07/2024 07:32

That's a him problem, not a you problem. He's the one that needs to do something about his addiction. Does he want to? Saying he wants to is not the same as actually doing something. What steps has he already taken to address this? If he can't even discuss it openly, you're in for a long, hard time. Is he actually worth it? What do you want? Is this how you want your life to be for the foreseeable future?

@unsync

To be honest I don’t know if he’s worth it anymore. When I think about staying i usually think about our kids and how financially rewarding a future together would be. We have a 3 year old and another one due in November. Though I’m sure if I told you the other issues we’re facing in this relationship you’d call me insane for staying. Even though our relationship isn’t as toxic as it used to be I think I still feel the effects of trauma bonding. I’ve been dependant on him for a while, though he’s now out of work so I financially support us whilst we’re living with his dad. I’m taking steps to prepare myself so that I can eventually feel strong enough to leave.

OP posts:
FloydPink · 30/07/2024 21:57

I would say its the same as any addiction or something you are not happy with:

Calmly, explain why it's an issue for you and how it makes you feel. If you think its a dealbreaker then say so, as blunt as "either you/we work on this together or its over, its your decision". If he prefers porn he will chose that. If not, then he will need to do the hard work but you can support him.

The issue is that unlike say alcohol/drugs, it's hard to spot. I work from home so if that was me I could say I am giving up, when your out the house (work, shops) I can simply go onto private browsing and do whatever and you are none the wiser.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/07/2024 22:37

You need to have zero tolerance for this. If he’s serious about giving up and becoming a decent husband/ father then he should get rid of his smart phone and computer.

PickAChew · 30/07/2024 23:06

Does he have any good qualities? At all? He's a porn addict with roaming eyes and now living off you. It will never get better.

Copperoliverbear · 30/07/2024 23:12

You can deal with it by telling him to leave, you'd be better off without him. X

Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:21

@Naunet

I have suggested that he gets himself a CSAT to help him begin the right path to recovery but they’re expensive and he believes he can do it on his own. Getting rid of social media- he told me there’s no point as he could just redownload them again whenever he wanted to relapse. I’ve told him to find out what his triggers are so he can take steps to avoid them. He has no idea what they are and the urge is supposedly random. Right now, he’s relying on being able to control himself. He’s apparently been clean for the last 2 months (is usually honest about slip ups) He’ll be joining the navy in September. He feels this will allow him to detox since he won’t be able to use his phone for the first 3 months of training. Also being taught discipline and being kept busy all the time. He left his job for this so he’s currently has way too much time with nothing to do.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 30/07/2024 23:28

If he really wanted to change, he'd be seeking help. He isn't though, so he doesn't really want to change, he just wants to shut you up.

Your later post makes it clear he had treated you really badly..No wonder you feel insecure. You can "work on yourself" by getting rid of this awful man. You could seek help and advice from someone like women's aid who know a lot about helping women get away from pricks like your OH.

Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:35

PickAChew · 30/07/2024 23:06

Does he have any good qualities? At all? He's a porn addict with roaming eyes and now living off you. It will never get better.

@PickAChew

He definitely does have some good qualities. When he was working, he was a good provider who would never say no to me and often buy me gifts. He’s an artist and would gift me drawings/portraits of myself to show his love. Always tells me he loves me and compliments me especially when I put in the least effort to look good. He protects me even from his own parents when needed. He unfortunately has a practically nonexistent relationship with our 3 year old because our son is autistic and doesn’t interact with people like a neurotypical child does. But he’s always making plans for how he’ll raise our little one once he starts to talk and understand the world around him. We’ve been in some pretty difficult situations, he always finds a way out. He’s very smart and I know he will do some great things in the future. We are both really young, 22. I feel knowing this will help shape perspective. We're still sort of navigating life.

OP posts:
Flingflongdingdong · 30/07/2024 23:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:40

candycane222 · 30/07/2024 23:28

If he really wanted to change, he'd be seeking help. He isn't though, so he doesn't really want to change, he just wants to shut you up.

Your later post makes it clear he had treated you really badly..No wonder you feel insecure. You can "work on yourself" by getting rid of this awful man. You could seek help and advice from someone like women's aid who know a lot about helping women get away from pricks like your OH.

@candycane222
You're right. When one of the commenters asked me if he has any good qualities it gave me a chance to reflect on our relationship and him as a person. It was very hard answering this question. I know leaving will probably be best for my mental health. It’s just really hard. I’ll check out women’s aid btw what does OH stand for? Sorry still kinda new to this. 🤗

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

@Flingflongdingdong 😂😂 oh this was funny 🤣 I’m not worried as he’s the most anti “hello sailor” person I know. He doesn’t hate homosexuals or anything, he actually has a good gay friend. He just reallyyy doesn’t like their form of intimacy and would probably have a heart attack if his son came out to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:53

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress
He’s a total phone addict! Can’t live without internet, like how would he entertain himself?? His entire family is like this unfortunately. Their family time would consist of them sitting in the living room with a movie playing and each and every one of them(from the 8yr old youngest kid to the 50 year old dad) on devices. I jokingly suggested he get a flip phone today and he said he’d rather a nokia brick 🤣 I might bring it up again to show I’m seriously interested

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 30/07/2024 23:59

FloydPink · 30/07/2024 21:57

I would say its the same as any addiction or something you are not happy with:

Calmly, explain why it's an issue for you and how it makes you feel. If you think its a dealbreaker then say so, as blunt as "either you/we work on this together or its over, its your decision". If he prefers porn he will chose that. If not, then he will need to do the hard work but you can support him.

The issue is that unlike say alcohol/drugs, it's hard to spot. I work from home so if that was me I could say I am giving up, when your out the house (work, shops) I can simply go onto private browsing and do whatever and you are none the wiser.

@FloydPink Absolutely! This is what drives me crazy about it. Except I don’t even have to be out the house, he could just be in the bathroom/shower doing it or wait until I fall asleep. ( happened before). He’s been given this ultimatum before and always picks me. Makes it so hard to walk away 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 31/07/2024 00:02

Ladybugdance · 30/07/2024 08:25

My worry is that your husband identifies as an addict but you don’t mention any steps he’s taken to address it. Being open is a big step for a porn addict (addiction is full of shame and secrecy) but if it’s truly an addiction he won’t improve by force of will. Like previous posters have said it’s also likely to escalate into other behaviours. He needs to get therapy and/or join a support group like SAA (they help porn and sex addicts work the 12 steps like AA).

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to request it. Porn can be a normal behaviour in a consenting relationship but (as with other behavioural addictions like gambling and shopping) it can become a real problem.

@Ladybugdance
to be honest with you we are not entirely sure of the steps he should take. I know seeking help with a therapist who specialises in his type of addiction would probably be a good first step. He hasn’t done that as it’s apparently got a really long wait list and can be quite pricey. How would we find these types of support groups?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 31/07/2024 00:09

WitchyBits · 30/07/2024 07:48

Op the problem with addictions is that they escalate.

My adult son was exposed to priority at a young age and became addicted to porn. I had zero idea about it as he was the best behaved young man, did brilliantly at his GCSEs etc and then stinky at 15 started questioning his gender as became suicidal. I was still oblivious as he told me it was all because he was trans. A week past his 18th birthday my house was raided by the police and he was arrested for sharing illegal images. My entire family had been destroyed and we have lost friends etc. the entire town know what happened as it was in the papers.

Where do you think addictions end up? Addicts get worse and worse and cause more and more trauma to the people around them. They are selfish liars by their very nature

He won't get better and your entire life will be caged arrived this.

@WitchyBits I’m so sorry this happened to you and thank you for sharing. Addictions are horrible. They don’t just ruin the addict but also affects their loved ones. I hope you have managed to heal from this. Sending you lots of love xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghxreeba · 31/07/2024 00:14

cupcaske123 · 30/07/2024 07:34

OP he's being really disrespectful to you, irrespective of whether you mind porn or not. He's moved from porn to social media and then he'll move onto cam girls and then cheating in real life.

If he's an addict there's not much you can do. You can't control his addiction. I wouldn't put up with my partner constantly masturbating to porn and other women and would tell him to either get help or get out. I imagine it effects your sex life as well.

@cupcaske123 I have known addictions worsen over time but he has been fixated on social media girls for the last 2-3 years or so. It’s always what I’ve caught him on. I don’t know what the time scale is for how addictions progressively get worse. I don’t think he’d move on from here but perhaps if it did escalate that would cause me to finally leave.

OP posts:
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