How do you actually put boundaries in place?

[SunshineonLeaves]

I’ve had a very challenging year with several deaths, a cancer scare and a house move to help my DP through, consequently I feel absolutely burnt out and quite fragile. I’ve had tough times before (as well all do) and I’m glad now I can recognise how I feel and do my best to address it.

My focus needs to be on my DP, my job and my daughter - everything else needs to go on the back burner for a bit. I know this sounds selfish but you can only split yourself so many ways can’t you? I’m trying to eat well, get some sleep which I’m struggling with and generally take a bit of a step back from everything else.

Family and friends are not taking this well though, in particular my DM who is challenging at the best of times. I’m getting stressed texts asking if she’s upset me and why we haven’t spoken when I’ve actually texted several times and we’ve chatted on the family group. Friends seem to think I’m being a bit of a drama Queen - I haven’t flounced off, I’m happy to chat but just don’t want to commit to anything else at the moment.

We’re always told to put healthy boundaries in place but when you try nobody seems to accept them - where am I going wrong?

boundaries from what exactly? family visiting or just messaging?

**Friends seem to think I’m being a bit of a drama Queen - I haven’t flounced off, I’m happy to chat but just don’t want to commit to anything else at the moment”

Friends? don’t sound like my kind of friend

You're coming across as a bit precious. Did you move house or just help your partner move?

helping your DP move as one of your big stresses?

Hi Op,

I am sure everyone will adjust to your new contact levels soon enough. Just reply politely saying "All ok, just feeling a bit drained at the moment" and let them get on with it. My dm did similar when I went back to work full time, I just kept replying and reminding her of all that I was trying to fit in to each day till she understood that I wasn't trying to ignore her or punish her, I was just busy.

Did everyone else miss the bit where op mentioned deaths. Grief is really hard and when living with it even simple tasks may become overwhelming.

Part of it is switching your mindset to the fact that you’re not responsible for how another grown adult feels or responds to something.
They don’t need to accept or even like the boundaries, we need to keep stating them!

If you clearly & kindly state to DM that you need some space for a few weeks, you don’t need to “fix it” if she can’t handle that, or keep explaining to your friends.

When we have blurred boundaries it’s because we worry about the other person feeling bad (making us responsible for how they feel) or we “feel bad” for stating our needs. So let them think you’re a drama llama - that’s you worrying about what they think,

if you think about it logically, you simply can’t be responsible for how someone feels.

The caveat is when this is used abusively, obviously.

but to include losing multiple people along with helping your DP move…. is odd

Thank you @WonderingWanda

I wouldn’t normally be ‘precious’ or find someone else’s house move a strain but after losing 3 people within 9 months and the other things I mentioned I’m not quite at the top of my game emotionally.

I just need a break from being other people’s shoulder to cry on or having things expected of me that I’d rather not do. I think a lot of women feel like this at my age regardless of other circumstances but when we stop being people pleasers it doesn’t go down well.

House moves are known to be stressful and his has been more than most - again you’d normally just suck it up but when you’re a bit drained all the ‘will it won’t it happen’ etc is hard work 🤷🏻‍♀️

i lay out clear times.

for example - I have a lot on/ am shattered/ will be turning off phone so will call you next week.

when next week arrives (say Monday). I text and ask if they are free to chat tomorrow?

It is hard to implement in the real world as different people react in different ways. If you have had so much going on they may need you as the shoulder but also may worry if you “go dark”.

Sounds like you have had a hellish time op. I am sorry to read that and wish you well.

or

sounds like you need to put in boundaries with your DP

@whichfan are you deliberately being arsey? DP is the biggest support in my life but his cancer scare and house move problems were out of both of our hands. Surely it’s not hard to see how they could be stressful?

Whenever I need to take a step back from having to see or communicate with people I send a message along the lines of

“hey, sorry we haven’t spoken/caught up in a while. Life has been really hectic lately and to be honest I’m feeling quite over whelmed so please don’t think my silence is anything personal towards you. I would love to set a date to catch up in a few weeks once I’m feeling more myself. I hope you’re well and I want you to know that I value our friendship/relationship.”

The thing is, you don't need people to accept your boundaries as such, you just keep calmly reaffirming them. Other people can like it or lump it.

It sounds like you may have been something of a people pleaser? If so, it's pretty standard for some people in your life to get up in arms when you put in place boundaries. They want to be able to dump on you and coerce you into filling that role you've always done.

The people who aren't true support to you will show themselves up. It's sad, but it's better to know.

oh come on

all you said what one of your big stresses was helping him move

how was i to know he was prince charming

You weren’t to know, I’d have just expected a slight let nicer attitude bearing in mind the subject of the post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ignore people picking up on saying you were helping your boyfriend move house. No, that alone probably wouldn't have caused you much stress but it's contributed to the weight of things you're having to think about, consider, prioritise etc. It's not in the same league as bereavements but could quite easily be the tipping point between coping and not. It's exactly what 'the straw that broke the camels back' refers to.

Some people just like to be arsey.

As for how you put boundaries in place - exactly as you are doing. Say no. Withdraw. Explain what you are currently able/not able to do.

I think a lot of women feel like this at my age regardless of other circumstances but when we stop being people pleasers it doesn’t go down well.

It's not compulsory to be a people pleaser but it is common for people pleasers to face a backlash when they start to care less about pleasing others.

As others have said, it's not your responsibility to manage other people's emotional responses. Just because someone is upset by what you've said, it doesn't automatically mean you've said something wrong.

Restate your position and hold firm. Oh and other people don't gave to accept your boundaries either. They can stamp their feet as much as they like but as long as you don't give in to it, your boundaries are still in place.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses OP. Have you had any counselling? You could try Cruse to help process them.

I don't understand why you're being accused of flouncing. You haven't explained why your friends are accusing you of flouncing.

Just be clear with people. I've been through a lot recently and just need some time to recoup. Can we put plans on hold for the time being? Something like that.

As for your mum, just say We spoke earlier, I'm busy now will text tomorrow. And ignore any further messages.

Boundaries are about lines you draw and protecting those lines.

I’m sorry for your losses. When I need to do this, I tell my friends/family that I’m a bit overloaded and can’t come to whatever they are suggesting “but please keep inviting me and I’ll be there when life balances out a bit”.

I do think it’s important to see friends though because it sounds like it’s your turn to be supported by them, it can do you a lot of good to lean on someone else for support even if you aren’t used to doing so.

I would agree with other posters, it’s okay to withdraw but let other people know why. Yes I’m sure they know about the deaths, but people cope in different ways. Some like to withdraw for a period of quiet, others like to get out there with people for support.

I’ve been in the situation of regularly texting people for a meet up; but if they continually say no without any explanation I eventually give up. You don’t want to be two years down the line with no friends.

Thank you for the kinder posts (I know some of the earlier ones were very kind too).

My friends haven’t accused me of flouncing, I just get the impression they think (like some pp) I’m being a bit precious but I’m the first of us to lose a parent so I guess it’s hard to understand how it can feel.

I am having counselling but I’m not finding it all that helpful, it does help me sort my head out a bit but it can’t change anything.

Very old friends and none of them have exactly said this so it might just be me! I just get the feeling they don't understand why I'm suddenly not the life and soul of the party - maybe they would have if it had been directly after my parent's death, I was OK at the time but the 2 other deaths since seem to have tipped me over the edge hence the need for a bit of time out.