It’s a narcissism question….am I dealing with one or is it something else?

[Lookslikesun]

There is a close family member in my life like this and I’m wondering if they could be narcissistic or whether there is another “label” for this. I’m just trying to work out how to deal
with them. I’ll try and explain what they are like.

They don’t seem to have any understanding that other people have come from different situations, have different likes, different experiences and different needs and feelings on things. They align themselves only with people who are more or less exactly like them. If you are not like them then you are ignored, no effort is put into you. With me in particular when we all spoke in family get togethers If I mentioned my point of view and it was often different then I was laughed at or told that what I said was ridiculous, they are quite hostile about it. You could be talking about something that’s happened to you that has really upset you or caused distressed and it’ll be completely ignored because they don’t relate. There is no empathy to things outside of what they think needs it. To be fair there really isn’t any empathy at all. It has caused me great distress as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings on things based on there views on it.

They think they are right all the time, their views on life and how to live are the only way. Align or be of no importance. If you align then you get so much attention if you don’t then you on your own.

Ive read up things and is this narcissistic? Or just selfish. I wouldn’t say it was malignant but it’s so bloody awful to not be seen for who you are. I spend less and less time with them as I’m just not able to hide who I am all the time (and shouldn’t have to).

No, not narcissism, but what difference would it make if it was? MN speak of narcissists as if they are all the same, but they are all individuals too, and there is no "pattern" of how to react to one. Also, they are very very rare, and I would estimate that less than 1% of people who get called narcs on MN actually are.

Just minimise unnecessary contact and rub along the best you can with this relative, as we all do with relatives we dislike who dislike us

It could be asd traits - especially with the inability to understand other people may see things differently to you .

Npd - you can see other people see things differently, you just don't care . But they may be able to mask/ pretend they do

It could be asd traits - especially with the inability to understand other people may see things differently to you .

Npd - you can see other people see things differently, you just don't care . But they may be able to mask/ pretend they do

@Lilly11a they have hurt my feelings and I’ve made it known and all they do is deny, there has never been one I’m sorry. They are quite judgmental of people who don’t do things the way they think. Absolutely no awareness that for example someone who has been hurt by something might not like it.

Doesn’t sound like narcissism. Are they stuck up or they could just be a dick? Maybe they just dislike certain people

I thought possibly ASD. They struggle with quite a few relationships they can’t relate to.

Everything has to be very shallow, no deep conversations, always happy and easy, everything has to be going well. If it’s not stay away from them as they won’t help or offer any kind words or support. They side with family members only doing well and portraying this everything is easy and happy notion.

It’s like they have removed parts of their brain that does the different emotions part.

Definitely this is selfish behaviour and mean behaviour. Can’t label it narcissism just from this piece of information but either way I feel for you.

Sounds like snobbery to me.

They are perfect, their adult kids are perfect. It’s all crap because no one is perfect.

It's a myth autistic people don't have empathy btw.

I read this as a male? Seems like extreme male entertainment sort of behaviour. If they are male do they act like this with all people or just women?
Narcissists use people and that doesn't come across in your post. Does it really matter what the correct label is really this is not a healthy relationship to have in your life and keeping your distance is probably for the best.

It’s a female. Definitely it healthy but cou

But couldn’t figure out what’s going on.

@PurpleBugz in a way they do use people. The only family members in their circle are ones who’ve turned out like them or aligned to them so that get some attention. So they all act perfect so everyone on the outside thinks they are perfect and I’m sure that’s how they want to be seen.

Narcissists are quite different and much more intense than this. This person just seems like a bit of a dick. They are super charming until they are not and then they will manipulate you and guilt trip you etc.

I personally believe narcissists are a lot more common than people realize so I don’t think mumsnet is over diagnosing it, however there’s not enough information here for anyone to say. You have described someone who is self centred, shallow, uncompromising and disagreeable, but a narcissist would need to have an element of abusive and manipulative behaviour in that they charm and manipulate people into liking them, but bully and undermine those that don’t.
One of the peculiar things about narcissists is that they don’t just cut off people who disagree with them, they attempt punish them by smearing them and turning others against them. It’s strange how much effort they put into staying at the top of their imaginary pile.
So maybe this person is in fact a narcissist, but a narcissist is more than someone who is just a miserable pain in the arse.

Yeah I can’t say for sure about the charm part. Our relationship has just deteriorated as they can’t accept me for who I am. They don’t see that they are the problem. They put an awful lot of effort into other relationships and we are ostracised now. I feel like I’m being punished for not being like them by being ignored, my children are also ignored. I feel like a scapegoat because I don’t pretend to be perfect. I’m all the bad that they ignore in themselves and in others who can do absolutely no wrong.

@Lookslikesun be happy you are not like them if that is what they are like.

Could be triangulation due to narcissism but also could just be a toxic person. I would not blame asd on any of it because not all people with asd are dicks the same way not all nt people are dicks.

I thought perhaps we just don’t speak the same language so perhaps it was some ND. But she seems to be able to speak the language to those they want to or those she thinks deserves. I wonder if there is something underlying. But you are right I am glad I’m not like them and I really don’t wish to be. She seems happy that I’ve backed off and don’t make an effort. I would be sad and asking why I’ve hurt someone personally.

I don’t think you need to label this person or understand their motivations. Just accept that is who they are and how they behave and decide whether you want them in your life.

I could accommodate a neurodivergence but not just toxic to be mean.

It doesn't, on the surface, sound like narcissism although it could be. Hard to tell from your post. Yes, lack of empathy is a pretty classic narcissistic trait BUT most narcissists (both covert and grandiose) are pretty good at faking empathy or picking moments for it - eg grand gestures for the NDNs who have just lost a spouse, ostentatious volunteering with a children's organisation etc - and are less likely to be quite so overt in their lack of empathy in general discussion.

Also, narcissists like control so while your point that this family member only realyl engages with people who are like them/do what they want, they don't seem to be actively making too much effort to get anyone to change their behaviour/opinions to match them.

If this family member is your mother, there could be an element of golden child/scapegoat going on.

MOre likely this person is just a bit of a wanker and, if you can, the more you can distance yourself, the better.

Narcissism is a personality trait on a spectrum. It’s not a black and white “is this person a narcissist or not?” It’s more a question of how narcissistic someone is. But I recommend watching Dr Ramani’s video(s) on the difference between being a selfish jerk vs being narcissistic.

Dont get too hung up on labels. The behaviour sucks, accept it and deal with it using appropriate boundaries.

A lot of these types of behaviours (can, quite often do) come from the badly behaved person's past trauma and insecurity - perhaps for this person it is too challenging to try to empathise at a deeper level or to acknowledge that everything isn't always great and perfect, because it makes them feel out of control, threatened and insecure and so they have to deny and minimise that, cut it out of their life so that they feel adequately safe.

But it doesn't really matter why, and finding the "right" label doesn't do anything to change or resolve the behaviour.

They are an adult, if they have past trauma, it's on them to find healthy ways to manage and address it.

And you are an adult, so if someone in your life continues to not treat you in ways you find acceptable after you have raised it with them, then you need to find healthy ways to manage and address that for you.