It’s a narcissism question….am I dealing with one or is it something else?

[Lookslikesun]

There is a close family member in my life like this and I’m wondering if they could be narcissistic or whether there is another “label” for this. I’m just trying to work out how to deal
with them. I’ll try and explain what they are like.

They don’t seem to have any understanding that other people have come from different situations, have different likes, different experiences and different needs and feelings on things. They align themselves only with people who are more or less exactly like them. If you are not like them then you are ignored, no effort is put into you. With me in particular when we all spoke in family get togethers If I mentioned my point of view and it was often different then I was laughed at or told that what I said was ridiculous, they are quite hostile about it. You could be talking about something that’s happened to you that has really upset you or caused distressed and it’ll be completely ignored because they don’t relate. There is no empathy to things outside of what they think needs it. To be fair there really isn’t any empathy at all. It has caused me great distress as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings on things based on there views on it.

They think they are right all the time, their views on life and how to live are the only way. Align or be of no importance. If you align then you get so much attention if you don’t then you on your own.

Ive read up things and is this narcissistic? Or just selfish. I wouldn’t say it was malignant but it’s so bloody awful to not be seen for who you are. I spend less and less time with them as I’m just not able to hide who I am all the time (and shouldn’t have to).

That makes a lot of sense. Keep me at arms length, a nice controllable distance away. Another words emotionally cut me off.

Definitely not ASD.

There will be other behaviours that point to narcissism and cluster B personality disorders and that is why you've posted on here.

Im not sure. Very rigid thinking, black white right wrong. No ability to talk about feelings or emotions, safe talking. There is empathy I think for the those they want to give it to.

Label it, or not, the outcome is the same surely? You are within your rights to avoid people who's behaviour you don't like, and who you don't enjoy spending time with, whatever the root cause of the behaviour. The reason why they're a intolerable pain in the arse is very much theirs to spend the energy on fathoming, not you.

Is this your mother or grandmother? To me this reads as very female because you and she both expect a high level of intimacy, support, and mirroring/empathizing. Bit you each fault the other for not offering what you want.

That feels more like a typical (toxic) mother daughter relationship than a more distant one .

I would suggest reading up about unsatisfying family relationships—however they are degined. Susan Forward’s books. The books by Gibson on Adult children of the emotionally immature, and the book “ Will I ever be good enough”

if this person can’t care about you in a way that is meaningful for you then you have to cut back on caring or contact or both.

If they take revenge on you or punish you that is a pretty good sign that they are technically a narcissist. If they let you be you without attacking ir smearing your reputation then its just common or garden variety solipsism.

Self-absorbed and egocentric maybe?

The answer to your question lies in the fact whether or not the person -in- question 's parents were born in the same town..I will leave it at that.

regardless.
YOU feel the need to be seen ,not "equal" etc
even if the genuinely dont give a shite
only chnge YOU caan do is-whatchu do withthat

Just sounds like a knob to me.

I could accommodate a neurodivergence but not just toxic to be mean

This is the unhealthy psychology you need to be looking at, rather than trying to give a professional diagnosis to someone, without having any training, in order to find a way to forgive them for continually treating you poorly.

Why do you need to let them off the hook? Why not just keep your distance, physically where possible, and emotionally, if not?

Maybe they just don’t like you?
No-one is liked by everyone.

Move on. Don’t worry about it!

Sounds just like my autistic mother and father. You don’t have to put up with it.

I completely agree. If someone treats you badly, it doesn’t actually matter why. Just cut them out.

@Watchkeys I think you are right. I don’t enjoy their company regardless of the reason, knowing won’t make them easier to be around.

I think what confirmed for me my MIL’s narcissism was a light hearted conversation with my SIL about the music that made me emotional and cry. MIL was part of the conversation but was genuinely gobsmacked that music could make us cry.
She had always blown hot and cold with SiL and me ( both DIL) but her cruelty was always unwitnessed so her sons found it hard to believe apart from my DH who had always been the scapegoat.
When I finally found an explanation for her behaviour she ticked all the boxes.
I was careful never to leave DS with her for too long, he favoured FIL. But DS is a bright individual who became aware of MILs need for fuel. She did this mostly by constantly comparing her grandchildren. DS learned to keep his achievements from her because she would always outdo it with his cousins ‘better’ achievements.
Although I feel very sorry for the ‘golden child cousin’ who has suffered severe mental health issues during his teens. There is part of me that beams because my DS is ‘normal’, passed his A levels and is off to uni this year after a gap year. DS had an awful two years during Alevels. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and DH had a stroke. I am so proud of how DS managed to cope with the added pressure.
His cousin who is the same age has just taken his English and Maths GCSE.
As I said I feel very sorry for him but I can’t help smiling at MILs disappointment that he didn’t turn out as she envisaged. His younger sister is the high achiever. I just hope that she is allowed to leave home and spread her wings. Although my SILs parenting style would suggest that she will continue to clip her wings.

We are pretty much NC because of the years of bad behaviour. We realised that by being out of site we were out of mind and the unnecessary verbal attacks didn’t happen. Once DH was no longer available as the scapegoat she picked on another son who eventually moved away. Her original golden child now shoulders everything but that’s what he was brought up to do. He had his chance to get away but didn’t.

It is odd because it’s not that they actively really do anything. They have zero empathy and no interest in being available for any support or kind words or anything. They exist only for the good parts. They don’t feel bad for running in the opposite direction or ignoring you. I don’t think they handle conflict of any kind. They deny anything you say they make you feel, I don’t think they feel much at all.