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Original poster

Ended my best friendship, maybe regret it?

30 replies

Junebughustle · 29/07/2024 08:07

Let's call my ex friend Mara.

Mara and I are in our mid-30's. We met at University in our late teens and almost immediately struck up a deep friendship. We used to contact each other every day, naturally trickling down to every few days/weeks as we got older. We were more like sisters than just friends.

Things soured about 5 years ago, just after I got engaged. I noticed she hadn't been in touch as much and when I asked why, she sent me a big list of things she was furious at me about. Some of it was fair (I had some issues regulating my mood after a DV situation with a family member, which I've now improved through therapy) and some was unfair- such as me not liking her ex-boyfriend, who she had only ever told me awful things about (refused to arrange dates to see her, moved to the other side of the country without telling her, allowed his mother to cancel their engagement because she didn't approve of religious differences).

However I apologised completely for taking her friendship for granted, and things got better - she still ended up being a bridesmaid (I didn't have a MOH, I had three very close bridesmaids), and did so many unexpected things to prove she cared.

However in the last two years things got unpleasant. Every time we met, she would make backhanded comments that needled at my insecurities - my looks, my dress sense. She played innocent when I picked her up on this. She started not responding to messages for weeks. She didn't acknowledge a minor but irritating life crisis.

I ended up feeling so hurt that such a deep friendship could be treated like this. Given her past behaviour with other friends, which she was upfront with me about - I got the impression she was hoping I'd get the message and 'downgrade' our friendship or even let it fizzle out all together. In the time I have known her, she has done this to several friends. I refused to allow myself to be ghosted out of a friendship that meant to much to me, so I sent her a message to say I wasn't just going to ignore that something was going on, that I was hurt, that I.acknowledged maybe we weren't right for each other anymore and thanked her for the friendship before blocking her.

I know it's not very mature, but I needed to do this for my sanity. I didn't want to hear her faux confusion. From her past, I knew the score. I had asked her weeks before if I had upset her, and was absolutely gaslit about imagining her making comments she had made about me.

We still engage in a group chat of uni friends but never speak to each other. Since blocking her, I've had a miscarriage (she didn't know I was pregnant as it was early), and now I'm 5 months pregnant. And it hurts she's not part of big life events, and I'm not part of hers. I miss the friendship we had but know it was over long before I ended it (or maybe she ended it, she just didn't tell me). I'm wondering if I overreacted. Maybe I should have heard her out or left a door open?

I dreamed last night that we ran into each other, and without mentioning the past, slipped back into conversation.

I have such a burning desire to speak to her again. Having read all my drivel above - do you think I should, or just allow time to do its thing? I sent the final text last November.

OP posts:
eggplant16 · 29/07/2024 08:11

Its a tricky thing friendship. I'm sorry , I have no answers. Maybe try to live in the moment and stop ruminating.

Strawberriesandpimms · 29/07/2024 08:16

Look forwards, not backwards.

Boreoffwithyournakedpics · 29/07/2024 08:17

Personally I think you did the right thing and you're feeling emotional and nostalgic right now. You may become friends again but she could reach out to you too and acknowledge the truth in what you said last November.

Loseandtight · 29/07/2024 08:18

I think you’ve done incredibly well to handle things so far and your original sense was right, you can’t give each other what you need.

For two many years your friendship has caused you both pain, but mostly she doesn’t make you happy, she doesn’t give you what you want from a friendship and she isn’t prepared to listen or change.

its really sad when that happens to old friendships and it takes enormous bravery to call it a day, but I think you’ve done the right thing.

there is no evidence that having her back in your life will be any different from before and with a new baby coming you need people around you who can provide an accountable friendship.

move on, be thankful for the friendship you had, mourn the loss of the friendship you hoped for and invest your energy in people who can be accountable.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 29/07/2024 08:21

I did this, similar circumstances in that she was accusing me of all sorts and she had done this to a number of 'best friends' before me. I sent the text and moved on. It hurt for a long time afterwards, like a break up. I still think about her years later but have no regrets. None at all. She got more bitter, weird and entrenched in extreme viewpoints since we split so I'm relieved to be honest.

Ffrench · 29/07/2024 08:22

What exactly are you so nostalgic for? You don’t sound as if you’ve been particularly nice to one another for years.

tiddlypops5 · 29/07/2024 08:22

I'm the wrong person to ask because I did this and regret it.

The difference being my friend didn't insult me. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Backtothedungeon · 29/07/2024 08:23

I'm in a similar situation, in that I ended a friendship, because the friend massively let me down the one time I needed her, after supporting her though all sorts. I miss the friendship, and sometimes think about getting back in touch. Every time I do though, I get angry again about how I was treated, and realise that it could never be how it used to be. I've come to the conclusion that what I miss is how things used to be, and I can't have that back. I can't imagine if you got back in touch your friendship would be how you want it to be.

Onehotday · 29/07/2024 08:25

A long friendship doesn't automatically equal a good friendship.

PetrichorSoul · 29/07/2024 08:25

It sounds like you are grieving rather than regretful.

You don't miss the toxic thing that it became, more the way it was.

Let your grief process and move on.

Powderblue1 · 29/07/2024 08:29

I had a friendship exactly like this. She was belittling and always making passive aggressive comments. We ended up rekindling the friendship because we were in a larger group of friends together and it was awkward for others. Honestly it's not the same and I'd have preferred we kept things as they were. Now it's just a bit...awkward

paradisecircus · 29/07/2024 08:29

It sounds as though you've done the right thing blocking her then letting things drift off. She was affecting your self-esteem, she has form for ghosting friends and her big list of grievances about you sounds manipulative. It's good (maybe) that you repaired the friendship the first time it broke down, but you were eventually right to trust your feelings of hurt about her.
It's understandable that you miss your old sister-like closeness (I think I'd be the same, dreaming about things being ok again), but for whatever reason it doesn't sound like that's retrievable. I don't think you have anything to gain by getting in touch now.

DappledThings · 29/07/2024 09:08

I dreamed last night that we ran into each other, and without mentioning the past, slipped back into conversation.
Similar situation but my friendship ended nearly 20 years ago now which is so long. But about twice a year I still have this dream. We run into each other on a bus, in the street, at a cafe. Always different locations but the same outcome.

But it's past and gone and it won't come back.

Original poster
Junebughustle · 29/07/2024 10:59

I wasn't expecting so many helpful, thoughtful responses so early in the morning, thank you.

I think most of you are right. I am reminiscing and grieving for what was already lost. I'm so sorry to those of you who have been through similar, and still have those moments/dreams. I hope it will feel better soon and I just hope we are both better off now.

OP posts:
FionMcCool · 01/08/2024 08:04

I had a “best friend” for years and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, she completely flaked on me and I never heard from her since. It’s a very strange situation to find yourself in, because at one point you were so close. Unfortunately, this is part of life, people come and people go.

MelainesLaugh · 01/08/2024 08:09

I had a best friend who I helped through difficult situations. She even had my front door key so she could just come over and let herself in (she was in a DV relationship). We used to go on holiday together and talk all the time. She then dropped me. I still don’t overly know why, but I get what you’re saying about wanting to share things with her. So much has happened in the six years I’d love her to know about. It’s a strange feeling isn’t it

Erlanger · 01/08/2024 08:20

Friendship break ups are the worst.

I've had two children since I last spoke to a childhood best friend of mine.

I dream of her too and think of her often (although it is getting less) - but it just hurt too much to be her friend.

Time heals, but it does take a long while.

Padz · 01/08/2024 08:20

Absolutely been there and after 15 years I did get back in touch but the old problems where still there, they hadn’t changed except I had massively. They were still living very much in the past and were still displaying the same character traits (we only re-connected via phone). We don’t have any contact but they are unblocked now and I have sent the odd message when I heard they were unwell etc just to send my regards.
Best left in the past imo.

RoxyRoo2011 · 01/08/2024 08:24

Message her. Life is too short for what ifs. I lost my best friend due to a messy breakup (her husband refused to “let” her see me anymore) and then she got cancer and sadly died. I never got the chance to tell her how much our friendship had meant to me. You might not resurrect the friendship but you can clear the air and get the closure you obviously need.

neilyoungismyhero · 01/08/2024 08:30

I've had a couple of great best friends over the years. One in particular helped me through the worst time of my life. I think in the end it was all too much for her. My life then changed completely and I moved away. I had hoped to continue the friendship long distance but she didn't respond to letters and never rang me. I had to accept our friendship was over but it hurt then and hurts now (40 years later) but that's life. We have to accept and move on.

eggplant16 · 01/08/2024 08:43

neilyoungismyhero · 01/08/2024 08:30

I've had a couple of great best friends over the years. One in particular helped me through the worst time of my life. I think in the end it was all too much for her. My life then changed completely and I moved away. I had hoped to continue the friendship long distance but she didn't respond to letters and never rang me. I had to accept our friendship was over but it hurt then and hurts now (40 years later) but that's life. We have to accept and move on.

Interesting it still bothers you so long after the event. Its the ruminating that I struggle with post losing 2 friends.

AnnaCBi · 01/08/2024 08:56

when I’ve been sad about friendship that have fizzled (my gap year friends all seem to be in touch and a few have moved to the country we lived in, it makes me really sad because they are the only people who really understand the experiences we had, I can no longer reminisce!) try to remember that ‘people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. Nearly everyone will be a reason or a season, your friend was a ‘season’ of uni/ 20s… and it was a successful friendship then. The season has ended, you have new people
on your life (partner, new baby, new friends maybe) and that’s ok.

Beautiful3 · 01/08/2024 09:12

I'd move on and forget her. You're reminiscing over the friendship when it was good. It changed, and will never go back to what it was again. Agree with another poster, look forwards not backwards. Even if you made up, it would go straight back to that horrid relationship again. The awkward weeks of silence, followed by bitchy/back handed comments would just resume. You didn't like it, so why encourage it again? Leave it in the past.

pinkdelight · 01/08/2024 09:29

Well you could've got back in contact if you'd gone with her way and let it fizzle without making a thing of it and blocking her. It does sound like there was fault on both sides and like you perhaps have stronger impulses, both in this 'burning desire' to speak to her and in the having things out, picking her up on things etc conflict side. So that's who you are and it won't change. It didn't work out before, it still won't, so just recognise this burning desire for being part of how you are and it will pass, especially when you have DC to pour your energies into instead. If you did get in touch, it'd be no time before she wasn't doing as you wanted and you were picking her up on it and history would repeat itself. Life's too short.

rubylolala · 01/08/2024 09:36

You were right to call her out but I don’t think you should’ve blocked her. If she denied it and gaslighted you then ok. But if she owned up then it could’ve been repaired. Friendships are complex and difficult to navigate sometimes. Yes sometimes we have to cut people off. However I don’t think it’s always as simple as the modern day therapy speak fans would have it. (Said as a massive fan of setting boundaries- which I think you did very well when you spoke up)