Let's call my ex friend Mara.
Mara and I are in our mid-30's. We met at University in our late teens and almost immediately struck up a deep friendship. We used to contact each other every day, naturally trickling down to every few days/weeks as we got older. We were more like sisters than just friends.
Things soured about 5 years ago, just after I got engaged. I noticed she hadn't been in touch as much and when I asked why, she sent me a big list of things she was furious at me about. Some of it was fair (I had some issues regulating my mood after a DV situation with a family member, which I've now improved through therapy) and some was unfair- such as me not liking her ex-boyfriend, who she had only ever told me awful things about (refused to arrange dates to see her, moved to the other side of the country without telling her, allowed his mother to cancel their engagement because she didn't approve of religious differences).
However I apologised completely for taking her friendship for granted, and things got better - she still ended up being a bridesmaid (I didn't have a MOH, I had three very close bridesmaids), and did so many unexpected things to prove she cared.
However in the last two years things got unpleasant. Every time we met, she would make backhanded comments that needled at my insecurities - my looks, my dress sense. She played innocent when I picked her up on this. She started not responding to messages for weeks. She didn't acknowledge a minor but irritating life crisis.
I ended up feeling so hurt that such a deep friendship could be treated like this. Given her past behaviour with other friends, which she was upfront with me about - I got the impression she was hoping I'd get the message and 'downgrade' our friendship or even let it fizzle out all together. In the time I have known her, she has done this to several friends. I refused to allow myself to be ghosted out of a friendship that meant to much to me, so I sent her a message to say I wasn't just going to ignore that something was going on, that I was hurt, that I.acknowledged maybe we weren't right for each other anymore and thanked her for the friendship before blocking her.
I know it's not very mature, but I needed to do this for my sanity. I didn't want to hear her faux confusion. From her past, I knew the score. I had asked her weeks before if I had upset her, and was absolutely gaslit about imagining her making comments she had made about me.
We still engage in a group chat of uni friends but never speak to each other. Since blocking her, I've had a miscarriage (she didn't know I was pregnant as it was early), and now I'm 5 months pregnant. And it hurts she's not part of big life events, and I'm not part of hers. I miss the friendship we had but know it was over long before I ended it (or maybe she ended it, she just didn't tell me). I'm wondering if I overreacted. Maybe I should have heard her out or left a door open?
I dreamed last night that we ran into each other, and without mentioning the past, slipped back into conversation.
I have such a burning desire to speak to her again. Having read all my drivel above - do you think I should, or just allow time to do its thing? I sent the final text last November.