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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just looked on DH phone - innocently and now I am all hollow

28 replies

AllHollow · 14/04/2008 06:53

Dh is off work today ill, he said he texted work and then went back to bed. I checked his phone to see what he had sent and if he had a reply.

I found a load of texts too and (because of this went looking for) from a woman he works with. He used to mention her all the time, and I got a bit funny about it because he started doing stuff for her that he would never do for me such as specific trips to shops to look for stuff it was very unikley they would have (Wii at Christmas etc) I know if it had of been me I would have been told to check the net and thats that.

I know she is married with older children, and that is always his defense when I make a comment.

We got off to a rough start this year, both of us were down and I thought at one point he would come and say he was leaving me. He reassured me and we have both sorted ourseveles out and things have been brilliant since. But now I feel awful again.

The texts I have found could all be innocent and mainly date from Christmas time. They include him offering to change his leave so she can have the week off instead - Christmas week, of all things weeks! And one of the latest offering to bring her some sweet back from holiday, but acknowledging she is on a diet. Most of them are one sided conversations, but there are explanations to her being moody, having to 'fly as late' and bits about him being one of the nicest at work etc. They are written in such a pally way, a side I never see of him, and I am so shcoked.

I really trust him, but these messages have been saved to a folder so I am now wondering why. One does say 'Love you loads XX' but I would say the same to a mate.

I just feel all hollow now and wont be able to tell DH why because he will want to know why I have gone on his phone - even though it was innocent! I wish I had never looked at his bloody phone.

have changed name btw

OP posts:
Dottydot · 14/04/2008 06:58

Hmm - tricky one. My gut reaction is that if they were having an affair, you would have found much more dodgy texts.

I suppose the question is, do you want to open Pandora's box and have it out with him - you'd need to confess you'd looked through his texts and he's poorly at the moment and it's probably not the best time to have a confrontation.

Some people have close working relationships with colleagues - "love you loads xx" could be very innocent - was that from her or him?

I'm sorry you're in this position, but as you looked through his phone you have to decide whether you can carry on as normal or tell him and have it out - don't envy you on this one. Good luck.

Original poster
AllHollow · 14/04/2008 07:06

The Love you comment was from her. If he had of sent it I would be kicking him out of bed despite his condition! Such comments are definitley not his way.

I am calming down about things....a bit

I think I might engineer a stunt where I borow his phone to text a friend - he's not guarded about it, and I have always been able to use it - a good sign I suppose, and then have a look though in the sent after I sent it and then ask what's going on.

OP posts:
Dottydot · 14/04/2008 07:12

If the comment was from her you've got a lot less to worry about. I think some people just text like that to colleagues/friends - I get e-mails and texts, usually from female friends, with stuff like that at the end of a message.

I think it's sometimes quite difficult when you realise your dp/dh has other 'relationships' outside of the one with you - and I'm kind of speaking from the person working full-time's point of view. I've got really good working relationships with people at work - I talk about them a lot and have a whole other life outside of home that I know annoys dp sometimes. But I spend 8 hours a day with them and work in the evenings, so it just evolves.

All the things you've quoted (apart from the love you loads!) are the kinds of things I'd e-mail my boss for example. I'd swap leave with him, get him something from holiday, he knows when I'm on a diet, when I'm in a bad mood etc. But there's definitely nothing dodgy going on!

Original poster
AllHollow · 14/04/2008 07:14

Thanks Dotty, you have made me feel loads!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2008 07:19

IMO it sounds fairly innocent - maybe he started off doing nice things for her then felt he couldn't refuse.
I would particularly want to know why he has saved her texts.
Agree though if anything had been going on you would expect to find more worrying texts!

foofi · 14/04/2008 07:21

I agree it's probably nothing much. If he knows you sometimes use the phone, surely he would delete the texts if he was up to something.

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2008 07:21

just explain why you went on and ask why he has so many texts saved from her - is he normally a tidy person? Say you couldn't see if he had any new ones because of all those cluttering up the place!

windygalestoday · 14/04/2008 07:24

i definitely dont think theres nything going on - he would have deleted those texts straight away- could he have kept them in case she started getting a bit boiler bunnyish and then hed have evidence?

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2008 07:26

wgt - I did think that too, almost like he's stockpiling the evidence

windygalestoday · 14/04/2008 07:30

glad im not the only one suspicious about that

twinsetandpearls · 14/04/2008 07:37

I think it is odd that he has saved them. Stockpiling evidence does not quite ring true to me. But the texts sound innocent to me. You do form strong relationships at work that can be difficult to understand from the outside. I would just say why you had been on his phone and say in a very light hearted way that there are lots of texts from this woman.

BubbaAndBump · 14/04/2008 07:52

Saving them does make it weird, but I'd do something a little underhand (though I am a green eyed monster) ~ I think your idea of engineering a stunt is a great idea: where you can use the phone (in his presence would be best) then you can judge his reaction when you ask him why he's saving those up - make it jokey though!

Good luck - sure it's all innocent.

Beetroot · 14/04/2008 07:54

I think you should leave it and look at how you can improve your relationship.

The texts sounds innocent to me (saving them odd but perhaps he had a bit of a crush for a while)

Take it as a warning to have some fun

Alexa808 · 14/04/2008 07:58

Hi AH, my dp is always and forever helping people out, he's just got a big heart and he likes to feel he can be the knight in shining armour. I think your dh sounds a bit like that too. As dotty said, the text is from her, not from him. And as others mentioned, if he was up to something he'd have deleted all the comms and would change his ways (put a code on fon, get edgy, etc.)

twinsetandpearls · 14/04/2008 08:22

As beety said take this as a signal to change. I would mention it as if it were me it would end up festering and i would bring it up in a row in a very ill advised manner. But any of us if we are feeling neglected at home will be flattered by attention from elsewhere. Perhaps this woman has a crush and your dp was flattered hence he saved the messages.

Dottydot · 14/04/2008 08:24

not sure about the saving the mesasges thing. I know I save all my e-mails from work colleagues in folders called their name - because the vast majority are work e-mails and I need to keep them - but a few will be personal and I haven't saved them for that reason if you see what I mean.

twinsetandpearls · 14/04/2008 08:26

I have messages from a man at work on my phone, not saved though just not deleted. To an outsider they may seem suspicious but they are harmless workmate banter.

stuffitllama · 14/04/2008 08:29

I would say that if he was having an affair with her he would have deleted those texts, and certainly never left his phone lying around.

worrybum · 14/04/2008 08:53

totally agree with TSAP. sounds innocent enough and he was probably just flattered with the female attention. My dh works in a mostly male environment and I remember a few years ago we were in bed, just about to nod off and his phone bleeped. I picked it up and read the text for him.......''Night night, sweet dreams x x x x x x x x x x x '' WTF . He had given his new mobile number to his workmates including a fairly new female workmate who took it as and opportunity to take the friendly work banter to another level! He was just as shocked as I was. He was quite upset and went into work the next day and asked her not to text him again. Think he was afraid that it might have led to him not getting any nooky! Of course he thinks he is a complete stud now!

Anyway, story just to show that these things can often be one sided. I think that if there were more to it he would be covering his tracks.

worrybum · 14/04/2008 12:45

also meant to say dh always comes across as gentle caring and considerate to everyone. I don't have a single friend that doesn't describe him as 'a good egg'. He wouldn't dream of not holding the door open for someone, pulling a chair out, holding my coat up for me to put on. It's the way he was brought up and if he can help anyone he will. I think your dh sounds pretty similar and I think sometimes women can misinterpret this especially if they are not feeling particularly special or important themselves. I know I probably would. I'm not saying that this is how this woman was feeling but it's just an idea.

twinsetandpearls · 14/04/2008 13:10

I have been thinking about you whilst doing my ironing and thought I would share something with you.

My dp is a lovely lovely man and partly because of my depression and partly because all couples go through times when they take each other for granted I have not always appreciated this. He is the kind of man that women have crushes on as his loveliness just stands out and he is quite a handsome devil.

A few months ago I borrowed dp phone and saw some messages from one of his friends that were perhaps a little flirtatious but what struck me was that he spoke to her in a way he hadn't with me in a long while. Dp wouldn't admit it to me but I could see that he was flattered that a woman was giving him attention that I perhaps had not been and showing an interest in his life and interests rather than him as a father, partner or carer. He had saved these texts.

I was initially jealous but it also made me think hang on miss twinset you have a wonderful man but he does not know that you think that and I made a real effort to make time for him, ensure we had time for common interests and to ask him about himself as a person in his own right.

We have been through some real rocky patches and about a year ago almost called it a day but I can say now that we are stronger than ever and those daft texts were part of that.

Having just reminded myself what a lovely man I have I am going to phone him anf tell him how much I love him.

twinsetandpearls · 14/04/2008 13:12

I agree worrybum my dp is exactly the same and women often interpret this as him flirting or paying them special attention but that is how he is with everyone.

claricebeansmum · 14/04/2008 13:15

In response to OP - I once found some "incriminating" emails on DP PC. Thought he was having affair, brooded on it, had it out with him and then there was surprisingly innocent explanation - one that I could not have foreseen.

Have it out with him and get it over with. You might be pleasantly surprised.

stuffitllama · 14/04/2008 14:35

Hiding is the thing that would be worrying. I think you should feel reassured.

Original poster
AllHollow · 14/04/2008 20:54

Thanks everyone, esp Twinset. I do have a lovely hubby and he is a wonderful dad and a fantastic provider for his family. We have had some trying times, bereavements etc, and I know we are strong together. But I also have to learn he has his own personality at work where I am known to very few.

He works in a mainly male dominated role, but having thought about it I know if anything was going I would find out because some of his closer colleagues have links to me and the children in the community through wives and being nieghbours.

And I also felt like calling it a day after Christmas, but we both admitted we were finding things hard and took steps together to overcome them, which we did.

DH has been very poorly today I would not be proud of myself for picking an arguement. The more I think of it the more I think DH is probably flattered by this woman and I think working in a male environment, where I know there are some complete arses she would probably stick by DH who she acknowledges in one of her texts is one of the nicest there.

I still want answers to why he has saved her messages - esp the 'Love you Loads XXX' which says just that and nothing else, but have decided to wait sometime and 'accidentally discover' the messages and ask about them in a very innocent and non-accusatory (sp) manner.

I have just made DH a cup of coffee and he has asked me to go and sit with him, which is what I am about to do.

Thanks again

OP posts:
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