The crush that won't go

[Thecherryhotel]

I say the crush won't go, I tend to go weeks without thinking about this man but then he checks in by text or bumps into me at work (big company and completely different departments so rarely see him) and the feelings come rushing back.

I've tried blocking him but unblocked him when he mentioned it. He's a nice guy but completely unsuitable. Not to mention I'm in a relationship.

Please no 'imagine him doing disgusting stuff' it doesn't work. I just want to be able to see him without going into a tailspin.

It'll pass like all crushes do.

Although no doubt someone will be along to declare your crush is actually 'limerence' and it's all very serious.

But it will pass.

It's been nearly 5 years though it's the least intense it ever has been this year. Maybe light at the end of the tunnel...

Are you peri-menopausal?

The hormone imbalance can bring on teenage-strength crushes.

No though that sounds like something to look forward to 🫠! I got these feelings when I was 27 and I am now 32. He's the best part of 2 decades older than I am.

I just enjoy it within my own head. Knowing it can't go anywhere means it can't be spoilt by reality. But it brightens up the workplace.

I would say that subconsciously you are facing getting over and never really left your youth behind to enter the maturer years. Do you have children and other responsibilities? Is this man a fantasy to escape the everyday and perhaps there is something missing in your life, like you getting some 'you' attention rather than giving your attention to partner, kids, parents, job, home etc. I look at young women nowadays and many seem to have a lot more juggling to do than my generation. Could you find some 'you' time? i.e. a hobby like art, or craft, or beauty treatments where you are giving yourself 'you' time. Don't give too much of yourself away to other people. Focus on your needs first. I think this fantasy man may well disappear into the mists of time once you find your bearings in your thirties.

Sounds a bit more than a crush if you are blocking him and he then persuads you to unblock him.

It actually sounds like an affair or it's been an affair, not a crush.

I used to see him a lot more when I had a much more boring job and it was exactly this. Now I'm busier I can go longer spells without him crossing my mind. But just when I think I'm done with it, it's hits me hard again.

This is such wise advice. Thank you. I do juggle a lot and sometimes I think it's a good distraction but you're right. Whenever I get a bit of time for myself, I do find myself fantasising. A hobby would be good. Hopefully some inspiration will strike ☺️

I can see why you think that. It's like we've always had this thing where we're trying not to verge into flirtiness. Like, if our messages and conversations were ever examined, you wouldn't be able to spot anything untoward but the volume of communication there was in the past was a bit alarming.

You both fancy one another, you both are getting an ego boost from this.

Would you at all be bothered if your partner had the same sort of relationship with another woman.

And does this crush have a wife or partner.

I think you are minimising poor behaviour.

I'm not trying to say what I'm doing is acceptable. I'm just struggling to stop. It feels like a weird addiction where I'm going good periods of time without it crossing my mind and then if he happens to pop by my office or sends me a message, my resolve weakens. Blocking would be so much simpler if he wasn't a nice guy who I've enjoyed a good friendship with. (I hate that the attraction is there though).

but the volume of communication there was in the past was a bit alarming.

Of course it was. You're 32 and he's 52.

That's a massive ego wank for him, of course he wanted you to unblock him.

It's like we've always had this thing where we're trying not to verge into flirtiness

You're feeding and watering the crush, and asking us how to kill it.

Grow up!

Lol, ask yourself if he was 32 and you were 52, if he'd be as interested in constantly messaging you.

Of course he wouldn't.

If you're serious about stopping this then just block him. If he asks again, just say you need to focus on work. But I think you're actually enjoying it and getting the dopamine hit from the attention. Which is understandable but, if you don't block him, then you are, effectively, flirting now. The choice is yours.

I need a complete wake-up call. What would you do? Do you think by fixating on it, I'm making it worse? Like I say, I go these long stretches without being remotely bothered and wonder what all the craziness was about. I just need to somehow remember this when he reappears.

He also starts most conversations with 'hi mate', I involuntarily find myself wondering why he will only ever see me as a friend. I think it's a bit of a confidence thing as it hits me hardest when Im feeling distance between DP and I.

Just block him or mute him.

Or admit to yourself that you're loving the attention and deal with it 🤷‍♂️

I involuntarily find myself wondering why he will only ever see me as a friend.

Well won't that be because he knows you have a partner, and doesn't have you marked down as a cheating scumbag?

If he brings it up, how is best to deal with it? I feel like as far as he's concerned, we've been good friends for 5 years. All this other stuff is likely only going on in my head.

Simple, you tell him it's inappropriate and you want no more contact outside of work.

Then he'll find someone else to message, hopefully someone who doesn't have a partner and young child.

Limerence isn't a "serious crush", it's a mental illness characterised by escaping one's reality by fixating on another person and losing your identity in an imagined perfect relationship.

Only OP knows if this applies to her, or whether it is indeed just a crush. Crushes pass by themselves if you do nothing. Limerence tends to get worse and affect your life, and would probably help to talk to a therapist.

What tragedies befall you when you are momentarily in his thrall?

A better question: what is it you want from him that you're not getting from your current relationship, and why aren't you choosing a relationship that gives you those things?