Advice about husband

[WildPeachOtter]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 9 years, we are now just in our 40s with 2 small kids.
in the past my husband has had a history of text flirting with other women, we’ve argued, discussed until we can’t discuss it anymore and nearly broken up over it. This was pre-marriage. I have my own problem where I used to check his phone - I know it’s violating his privacy and it’s wrong, but this stemmed from his past behaviour. Since we got married and had our kids I’ve never felt the need to check up on him until recently, he stayed out until 5am on a work night out. He works in a female dominated field and is friends with lots of women because of this. I know it was wrong, I looked at his phone and found flirty messages to “friends” he works with. Which depending on boundaries, some may say the texts were a grey area but due to our past I felt this was crossing a line. I also found one conversation that was sexually suggestive and way out of line. I spoke to him about all of this, he had no valid reason for sending the messages. He maintains that our relationship is good, I give him attention, we are regularly intimate, he still finds me attractive, he wants to be with me forever etc. he said he didn’t know why he sent those messages, he doesn’t find them attractive or had any intent on anything going further. I love him and and our life, so I explained my boundaries and drew a line under it, said he’s disrespecting me and if it happens again we are done.

im now stuck in a metal free fall of always wondering what conversations he’s having with his female work colleagues and wanting to check his messages. I found last night he’s messaging one of his female friends asking about her dress “did your dress arrive? No oh well that one looks great” saying she looks nice. It didn’t seem flirty but due to our recent issue I can’t help but think why does he even care? Why is he showing her this interest?

i know we have issues and i need to stop looking at his phone. But what advice can people give me in this situation?

OP you either trust someone or you don't and no relationship survives without trust. I'm not sure what you mean by flirting, do you think him asking if the dress arriving was flirting? I'm assuming he's not sending sexual messages and perhaps the flirting is open to interpretation.

If he has a lot of female colleagues and friends, then he's going to talk to women and you're just going to have to accept that or let the relationship go. With the information you've given, he hasn't actually done anything wrong and you come across as highly anxious and deeply insecure.

You need to get some help for your anxiety and to stop checking his phone, which sounds like a compulsion. He needs to password protect it.

Hi thank you for replying. So in the past he sent messages asking a woman to wear a certain dress because of the way her breasts looked, and she sent him pictures of herself in outfits and he would ask for specific ones because she looked hot.

the recent convo that really crossed a line for me, him and a friend flirting about things to do to get attention from guys and she asked has he ever imagined her doing these things and he asked if he has her permission to do so, and that maybe he already has.

He sounds grim, I wouldn’t want to be married to him tbh. Is this what you want your life to be?

I wasted years on a man like that. It’s reprehensible behaviour.

You can’t trust him - make plans to leave.

He sounds like a creep! So you think asking about the dress arriving is him starting up again?

I do not like the sound of him OP

I’m not sure, I think if there wasn’t any thing before then the dress stuff wouldn’t be an issue. But I’m thinking why does he even care about her dress? Why does he go out of his way to message about this?

I have also told him when we were talking that I find his behaviour creepy and inappropriate.

You're trying to fix the fact that you don't trust him by getting him to change his behaviour, but it won't work. The trust was broken in the past, so even if he's Mr Perfect from here on in, the trust is ruined.

The only healthy advice is to leave: he can never prove to you that he will never do it again. You can check his phone, but the next second, a flirty message might arrive from someone he's been in a flirty conversation with. You will never be able to check fast enough to feel you have 'properly' checked.

Just get out.

I'd be upset if my dh was communicating with female friends or colleagues like that. It's not ok. My dh has good friendly relationships with female colleagues, but what you are describing is different and definitely crosses a line. It sounds like he would if he could iyswim.
He may not have acted on it, but he's disrespecting you quite openly.
What's your plan op? I'm not sure I could just accept what your dh is doing.

Well, obviously he cares about the dress because, as you say, it's part of a conversation about her breasts.

But even without that context, it's weird for a married man to be messaging a female colleague out of hours to ask about her dress. Isn't it? Even if he was some great fashion connoisseur, a normal man would think twice, right?

This is compulsive behaviour and his promises mean nothing. Don't heed his words - look at his actions.

This is thing I find it very disrespectful, but I feel like if we have this conversation again this issue is going to be with me for checking his phone again. He will say he doesn’t see anything wrong with his conversation about a friend about her outfit.

Do these women even know he's married cos you would think what a creep yet they seem to be enjoying the thought of him ogling their breasts. Urgh yuk. I would feel very betrayed and would not want to be married to him any more. Yes you've looked on his phone but it's not made good viewing. Draw a line under it let him get on with his creepiness.

I’ve also asked him if they know we are married, he said of course they do. And they have boyfriends too he tells me.

I wouldn't be with someone who did this in the first place, I still wouldn't check another adults phone that crosses a line for me

'Yeah but what about this...' nothing will make me check an adults phone

Sigh. I'm sorry, my first H was like this. I left him in 2008, so texting wasn't quite what it is now, but he was always flirting, and a bit handsy with other women after he'd been drinking. That graduated to him staying over at a woman's flat after a night out, and many, many other dodgy things. We'd also been together for 20 years, with 2 kids. But after 4 years of feeling like you do, I did leave him. I honestly just couldn't take any more.

Happy to say, I am now with DH no2, and he is nothing like this, despite being far better looking!

I've no idea why 1st H was like this. We had a great life, regular sex etc, and he was hitting on women that weren't more attractive than me really. None of it made sense. I think it was his personality, because he has done the same in his relationships after me.

In your shoes, having been through my experiences, I wouldn't hesitate to leave. But, I know that you're doing this for the first time, and I'm sure you will plod along until you reach breaking point, and something snaps and you just realise you are worth so much more.

Please don't feel any guilt at checking his phone. It's HIS fault that you have been driven to this! I checked my 1st H phone, when he was passed out drunk, and found evidence that he was shagging my very best mate. I had every right to know that, and I don't feel a shred of guilt. When men lie and gaslight, we ARE driven to do things that are out of character. And in any case, when no one has anything to hide, phones aren't like secret diaries : me and DH use each others phones if they are closer to hand, because we have nothing to hide! In my opinion, people who guard their phones fiercely often have stuff on there that they don't want their partners to see - and that's a huge red flag.

I think you should get out more with your friends, go dancing, flirt a little yourself. That was the start of the end for my first marriage. It made me realise that the world is full of nice men, and I didn't have to stay tied to a man that was taking the absolute piss out of me.

By that reckoning, he would be okay with Dave sending you a photo of himself in his new trousers, and you commenting that you love the fact that they are so tight at the crotch, because you can see the outline of his big cock.

All good and harmless, yeah?

Thank you so much, I think your message really sums up where I’m at with this. I do feel like I want things to work out with us, but I also don’t think he will change. I don’t know why he does it, he says it’s not for attention.

Even if you had grounds to believe that your DH was fucking someone else? And he was passed out drunk, and his phone was just sitting there in front of you? Yeah, sorry, but I don't believe that.

There is no world l know where its OK for a guy to message women in work with those kind of messages. Surely he could be in trouble for sexual harassment even if he had no partner. It is completely inappropriate and him acting like its no bother means he is a dirty, seedy guy and who wants that for a partner.
I don't know if counselling would help where the counsellor would lay out to him what a disrespectful husband he is ..if he is that stupid.
I'm sorry but l don't think you can ever really trust him or respect him..genuinely.

And l think looking at his phone is the least of your problems.

He will say he doesn’t see anything wrong with his conversation

And that's fine. He can do what he likes. But he has the option of respecting the fact that you are uncomfortable, or not respecting it. What he's doing is as disrespectful as saying 'Whatevs'. He doesn't care about your discomfort, he cares that he's 'right', as if there's a rule book that he's sticking to, and you're not.

He's asking other women to dress in a certain way that enhances their breasts to give him sexual gratification. What else do you need to know about how wrong that is?

Your husband is a sleaze creep.
You deserve so much better than him.
This is who he is.
They don't change.

I think this is is, even if he could turn around and say he hasn’t said anything wrong, it’s the fact that he’s doing it knowing that ive said I don’t like it.

To clarify the breast conversation was years ago, before we were married, but that was the initial conversation that set off my distrust. Recently there has been nothing like this convo, but the sexually suggestive one which is in my opinion emotional cheating

He's playing with fire. He's jeopardising his marriage and his job. It's extremely disrespectful to you. It's also inappropriate, unprofessional and all it takes if for him to approach the wrong colleague and he could lose his job for sexual harassment. At best it 🤢 at worst he'll lose everything because he lacks self control.