Advice about husband

[WildPeachOtter]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 9 years, we are now just in our 40s with 2 small kids.
in the past my husband has had a history of text flirting with other women, we’ve argued, discussed until we can’t discuss it anymore and nearly broken up over it. This was pre-marriage. I have my own problem where I used to check his phone - I know it’s violating his privacy and it’s wrong, but this stemmed from his past behaviour. Since we got married and had our kids I’ve never felt the need to check up on him until recently, he stayed out until 5am on a work night out. He works in a female dominated field and is friends with lots of women because of this. I know it was wrong, I looked at his phone and found flirty messages to “friends” he works with. Which depending on boundaries, some may say the texts were a grey area but due to our past I felt this was crossing a line. I also found one conversation that was sexually suggestive and way out of line. I spoke to him about all of this, he had no valid reason for sending the messages. He maintains that our relationship is good, I give him attention, we are regularly intimate, he still finds me attractive, he wants to be with me forever etc. he said he didn’t know why he sent those messages, he doesn’t find them attractive or had any intent on anything going further. I love him and and our life, so I explained my boundaries and drew a line under it, said he’s disrespecting me and if it happens again we are done.

im now stuck in a metal free fall of always wondering what conversations he’s having with his female work colleagues and wanting to check his messages. I found last night he’s messaging one of his female friends asking about her dress “did your dress arrive? No oh well that one looks great” saying she looks nice. It didn’t seem flirty but due to our recent issue I can’t help but think why does he even care? Why is he showing her this interest?

i know we have issues and i need to stop looking at his phone. But what advice can people give me in this situation?

"I do feel like I want things to work out with us, but I also don’t think he will change. I don’t know why he does it, he says it’s not for attention".

Well whatever the reasons which are probably embedded deeply within his pysche, he feels entitled to act like this. He also does not care about you or for that matter those women in doing so.

Why do you feel like you want things to work out with us; is that also because of the kids?. Do not stay in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children here.

There definitely IS something wrong with the outfit conversation op! Don't let him tell you otherwise. Don't feel guilty about checking his phone either, it's a good thing you did if he's behaving like that. If you were with a decent man you wouldn't feel the need to snoop, but I think deep down, you know exactly who and what your husband is. I'm so sorry but he will not change.

How are you financially if you were to go it alone? In your shoes, I would start to get ducks in a row, even if you're not ready to end things straight away.

Its pointless to check his phone, he'll just have hidden messaging apps.
He proved before marriage that's he's a sleazy pervert and he keeps on proving over and over that your feelings do not matter. It's up to you what you do with those facts.

He sounds like that creep guy we’ve all encountered and try to avoid at work, gross. I wish men like this understood how much they’re embarrassing themselves. He needs therapy.

Whar a sleazy pig.

There's always far more than you caught him doing.

Your choices are, put up with it, or leave.