He likes to tell me all the things I do wrong

[olivecosmos]

I started writing a post but it was too long. I suppose I haven't talked about any of the issues and was trying to get it all out in words.
I deleted it and thought just a brief post wouldn't bore too much
From the advice of my doctor I sought help for my drinking. My partner also drinks. He told me I don't have a problem with alcohol but I felt that I did. I was drinking more than a bottle of wine every night and much more at weekends.
I am now abstaining from alcohol and have finished my programme with an alcohol support group. My partner still drinks.
He told me I create problems for myself and that I didn't have a drink problem and that he is sure I can find something else to have a problem with.
He often asks will I ever drink again and when I say I don't know , he says I don't think you ever will , but it doesn't feel like a compliment

I have since been trying to eat healthier and I have lost weight. Which he has praised me for repeatedly but also then he tells me I'm not eating enough, questions the food I put in my plate, pushes food at me.
This last few days I started calorie counting using an app to make sure I am eating enough.
He had 10 cans of lager and a couple of whisky's yesterday. I had to drive him to Something he needed to go to in the evening.
We stopped at the shop on the way home and I was hungry so grabbed a snack. When we got back I had a few things to do but then I recorded my calories on the app.
When I went to sit down he said I was obsessed that I rushed in to record calories and I should have sat down to relax first.
I disagreed and now it has escalated to he will cook his own food and I will cook mine. That was him saying that.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. My thoughts are so jumbled and I'm tired with not sleeping well

Well done for not drinking, at least 7 bottles of wine a week is definitely a problem. He is obviously not going to support you with being sober, or anything else. He’s creating your problems, not you, time to move on and stay healthy.

He's jealous and trying to sabotage you because misery lives company. Keep doing whatever makes you happy. He either gets on board or ships out

He's trying to get you upset and miserable enough to restart drinking. I've seen this dynamic before, with alcohol, drugs, weight loss, smoking. If he won't reduce his own intake and join you on this journey then you might need to have a break away from him before you relapse.

Well done for stopping and doing the work with a support group but have you thought about joining a family & friends support one because that is you now. You need different support.

He sounds like not a good influence on you in regards to drinking. But is it possible you've stopped drinking but have switched to an obsession or excessive control with something else, because I do think he has a point if you cannot eat something without checking an app first each time and have to be careful to eat enough.

You're success probably triggers him, true (I personally think you should get a different partner) but sometimes people with addictions can quickly spot addictive transfer behaviours.

I'm not saying this is true. Just wondering. Something to think about.

It sounds like he’s jealous that you are trying to make yourself a better person, looking after your body, when he doesn’t or cannot do the same. Try not to get obsessive with calories at the moment, but work on yourself, are you up to going out for a walk on your own or some other gentle exercise to help, do you have any hobbies. Well done on cutting out the drinking, you must have been consuming a lot of calories drinking that much.

@DysonSphere
I agree with you about have I swapped one behaviour for another? and that's why I am questioning myself too.
I think I was questioning my eating was because he was saying I wasn't eating enough so I was doubting myself so thought if I had an app ( which I have only used for a few days ) I could at least say I was. I had put on over 4 stone and I have now lost 2.
He has been trying to eat healthy too but the thing is he replaces food calories with alcohol calories but I darent question that as gets defensive.

@Mindymomo I do have hobbies. I play a musical instrument but when I don't practice as often as he thinks I should he tells me I should make more time.
When I say I'm doing everything around the house, he said " don't cook my dinner tonight , that's one less job for you "

I don't think your DP has your best interests in mind here Op. You drank a lot, he can't see it because he's drinking way to much himself. He's saying you're becoming obsessed, it's not, most people dieting keep an eye on the calories. He's happy to go on as before, I think he's worried you'll try to make him change too which at his level if drinking wouldn't be a bad thing

Well done op on recognising you have a problem and sorting it out. 7 bottles of wine a week at least is 70 units of alcohol, where the recommended is 14 units. Youve done well there and i hope you stay strong with it.

meanwhile he drank 10 cans of lager (28 units) yesterday and 2 whiskeys (3 units) which is around 31 units in one sitting. Binge drinking right there.

his issue is that you not drinking is shining a light on his drinking. He doesn’t like it. Hes trying his damned hardest to get you to fail so he can revel in it. You cant change people. This is who he is. Perhaps its also time to ditch the dead weight (him)?

He's a bit controlling isn't he. Telling you what to do and when. Has he always been like this or only since you stopped drinking?

@INeedAnotherName
Thanks for replying. He says he is opinionated and says these things to support me. He would say he is the least controlling but he likes to have an opinion on everything I do.

I think you need to end the relationship @olivecosmos , he will drag you down.

He doesn't want you to improve yourself, and feels jealous that he can make such changes, he wants a drinking partner!

He doesn't want to give up drinking and I can't make him do that nor would I want to make him do something he doesn't want too he says he hasn't got a drink problem because he doesn't drink every night. He had Monday and Tuesday off but has already had 22 cans and some whisky and he will drink today as well.
It sounds like I keeping count. I suppose in a way I am but it's hard not too. Before when I was drinking he would keep pouring me glasses of wine and I wouldn't notice what he was consuming. Now it's hard not to notice.

If you are on a path of self destruction it is very hard to be with someone who is trying to look after themselves.

Because it forces you to see the reality of what you are doing to yourself and mashes it harder to deny.

If you need an objective view- a bottle of wine a night is definitely a problem!

Keeping count is the sign your living with an alcoholic. I am too. Im divorcing mine

Do you have children together. Who owns the property you live in. Could you live apart but stay in a relationship then he can't see what you are doing all the time.

When I stopped drinking I noticed that the majority of friends and family automatically became very defensive about their own drinking, no matter how much of a drinker they were. It’s not so much that they push you to drink, although that does sometimes happen, but it’s that they often start talking about how much they do or don’t drink, it’s as if your sobriety is an attack on them. Even though it’s really not. The people that don’t go on about it are your supporters.

so what I’m saying here is that you getting fitter and healthier is shining a light on him and he’s feeling defensive. I can see how this might happen and I’d forgive an initial reaction, but if you’ve talked about your goals and aims and he’s unable to set aside feelings about himself and continues to sabotage your aims then I’d say this relationship can’t work. He should be your biggest supporter.

He's an alcoholic and a controlling one by the sounds of it, well done for quitting drinking.

Congratulations on losing weight too.

I don't think you have an addiction problem, yet. He is going to give you one though by making you focus so much on what you are eating.

You can't make him quit drinking or even cut down but you need to cut this man out of your life. Drinking 7 bottles of wine a week doesn't sound like an active choice you made in the first place but coercive on his part by pouring you drinks because he is an alcoholic.

@olivecosmos I know he doesn't want to give up drinking, that's why he'd be happier if you were still joining in. You can't make him stop but he really is drinking way too much, having two drink free days doesn't mean he gets too make up for it on the other days.
You've done really well Op, stick with it. I'm afraid as time goes on you may find his drinking does become an issue for you.

Be relaxed about your food now as you've done a great job losing 2 stone but it's a big physiological change, so a pause wouldn't be a bad thing and snacks won't derail progress too much. Focus on overall health, getting some physical exercise and eating very well. So much better for your blood sugar, giving up the drink too.

It's like peeling an onion, do it a layer at a time, adding in good habits.

My sleep goes to pot if I undereat but I'm in a really good place with food, so I recognise that, adjust marginally and keep calm. Counting calories in an app is a great way to get an idea of what's going on but keep it relaxed and look for patterns and balance. Try to have enough protein and fats. Don't give yourself a hard time.

Negging is an abuse tactic and the problem now is you can see it. You won't be able to unsee this and will read something into everything he says. Living defensively is so, so tiring so think about how you want your future to look.

And give yourself a massive pat on the back!

He's not really supporting you though is he. Supporting is you deciding what/when you want to do things and him ensuring you have the time and freedom to do it, not dictating you need to practice today, or you need to eat right now. Of course a manipulative person will deny they manipulate and control others. Addicts ARE manipulative and controlling, they have to be so they can hide and feed their addiction. And with the amount he is drinking he really is an addict.

He needs to get himself sorted for his own sake but until he decides to do it I highly recommend you live apart otherwise he's going to drag you down the same path. You've escaped alcohol once, it might not be as "easy" the next time. Put yourself first

Thank you all for your kind words. I am proud of what I have achieved.

@Bananalanacake we don't have children. We live together but I have my own house to go too. I just didn't want to use it to run away too. I committed to a relationship with him but I think it's not a fair relationship as he values his relationship with alcohol over me and it's not making me happy.