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Original poster

unsure of new guy

28 replies

Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 27/07/2024 23:55

Hi all

so i've been seeing this guy for a few months now, he's really sweet but is only 1 year out of a marriage that ended badly so I know he's obvs got some stuff to work through and we're taking it slowly

Before we started dating he was seeing another woman, and they have remained firm (best?) friends and talk most days. He has said previously that the timing was wrong with them, and that they might have made a go of it if they'd met later. I've met her, and she's great. i really like her.

I just cant get comfortable with his comments, and am worried that down the line they will rekindle? is that my insecurity? or is that a reasonable worry?

for context - i am often very insecure in relationships, so i dont always trust my emotional reactions. He has been nothing but lovely so far, cooking meals, making effort and meeting my friends etc

OP posts:
Orchidacea · 28/07/2024 00:39

I would wonder as well, but I don't know how you can get a read on whether it's a genuine concern for your relationship.

Did he break it off with the other woman, or did she break it off? How long were they dating? How did it come about that you met her?

Original poster
Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 28/07/2024 00:48

Orchidacea · 28/07/2024 00:39

I would wonder as well, but I don't know how you can get a read on whether it's a genuine concern for your relationship.

Did he break it off with the other woman, or did she break it off? How long were they dating? How did it come about that you met her?

He broke it off because he had a bit of a bad time with his ex-wife and was feeling overwhelmed, but it wasn't by any means a "bad" breakup. They were dating for only a few months (3 maybe?)
Ive met her because he had a birthday party and invited us both, but my invite was very last minute

OP posts:
honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 00:50

He's choosing to let you know he fancies and is friends with another woman he's been intimate with and plans to continue their intimacy one way or another. If you're into threesomes, either physically or mentally, go for it.

WhateverMate · 28/07/2024 00:51

I'm normally pretty chilled but I'd be a bit uncomfortable too.

It sounds as though he jumped into dating straight after the split.

He wasn't ready then, so I'd wonder if he's ready now, and also if she was the one that got away so to speak.

Guinev · 28/07/2024 00:55

If you are this soon in your relationship and feeling so insecure, imagine how it will be in months/years.
I am unsure if you are insecure ou you date people that make you feel insecure.
That comment of him and regarding his best friend/previous women may be the cause of your insecurity. Do not put yourself in a position of insecurity and feeling you have to compete with others. That is a toxic behaviour and it will not make you feel well in the long run.
When you say the marriage ended badly what do you mean?
Sometimes it is worth to remind ourselves that we are creatures of habits with strong personalities that do not change easily. People tend to repeat behaviours of the past.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2024 00:57

I would be out of there so fast…

He spends lots of time and energy on/with her, has feelings for her, is attracted to her, says the only reason they aren’t together is timing…

Yeah, no.

Orchidacea · 28/07/2024 00:58

Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 28/07/2024 00:48

He broke it off because he had a bit of a bad time with his ex-wife and was feeling overwhelmed, but it wasn't by any means a "bad" breakup. They were dating for only a few months (3 maybe?)
Ive met her because he had a birthday party and invited us both, but my invite was very last minute

Show quote history

I think I would be more comfortable if she had broken it off. And I'm not crazy about the fact that your invitation was last-minute.

It might sound harsh, but it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. And I'm not sure you want to be getting any more involved with him while he's working that out.

Original poster
Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 28/07/2024 01:31

yeah - i thought this was the case, but like i said im good at creating problems so just wanted to run it by people who dont know us to "sense check"

best bailing out of it i think

OP posts:
honeysucklebelladonna · 28/07/2024 01:32

A few months in I would run for the hills, he is one year out of a marriage, already in a second relationship and is triangulating you with the woman from the first relationship. This man is not worth it, you’ll effectively find yourself saying “pick me” because he’s set you up to see yourself in competition with this woman and even if you haven’t told him your insecurity issues he can probably sense them and is enjoying the power he has.
At best he jumps from one relationship to another for whatever reason.
At worst he a dick that enjoys the power plays.
Either one on those would be a big red flag to me.

Orchidacea · 28/07/2024 01:36

You've done well, OP. Always good to get a reality check if you're uncertain.

Safxxx · 28/07/2024 01:45

I'm wondering what was so bad with his marriage breaking up, seems like his using both of you for his own comfort. You have to watch your back here OP I don't think this man will be faithful to you. Keep your guard up and don't settle for anything until you're absolutely certain about him....

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 02:36

Littlepinkstarsbyradish · 28/07/2024 01:31

yeah - i thought this was the case, but like i said im good at creating problems so just wanted to run it by people who dont know us to "sense check"

best bailing out of it i think

Was it a man who told you you're good at creating problems? Some men prefer it if we ignore our intuition and rational senses, and some men and women call it "insecure" to have a good sense of self worth and boundaries.

Always listen to yourself. You're the only person in the world who you can be really sure isn't lying to you.

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/07/2024 02:54

Don’t do the pick me dance, whatever you do. Introducing you feels calculated. Whether it’s to hurt her or you, I am not sure, but it would be fantastic if you and she became great friends and left this guy to his little games.

solice84 · 28/07/2024 06:49

Huge red flag

Olika · 28/07/2024 06:56

Oh gosh you are not creating problems here. He literally told you he would have another go with this woman if time was different. And staying best friends with her after dating her with that comment... no thank you. Walk out now out of respect for yourself.

AuCo44 · 28/07/2024 06:59

Walk away with your head held high. He's pretty much telling you you're second best. You deserve better than this.

seensome · 28/07/2024 07:29

I wouldn't get involved with a man that is best friends with recent person they've dated.

Timing was wrong? means she dumped him as she'd rather be friends but he's hoping she'll change her mind.
Not much time has passed so wouldn't the timing still be wrong now if that was the truth.

Metopayto · 28/07/2024 07:56

I actually had a similar thing with my ex at the start of our relationship. After a year or so, they drifted apart and I sort of forgot about her, and eventually ex and I married and had children. Then years later, he left me for her! And they said things like "we've been together on and off for 15 years" - he was married to me for 10 of those years!
This obviously might not happen with you, but sounds like you are best out of it. He's too freshly out of a marriage himself, and sounds like he is playing you against each other.

SamW98 · 28/07/2024 08:45

Songs only a year out of his marriage, he jumped into a rebound with this woman before he was ready, then he mixed in to his second post separation relationship with you and telling you he’s still got feelings fur this woman and had he been further down the line he’d have stayed with her.

Talking about her and introducing you to each other is triangulation. He wants you both to do the pick me dance - I’d be out

solice84 · 28/07/2024 08:50

Metopayto · 28/07/2024 07:56

I actually had a similar thing with my ex at the start of our relationship. After a year or so, they drifted apart and I sort of forgot about her, and eventually ex and I married and had children. Then years later, he left me for her! And they said things like "we've been together on and off for 15 years" - he was married to me for 10 of those years!
This obviously might not happen with you, but sounds like you are best out of it. He's too freshly out of a marriage himself, and sounds like he is playing you against each other.

This is bloody awful
My dp has a female 'best friend' but after a good few disagreements regarding things I'm not comfortable with he's now acting like she doesn't exist so this resonated with me

goldsocks · 28/07/2024 09:00

solice84 · 28/07/2024 08:50

This is bloody awful
My dp has a female 'best friend' but after a good few disagreements regarding things I'm not comfortable with he's now acting like she doesn't exist so this resonated with me

Show quote history

Yes, so awful @Metopayto. I’m so sorry. My current relationship began like this, my partner is very bad at being final in his mind I feel/letting people go. It means it feels he has all these ongoing sort of torches. Though he’s moved his female friend offstage now at my request I always wonder if they’ll end up together. I think he’s got such a fragile ego. They’re not great men and though I’ve stabilised my relationship now to be honest this stuff at the start killed a lot of my feelings.

goldsocks · 28/07/2024 09:01

What I mean OP is that if I could I’d go back and leave when my DP first pulled the stunt yours is. I felt exactly like you.

Watchkeys · 28/07/2024 09:08

Why don't you trust your emotions? What problems have you created in the past?

This is the issue. You've got a man here who has eyes on another woman, and you're thinking that it's a fault in you that you don't feel you can trust him.

You can't even trust yourself to take care of you. Make that the focus, not 'whether he is doing anything wrong'. He is who is is: this is about you, and how you see you.

happinessischocolate · 28/07/2024 10:08

When "the timings wrong" that generally means that one person wants full commitment and a future together and the other isn't ready for that.

So either he wanted full commitment with her and she's not ready - not good

Or she wanted full commitment with him and he's not ready - not good as he's therefore not ready with full commitment with you either

Chuck him back in

Tartfullodger · 28/07/2024 10:18

I wouldn't be ok with this. Your invite was very last minute but I bet hers wasn't. That shows who he is prioritising. It's not you unfortunately. Sorry x