Finding a new partner in your 50s. Can this work?

[NotAgainWilson]

He: very sporty, into cycling (long distance racing), hiking, running, etc. Into gardening, early retired therefore well off. Widower with grown up children.

You: Due to a birth defect useless at sports, not that well off l but living a good life. Garden looks like a rewilding project. Single mum with a child at uni.

Living one hour away. Both home owners.

Similar values, sense of humor, and definitely attracted to each other.

Would this work? In younger times I would say no, but with the extremely reduced dating pool for this age range, is there a chance?

May ask you how you make it work? Wonder I am being a bit too pesimistic.

I think the only way you can see if it will work will be to give it a try. If he's happy to have a couple of nights a week that he stays up a bit later, or comes to yours, great, vice versa you might get up one morning on the weekend for brunch or whatever. If his cycling always comes first, then you are not likely to enjoy that. I know someone who is a MAMIL but he's not so intense about it and has plenty of time for holidays abroad and just life stuff, so that level would not bother me.

You should at least try for awhile as he sounds a lovely bloke. If he invites you along to any of his club's summer socials, please go! And bring your sense of humour! Most of us do this to stay fit, feel great and it's our passion. We also do it so we can eat all the food and drink all the drinks guilt free 🤣 fact.

I'll give 2 examples from my club: our club President is long term married. His wife is not active at all and we just love her because she attends all socials, she's lovely and has a great sense of humour and caring nature. She views none of us girls as threats and gets to know us as people.
Club VP also long term married. Wife not active at all and has never attended a social. We don't know her but would love to know her. She refuses to come along and almost feels as if she's intimidated or insecure. No reason to be as we're mostly a bunch of self depreciating smart arses who love to laugh. She refuses to have anything to do with the club. Their marriage seems overall happy as long as it's just the two of them and no one else on a non club race weekend. So please go along, you'll feel included and maybe understand a bit more of our whole lifestyle. And that would lead you to maybe feel more relaxed about it all.
You wouldn't have to worry about him chasing other women. He's too busy and too tired from training! Lol.
I truly wish you the best.

Call me an idiot but in all my generosity of spirit I was not thinking I would be jealous, I was thinking I should let him go so he could find someone more like him within his club 🙂

That thing of going to club events, I would absolutely love. Really, I like big communities and one of self deprecating arses is just my kind of thing.

Thank you again.

You would fit right in then! I've been in many tri clubs in quite a few countries and although the faces change, we're all the same! All clubs love our socials, love a love and have a bit of a smart arse nature!
If he had options in his club, he would have already pursued those I would think. You should go for it!

*love a laugh

In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take.

Life is too short. You will never know if you dont give it a go.

@NotAgainWilson

May ask you how you make it work? Wonder I am being a bit too pesimistic

He's an early bird and I'm a night owl, he gets up early, takes the dogs for a walk, might go to the gym, then brings me a cuppa in bed once I've had my lie in and we have a cuddle and a natter before the adult chores start. He goes to bed early and I use that time to catch up with friends etc.
When he does his hobbies (such as walking up mountains), I'll meet with friends and I've got a few, slower paced, hobbies.

I think the reason we work is we appreciate that the things we like, the other person might not, so we will never force or expect the other to fit in, or do things we don't want to. We also take an interest in what the other person is doing, so I'll be interested about his morning playing golf and he's pretend to be interested in a bag or piece of jewellery I made on a workshop I went to with a friend.

We do try to carve out most of the day with each other tho and find something we both like doing. I'll sit in the garden and read a book, chat with him, with a dog on my lap whilst he does the gardening. Or potter around the house whilst he's doing diy.

He's also a very active person, he constantly needs to be doing something, whereas I can make a career of 'not doing much'. But he never nags me, or expects me to be as active as he is. In fact he encourages me to chill out and read. He even booked me an Indian head massage the other day.

To me it's about mutual respect and not taking the piss out of each other. I do like to sit and read/watch telly, but I'd not do it if it meant him having to do all the housework. Most things are 50/50 when it comes to chores. I have however found that I enjoy the nice bits of gardening, but because it's never expected of me I'll do bits n bobs and then sit in the sun when I get bored

@BuggeryBumFlaps Thank you, that is very helpful and certainly gives me some hope but will see….

He has just told me he is disappearing for a month over the autumn and half of August so might not be the available person I need.
Having said that, he would be a good friend but then I like him so much, friendship might not work anyway.

How far are you off retiring?
I’m a widower and whilst a few years off retiring I intend to use the opportunity to upsticks for month at a time when i feel like it so dating someone still working wouldn't be on my to do list because I wouldn’t be able to offer anything more than crumbs.

True.

I have never been more miserable than without having a job. I need the structure and the challenges a job provides so, I have no plans to retire anytime soon.

Having said that, I totally understand what you mean, that’s why my ex and I are no longer together. Admittedly, I was not getting crumbs as he put his plans for early retirement on hold for many years to be with me but eventually cracked and off he went.

I guess death sharpens the mind.
We wouldn’t be compatible. But I’d be honest about it.
You might have to make that decision for your self.

Thank you for your comment. I am asking for opinions and I have been lucky to receive some very informative comments that have given me another perspective to inform my decision, but I take my own decisions and always have. I wouldn’t ask strangers to decide for me. 🙂

Hi OP
what I meant was, he is not going to end things because he cant offer you what you need and Will happily let things trundle along
Hence its you who will have to make that call.

You don't have to share all your hobbies.
FWIW I know 3 couples in their 50s/60s where the man is really into cycling and the woman is very unsporty, and they are all happy with each other. I think the women like a bit of time home alone to potter/read.
It sounds like you both have a lot to bring to the table.

Ahh. I’m with you now. You’re right.

Well… it didn’t work. I would like to be more cynical about it but I am a bit heartbroken. We had 8 amazing dates over 2 weeks, really lovely stuff. But it was clear that I was just going to end up getting the “crumbs” from his busy schedule and he couldn’t see beyond my lack of ability to join him on his lifestyle. But the key thing is, I think, that he is still very much in love with his late wife, who was his sidekick in all his hobbies, which I understand and accept has a massive effect on his expectations.

But hey ho, no regrets though, we had a fantastic time.

@NotAgainWilson I am so sorry, and am sending you hugs. There's a big difference in being in an established relationship and one person taking sports more seriously than the other and starting a relationship where you want to feel more of a priority. One friend of mine is married to someone who likes to get up incredibly early and is asleep by 9.00pm, they only go out to lunch and most things she does on her own in the evening...this evolved during their long marriage but it would have been incredibly hard at the start. I am sorry.

Thank you @Ohwellithappens , I appreciate your words. 🙏🏼

I think that him finding the time to arrange 8 dates at short notice, some of them a day long hike, showed he was interested and able to make the time for me but, I bet he has been wondering how a far too independent bookworm was going to fit into his life.

The decision to stop seeing me came so suddenly it makes me think I may have touched a sore point that reminded him of his wife and… that was it, he sent me looking for another person just a day after a lovely day out.

It is a pity really… I was really looking forward to meet also meet group like the one @Yankeescot mentioned. From what this lovely man mentioned you could see they were not only a lovely, fun bunch of people but very caring and supportive to him.

I agree. It’s well worth giving it a chance. As another PP said, in the end your biggest regrets are the things you didn’t do.

My DH and I are always off doing our own different sporting interests. He’s a night owl I like to go to bed early. He likes Tik Tok - I hate it. You get the drift. We both work though I am freelance. He’s 11 years younger - somehow it works!

I think differences are easier to work through in marriages and established relationships, but far harder during the early stages. When you are a bit older you tend to have established a life that has taken effort - doing a hobby working and investing on it so the idea of meeting someone and immediately having to compromise is much harder and seems more risky. Also in an established relationship you are second doubting someone's interest in you, when I meet a person who has a diary full of things at the start that's understandable but months in I would start questioning where I fit into his life...

Give it a go. He sounds lovely. If he’s in his 50s he might start slowing down a bit anyway and that’ll give him time to sort out your garden! I’m being facetious, but you’re never going to know if you nix it before you even start.