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Original poster

Red lines and what do I deserve?

51 replies

bradmore47 · 26/07/2024 22:57

Hi there - this my first time posting but I'm just so sad at the moment. I am a strong independent women but the man I am in love with doesn't treat me like I am worthy of being loved. These are some examples - am I being unreasonable and they are normal?

  • I can't call him - ever. This stems from his separation and the fact that he might be with his daughter. This is wrong isn't it?
  • He doesn't respond to my messages when he is with his kids. I'm OK with this normally but tonight my car broke down and I'm on my own in the cold and dark. He hasn't even messaged to see if I'm ok. (and I'm not - I'm crying on my own)
  • He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now)
  • He never arranges to see me until the last minute - he says that this is because he has to see what the family are doing - but he seems to commit time to see his friends OK
  • I don't want anything but he never even thinks to buy me anything, even a bottle of wine when hes coming round for dinner.
I feel so insecure all of the time. I message him and then apologise for messaging like I've done something wrong. He is the love of my life and we have a connection - but why is it so difficult??
OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 26/07/2024 23:01

NONE of this is normal in a healthy, loving relationship. Please don’t waste years of your life on this guy.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/07/2024 23:02

That sounds like a married man having his cake and eating it to me...

AgreeableDragon · 26/07/2024 23:23

He’s married, not separated!

Lookingforunicorns · 26/07/2024 23:24

He's not the love of your life. He sounds like an arsehole.

bojoscomb · 26/07/2024 23:27

Come on now. If this was a friend or family member what would you be telling them? A relationship shouldn't be hard work, he should want to hear from you, want to help you and want to make you happy.

It does sound very much like he's married.

There are millions of men on the planet, why waste time with someone who treats you like an inconvenience? Stop contacting him, see what happens.

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 23:30

He's with someone else.

The 'don't call me' is a dead giveaway.
As is him not responding when he's 'with his kids'. That's such a lie. Why would his kids give a fuck who he texts.

He has a partner and she knows he's a dodgy fucker so he can't text around her.

He Hever arranges to the last minute because he might have other women with better plans (eg:sex) to see first.

Sorry op but he's a scumball.

He's not the love of your life. Love makes you feel happy, safe, the best version of you. Thus us just infatuation with a tosser who frankly, treats you like shit. Time to put on your big girl pants op and dump this dick.

FloofyKat · 26/07/2024 23:30

He’s definitely not worth your time. Ditch him and find someone who treats you properly!

thiscantbemylife · 26/07/2024 23:32

What makes him the love of your life OP?
if you been seeing each other a year and he separated last year was there an overlap or he jumped straight in to dating? How did you meet? Sounds confusing is his ex living with him? Don’t get why he can’t call you

RexKwando · 27/07/2024 00:38
  • He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now)

This says it all I'm afraid.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/07/2024 00:44

He’s not the love of your life. He’s someone who doesn’t even like you very much and certainly doesn’t respect you.

LTB @bradmore47

Notthatcatagain · 27/07/2024 00:52

There is no connection on his side, you are just a convenience when nothing better is around. You can do so much better

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 27/07/2024 01:08

He is a married man and you're the other woman.

GalacticalFarce · 27/07/2024 01:42

He just fits you in when there's nothing better going on.
Do not continue with this. See how you're feeling today? It will always be like this and he will never change.

GalacticalFarce · 27/07/2024 01:43

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 27/07/2024 01:08

He is a married man and you're the other woman.

Yeah. I wonder if his wife knows they're separated.

CatchHimDerry · 27/07/2024 01:44

Deffo still married, sorry OP

Thisoldchestnut · 27/07/2024 01:59

Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself "is this it? Is this all I deserve?". You deserve better, now go get a grip of yourself and kick him to the kerb x

XChrome · 27/07/2024 03:13

"I can't call him - ever. This stems from his separation and the fact that he might be with his daughter. This is wrong isn't it?"

It stems from him being with somebody else and afraid she'll catch him talking to you. If not his wife, another GF.

"He doesn't respond to my messages when he is with his kids. I'm OK with this normally but tonight my car broke down and I'm on my own in the cold and dark. He hasn't even messaged to see if I'm ok. (and I'm not - I'm crying on my own)"

You should not be okay with such rudeness ever.

"He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now)"

He can't say some words because things need to "settle down" at home? OP, come on. He is obviously still hung up on his wife.

"He never arranges to see me until the last minute - he says that this is because he has to see what the family are doing - but he seems to commit time to see his friends OK"

Are you okay with being an afterthought and a convenience when he has nothing else to do?

"I don't want anything but he never even thinks to buy me anything, even a bottle of wine when hes coming round for dinner."

Cheap, selfish prick.

Dump dump dump for all the reasons above and undoubtedly many more. He's using you and he's a greasy liar. I'm really sorry, but you do need to face this.

CalicoPusscat · 27/07/2024 03:35

He's calling all the shots - you'll never get the support and respect you need from him

Edingril · 27/07/2024 03:52

If you need to ask if it is normal stop dating

SD1978 · 27/07/2024 03:53

Was there an overlap if he seperated last year and you have been 'dating' for a year? Is he still in the family home? It doesn't sound alike you're his partner, but his side piece.

Southern68 · 27/07/2024 04:35

Sounds like the very last relationship I had and the one that determined me to be single.
Every single thing you put applied to my ex, he was def not and had never been married, he was however commitment shy and very set in in his ways. His fav thing to do was arrange to come over, I'd cook and he'd just not turn up, I'd get sorry, one of my mates popped round, or I forgot my son was cooking me dinner tonight. It dragged on for 4 years before I ended it, all he could say was sorry, I'm a bit shit at being a boyfriend.
It totally put me off men and it was a struggle to find myself again and be happy as it destroyed my self esteem. What killed me was he knew how badly my alcoholic ex husband treated me untill I left him, and he alway said the ex husband was an idiot and he'd never hurt me.
Don't let him do this to you, tell him where to go and get out before you waste any more time on this emotional black hole.

Lurkingandlearning · 27/07/2024 07:50

I appreciate you have strong feelings for him but I hope for your sake he isn’t the love of your life and that you will meet the man who is soon.

This relationship is not what love is, it’s an unavailable man taking advantage of the attraction you feel towards him.

Find someone who is at least available and feels the same way about you. Someone like that may well turn out to be the love of your life

Penguinsmum · 27/07/2024 07:58

This isn't 'love if your life' material. Can't you do better than him? You deserve much better.

AngelusBell · 27/07/2024 08:05

bradmore47 · 26/07/2024 22:57

Hi there - this my first time posting but I'm just so sad at the moment. I am a strong independent women but the man I am in love with doesn't treat me like I am worthy of being loved. These are some examples - am I being unreasonable and they are normal?

  • I can't call him - ever. This stems from his separation and the fact that he might be with his daughter. This is wrong isn't it?
  • He doesn't respond to my messages when he is with his kids. I'm OK with this normally but tonight my car broke down and I'm on my own in the cold and dark. He hasn't even messaged to see if I'm ok. (and I'm not - I'm crying on my own)
  • He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now)
  • He never arranges to see me until the last minute - he says that this is because he has to see what the family are doing - but he seems to commit time to see his friends OK
  • I don't want anything but he never even thinks to buy me anything, even a bottle of wine when hes coming round for dinner.
I feel so insecure all of the time. I message him and then apologise for messaging like I've done something wrong. He is the love of my life and we have a connection - but why is it so difficult??

He’s married. Block his number and move on.