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Original poster

Red lines and what do I deserve?

51 replies

bradmore47 · 26/07/2024 22:57

Hi there - this my first time posting but I'm just so sad at the moment. I am a strong independent women but the man I am in love with doesn't treat me like I am worthy of being loved. These are some examples - am I being unreasonable and they are normal?

  • I can't call him - ever. This stems from his separation and the fact that he might be with his daughter. This is wrong isn't it?
  • He doesn't respond to my messages when he is with his kids. I'm OK with this normally but tonight my car broke down and I'm on my own in the cold and dark. He hasn't even messaged to see if I'm ok. (and I'm not - I'm crying on my own)
  • He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now)
  • He never arranges to see me until the last minute - he says that this is because he has to see what the family are doing - but he seems to commit time to see his friends OK
  • I don't want anything but he never even thinks to buy me anything, even a bottle of wine when hes coming round for dinner.
I feel so insecure all of the time. I message him and then apologise for messaging like I've done something wrong. He is the love of my life and we have a connection - but why is it so difficult??
OP posts:
Whatbloodysummer · 27/07/2024 08:08

No, OP, it's not 'normal' behaviour for anyone in a 'relationship' of a year.

He's clearly still with his wife (or another girlfriend).

He shows you zero 'love', consideration or even the basic respect you'd get from a new work colleague ffs !

You need to dump this asshat and do some work on raising your non existent standards I'm afraid.

tribpot · 27/07/2024 08:10

This is not the love of your life, OP. It sounds like you're infatuated and you've built this up to be something that it simply isn't.

Hope you made it home okay last night. Use this experience of having no support during a stressful and scary time to look at the state of this relationship and realise you deserve so much more than this.

Seriously79 · 27/07/2024 08:12

OP, with the greatest of respect, you need to start being the 'strong independent woman' that you claim to be.

You will feel better for it.

Couldyounot · 27/07/2024 08:14

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 23:30

He's with someone else.

The 'don't call me' is a dead giveaway.
As is him not responding when he's 'with his kids'. That's such a lie. Why would his kids give a fuck who he texts.

He has a partner and she knows he's a dodgy fucker so he can't text around her.

He Hever arranges to the last minute because he might have other women with better plans (eg:sex) to see first.

Sorry op but he's a scumball.

He's not the love of your life. Love makes you feel happy, safe, the best version of you. Thus us just infatuation with a tosser who frankly, treats you like shit. Time to put on your big girl pants op and dump this dick.

All of this, OP. You're wasting your time with this man.

MissSookieStackhouse · 27/07/2024 08:14

You may think he’s the love of your life (although I really can’t understand why given your post) but you are certainly not his. You deserve far better than the crumbs this man gives you when he’s not got something better to do. Please wake up and stop letting this probably married man (or in another long term relationship) treat you like a casual pick up when he can be bothered.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/07/2024 08:17

He's either still married or he has other women on the go. Don't kid yourself it's because his dc "might" be around. A normal person would still answer the phone and say I cant talk now I have dc, will call you later.

Get some self respect and dump this loser.

Wishimaywishimight · 27/07/2024 08:18

You say you are a "strong independent woman" but this excuse for a relationship you are enduring says otherwise.

This man has little time for you and zero interest in your welfare or happiness. He is far from the 'love of your life'.

Please get rid. He is not suddenly going to care about you and spend time with you. Surely you want more from your life than this?

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2024 08:19

All things considered, I'd say his wife doesn't know they're separated.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2024 08:20

And you're not as strong and independent as you claim if this man is the 'love of your life'.

Holidaysrule · 27/07/2024 08:21

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 23:30

He's with someone else.

The 'don't call me' is a dead giveaway.
As is him not responding when he's 'with his kids'. That's such a lie. Why would his kids give a fuck who he texts.

He has a partner and she knows he's a dodgy fucker so he can't text around her.

He Hever arranges to the last minute because he might have other women with better plans (eg:sex) to see first.

Sorry op but he's a scumball.

He's not the love of your life. Love makes you feel happy, safe, the best version of you. Thus us just infatuation with a tosser who frankly, treats you like shit. Time to put on your big girl pants op and dump this dick.

This. Entirely. Get rid of the utter, utter twat.

Inspireme2 · 27/07/2024 08:29

Sounds terrible for someone you really care about.
No texts, no calls oh please.
Is he living in his own place?
Get rid of him & get yourself a roadside assistance cover for your car.

hobbledyhoy · 27/07/2024 08:29

You're worth more than this. Why are you chasing after someone who's treating you like shit?

He's married and he's moulding your behaviour to fit his needs so he doesn't get caught.

As hard as it may be, view his actions objectively and get rid now, you've only lost 12 months, don't lose anymore.

SamW98 · 27/07/2024 08:36

Does his wife know they’re separated?

If she does then you started seeing him before they split or very quickly afterwards so you’re his rebound bit of fun - however like most PP I doubt he’s actually separated.

Have you ever been to his place?

And as others have said you says you’re a strong independent woman but your actions with this man scream you’re anything but that. Why are you tolerating being thrown a few crumbs?

Downunderduchess · 27/07/2024 08:36

Have you ever been to his place and spent the night? It honestly sounds like he sees you as just a convenience when it suits him. There’s no love there. Have an honest talk with yourself. If you want to share your life with someone, it’s not going to be him by the sounds of it.

Boomer55 · 27/07/2024 08:38

It sounds as if he’s still married. 💐

SamW98 · 27/07/2024 08:44
  • I can't call him - ever. This stems from his separation and the fact that he might be with his daughter. This is wrong isn't it? - He’s with another woman not his daughter. His reason makes no sense.

.

  • He doesn't respond to my messages when he is with his kids. I'm OK with this normally but tonight my car broke down and I'm on my own in the cold and dark. He hasn't even messaged to see if I'm ok. (and I'm not - I'm crying on my own) - He’s not with his kids he’s with his wife/another woman
  • He says that he feels love but he can't say that he;s in love with me because he wants things to settle down at home first (he separated last year and we have been seeing each other for over a year now) - What an absolute crock of shit. You really believe this crap?
  • He never arranges to see me until the last minute - he says that this is because he has to see what the family are doing - but he seems to commit time to see his friends OK - Has to make his excuses to his wife and make sure he’s allowed out.
  • I don't want anything but he never even thinks to buy me anything, even a bottle of wine when hes coming round for dinner. Tight arse twat. Do you go to his place for dinner?

Honestly OP this one got more red flags than a communist rally. Take off the rose tinted specs and you’ll see them clearly

CalicoPusscat · 27/07/2024 12:15

How are you doing today?

Original poster
bradmore47 · 27/07/2024 21:31

CalicoPusscat · 27/07/2024 12:15

How are you doing today?

Thank you for asking. Yes thank you - although the tow truck didn't come until 11pm . And to whoever also asked, yes I do have roadside assistance.
I know all of these things that people have said - especially that I deserve more respect. He is separated and I have been to his house. There are lots of confusing messages that he sends which makes it so difficult to understand.

Thank you for everyone who responded...however brutal!

OP posts:
Original poster
bradmore47 · 27/07/2024 21:33

And thank you to the poster who said ' this one got more red flags than a communist rally'. It really made me laugh out loud and I needed that.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2024 21:34

Why are your boundaries so very bad here?. Please do not waste any more of your precious life on this supposed love of your life - he is not this at all. His mixed messages are deliberately designed to confuse you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2024 21:42

You are the other woman in this scenario as he is not divorced. You are anything but a strong independent woman you describe yourself as. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

PaminaMozart · 27/07/2024 21:51

There are lots of confusing messages that he sends which makes it so difficult to understand

Look, if he had your back, there would be no confusion. He is constantly and deliberately keeping you on edge. He absolutely does not want you to feel secure. He sees you as a puppet on a string and he is using every ploy in the cad's handbook to toy with you and feed your anxiety.

Original poster
bradmore47 · 27/07/2024 21:51

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2024 21:42

You are the other woman in this scenario as he is not divorced. You are anything but a strong independent woman you describe yourself as. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I realise that when I posted that thread I was opening myself up for all kinds of responses - but I think that questioning what I learnt when growing up is not something I came here for. Thank you for taking the time to respond (and to everyone who has). I won't be bothering people again.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2024 21:55

It’s a relevant question to ask. We do learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/07/2024 22:12

The love of your life wouldn't treat you like this. It's not love. He's a waste of energy. Sorry.