To not arrange my only child free day around him?

[Lovemusic82]

New ish relationship….not serious but exclusive (I think). Really struggling to find time to spend together, I have a disabled teen who is 4 weeks in to 12 week summer break. He works full time and does a couple small jobs on the side, he has 2 almost adult dc (not living with him). On Sundays I have a a day without my dc. I have quite a few friends and a few hobbies which are hard to peruse when dc is off.

DP keeps saying he wants to do this that and the other with me but he’s never free for a full day (either working or spending time with his dc). He often has something going on Sunday for half the day and expects me to hang around and meet up with him or drive to his in the afternoon for a couple hours. This means I can’t really go out for the day to meet friends or do a hobby. He’s then often running late so we end up seeing each other for 2 hours before I need to collect my dc. He has said his work pattern will change but he keeps picking up more weekend work meaning he only has one Sunday a month free at the most.

So this weekend he’s busy sat, busy sun morning but wants me to meet him around 2pm Sunday. AIBU to say ‘no’ because I want to go out for the day and not hang around waiting for him to be available?

At the moment I’m driving to his one evening a week (the only week night he’s not working) and seeing him on a Sunday once a month. I’m not too bothered about this, though I will likely get bored with it (as we are not actually going out or doing anything together). I’m just a bit annoyed that he keeps saying about going to certain places and doing things together but he doesn’t actually have any time to do these things and doesn’t seem to me making time?

I am happy just seeing someone once a week but ideally I would like to spend long enough to actually go somewhere and do something rather than hanging out at his (he’s always tired).

sorry for rambling 🤣

Do I just make plans to do my own thing Sunday and tell him I’m busy?

I don't really get why you think he's the one being UR when you are doing the same, right? Is he 'expecting' you to be free, or just keen on you and trying to make your only free day work around his stuff too?

Neither of you are being awful, it just sounds like it's too casual and will fizzle.

And it sounds like you're both "using" each other for the benefits.

So basically be free if you want, but don't be angry at him for wanting to see you. That's just odd.

Not unreasonable.

Start doing what he does. Assumptively ask if he’s free during a window that works for you. Get in there first so he can’t be the one who tries to set the agenda by asking you. Often the best way to make you point is to let others be in the receiving end of the way they behave, for the penny to drop.

If he asks you say no but I’m free during x window. Always put him on the receiving end of this

Exactly this! The audacity of him. I'm really surprised that so many posters are jumping to his defence. How dare he treat you like some sort of sex delivery when he hasn't got anything better to do. So many men do this.

Sorry for the drip feed.

I don’t think I have really given him a chance to change anything. I have mentioned me not waiting around for him on my only child free day and I thought he had taken that in but he continues to ask me to do it despite me often not making myself available to do it. I like him but I feel I don’t know him that well because we don’t go out doing things together. Maybe I need to talk to him more and if there’s nothing he’s willing to do to change the situation then I walk away. I understand he’s busy at the moment as am I. He has a dc going to uni in September so he wants to spend time with them which I understand, I also have a dc home from uni who I’m enjoying spending time with. I’m just annoyed as he makes plans to do things together but can’t name a day it will happen.

I will talk to him, I’m sure he will ask me again later what I am doing Sunday? And I shall tell him I’m busy and that ‘if he can’t make time to do something together for the day then I’m going to make my own plans’. Most of the time he’s busy because of work, he keeps taking on more work when he doesn’t really need too.

How about you make your plans for your weekend.
If and when it suits you tell him yes your available, ehat can we or will we be doing for a change?
Meet him out of his house, otherwise No I have plans.
Better to put yourself and your needs first.

He also messages me when he knows I’m busy (out with friends or my dc), and keeps messaging even when I don’t reply. But if he’s busy with friends or family I hear nothing from him (I don’t expect too so why does he expect to hear from me?).

It feels like he just wants someone to message when he’s bored and someone to fill his spare time when it suits him.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but I do think you're incompatible long-term. This isn't ever going to stop being an issue.

If that's the way you feel, why are you still seeing him?!

You’ve just admitted it. It’s only sex.

Neither of you are really into the other.

If it’s a relationship you’re looking for, you need to bin him off because the beginning is the best bit - and you haven’t got that - so it’s not getting any better.

If it’s FWB then fine but you’ll have to accept driving there one evening a week and a couple of hours Sunday afternoon. Don’t do it.

I guess I have been waiting for things to change. A few weeks ago he said he would have less going on at the weekends so we could do more together, I have been waiting for it to happen but I think I know it’s not going too.

I think you need to just move on. You are not a priority for him, it's just words, and you have a full life without him. I have a tendency to hang in for too long too even when I realistically know that it's not the one I want to be with longer term because I think things might change. The stage you are at should be the most exciting and fun stage, it's not going to get any better even if he says it will. He's comfortable and you are bored, that won't change.

Tell him that’s how it feels

Dumping him would be tricky right now….I can’t explain why as it would be outing but I kind of need to stay friends with him as we will cross paths a lot over the next year

^ what’s stopping you saying ‘neither of us had the time for a relationship’? You sound like you’re trying to stay on his good side.

So mostly it seems, you travel to him 1 evening a week, and travel to him Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours.How far apart do you live? For that, you get to sit around his house apart from sex and food. The clue is in the title, you are ment to be in the dating phase, but he's not taken you out anywhere and even refuses your suggestions. Either he's plain boring as a BF, or yes he is indeed fitting you in at his convenience and doing minimal effort, letting you go to him. Seems to think sex and food is all that's required and missed the sharing new experiences part. He might conduct all his relationships like this, so it's not personal. It does explain why he's single though, it sounds like it gets old and dull.
There's not enough input from him to sustain it. 2 hours on a Sunday once a month, and 1 evening a week - never an overnight? It's never going to be enough for anyone. I'd say its only your busy life and limited time that has helped you put up with it so far, maybe as you have your own limits on free time.
Be busy this Sunday, then fade it out in the week. You could use his excuse and say you feel too tired for an evening visit. If he bothers to ask you if there is anything up, just say you're not feeling it anymore and you think it's run it's course.

You can still be civil when you cross paths in future - I'm guessing it's either work or hobby related. Trying to keep him sweet and hanging in just because you will be coming across him is lacking courage to do what's right.
The learning from this could be to not date people you need to have ongoing associations with for other reasons, as you now know it gets messy and can make things awkward. Hopefully, you are both mature enough to deal with crossing paths in future.

Decide what you would like to do on the Sunday (an all day event) ask him if he would like to join you. If he says he is busy in the morning, tell him fair enough you will do it with someone else.

Stop being his booty call, if he wants a relationship, he should work for it.

He has hinted at me staying over for a night. It takes some organising from. Y side as my dc is disabled and never stay over her dads (but I can possibly sort it) but he can’t ever give me a date when he’s free and I’m not just going over late at night and going home in the morning because he has something on the next day. It does seem that this I’d what he thinks a relationship should be like, he has mentioned all the things he did with his ex (things he wanted to do) and said that she moaned about it during the divorce.

I will try and speak to him later.

And we are not linked through work or a hobby, it’s a bit more complicated than that. And if I had known before we started seeing each other I wouldn’t have got involved with him (no more than a friend anyway), we did meet through a interest/hobby.

It’s still fine not to continue dating him. It doesn’t have to mean that you can’t be in the same place going forward. I’m still friends/friendly with guys I have dated. You shouldn’t date someone because it’s awkward not to.

I would tell him you're out for the day but he's more than welcome to come to wherever you are and take part lol. See if he's really committed to you and going somewhere or just end it and find someone with more time or at least common hobbies.

Live your life, he'll either make time or he won't.
He says all those things "liking you more and being interested, talking future" because that's getting him sex in those 2 hours...
His behaviour isn't matching those words though.

Don't stay chained to someone cos it'll be a bit awkward at work. Value yourself as somebody needs to and he doesn't x

It seems to me that he is expecting you to do all the compromising, and he isn't prepared to budge an inch from all the things that take up his time. He wants you to prioritise him, yet there's no sign of him wanting to make any effort to change his plans so he can see you.

Was his ex a little wifey? The sort who didn’t do anything without him and put him first all the time?

I think you’re not compatible right now and I also think it’s absolutely fine to tell him he has to bend to make it fit as well. You’re not at his beck and call and his plans aren’t more important than any you might make yourself

The start of a relationship tends to be the time that both parties want to spend time a lot of time together and will (often without realising) prioritise that over most things for a while. It’s quite often a time when you can’t stop thinking about the other person and usually would go out of your way to snatch even a few hours together.
This doesn’t seem to be happening for you. I get the feeling that neither of you are particularly in to the other.

Quite possibly…she did cheat on him so I’m wondering wether he wasn’t really available to her either?

I did tell him that I wasn’t just going to meet up with him for 2 hours (when I have to drive almost an hour to him), he said that he has to work lots to survive so doesn’t get much free time….he then went on to tell me he was booking a holiday abroad for October. We spent last Sunday together but he’s now away this weekend and working the weekend after. He messages me like we are in a serious relationship, telling me about his day, work, family etc…but doesn’t seem to want to be available to do anything together other than meeting up for a couple hours here and there.

I have kind of stepped back. I have told him how I feel and he doesn’t seem to want to change it. I wouldn’t say we are in a relationship…I never agreed to a relationship, so I am tempted to see other people 😬.

Sounds like neither of you have lifestyles that are compatible with eachother. He needs someone with high flexibility who can slot in here and there when all the other things he has to manage happen to subside for a few hours and for him this could happen 3 or 4 times a week. You need someone with reliable availability who can spend whole days with you occasionally but not very frequently as they won't be the only person you want to spend your rare downtime with.

Just keep looking. This isn't the one.