Sick of flaky friend cancer

[Frogmila]

How would you handle this flaky friend?

I am pissed off by the way so accept I sound judgemental but it's a fair summary. She has her good points too but the balance has tipped

We live a long way apart now but she's in touch heavily with her fairly regular personal issues. Frankly mostly of her own doing, falling out with people, crap men etc.

I've been having cancer treatment and from her it's a mix of not being in contact, flaking on calls or visits she has suggested (I'm not up to travelling much at the minute but have visited her regularly in the past) or tactless comments (toxic positivity, making light of nasty symptoms, suggestions of quite facile 'spiritual' approaches like mindfulness). I also hear a great deal about her busy life and problems. I don't begrudge her this and want to hear about my friend's lives but it is tactlessly delivered.

Essentially, I am happy to have very sporadic catch ups if that's what she's got time for. That's absolutely fine.

What pisses me off are the messages about how busy she is, saying she will call at a certain time or visit, then flaking again. It feels like if I call her out it will be because I am demanding too much from her when she has this kerazy existence. I'm not. I truly don't care whether she calls or not, I just find the saying she will then cancelling really maddening at this stage. It's as though she wants to feel in demand.

Also telling me how I feel re health. 'sounds like youre much better then!' when I've had a shit week.

It's been like this for years. She's just made and broken another arrangement with no input from me and it is so annoying!!

I want to tell her to stop making arrangements but make it clear it's not because I am in any way needy. The 'i'm mad me' attitude is really wearing thin. I am very close to blocking her but we have friends in common and it's not really in my nature, I'd rather not have any shit and just phase things down to an occasional acquaintance but she keeps coming back with these fucking arrangements then breaking them and pushing for health updates then not replying.

She fancies herself very wise (is actually pretty sheltered in a way).

I would just phase her out, stop replying to messages etc. See her and chat when in a group, but make no effort to keep this 'friendship' going.
What are you actually getting out of it?
Time to concentrate on you for a bit.

If she calls you on it, use her own excuses. Too busy. Or your own, too ill.

To add, when I was able to meet more in person she would cancel time and time again, often last minute, including when I was travelling (I wouldn't just travel to see her due to her liability to flake). This isn't just me expecting her to do the visiting.

I seem to be a useful contact for going over personal problems and for her to practice feeling wise rather than an actual friend. It's a bit weird and I think I've reached capacity with her.

Thanks @OttersAreMySpiritAnimal this is what my partner suggests. If I do this I can see her making and cancelling arrangements without Ny response forever!!

Definitely. Don't be so available for her.

Time to prioritise yourself. Personally, I’d cut contact. You don’t need this crap. All the best for your treatment.

this person never was a friend to you, just an acquaintance using you when it suited her.
just ignore her.
concentrate on yourself and the people around you who are capable of appreciating you.
don't cast your pearls before swine.

I’m sorry you’re going through this cancer treatment OP and are having some bad weeks.

I would start to fade her. Ignore most messages. Grey rock replies if tries to make arrangements. ‘I won’t be able to make it as I’m busy’. ‘leave it with me’ ‘I’ll have a think’ ‘I’ll let you know’ . And obviously never follow up.

She’s not a friend to you I’m afraid. You don’t need someone trying to shut you down with ‘you’re getting better then’ when you’re feeling really shit.

You are correct. You’re someone to ring up when she needs to spout about herself. But she sees any chat that’s not about her as a waste of time. That’s not friendship. Get rid.

💐

What really pisses me off is that I've asked absolutely nothing of her, we chat occasionally unless she's having a personal issue. She is deliberately someone I haven't unburdened onto about my illness.

Yet she's behaving as though she has to manage my expectations for some reason. So, she will message to apologise (needlessly) for how busy she's been, with some pictures out etc, ask for a health update then say she's so busy, will be in touch next week.for a call. Then kick it to the next week. I don't need or want her to do that, it's causing me a lot of irritation. It's as though she's both centring herself and not being present as a friend at all. I don't know why she can't just message now and again like a normal person rather than being like 'yah, my diary's packed but I'll fit you in in two weeks to touch base' when I never asked!!

I am a very independent person and have never asked any of my friends for anything!! I
She's behaving as though I'm pushing for her time

Sorry, ranting but she's wound me right up!!

I think you're at a point where you simply don't like her or enjoy her company/contact any more (I wouldn't either - she sounds awful). I think just give up on her and accept that the friendship's run its natural course.

Sorry to hear you're having cancer treatment - that's quite bloody stressful enough without having to deal with someone irritating you like your friend does.

It doesn't sound like you're getting much from this friendship - you don't sound like you like her much at all. Of course it's annoying when someone regularly makes plans and then let's you down, you'd be perfectly justified in telling her how annoying and inconsiderate you find it. But to be honest, you might as well just let the friendship slide and not bother keeping in contact if you find her that annoying?

You're just misaligned at the moment. You've no capacity to be what she wants you to be and visa versa. Step back from this. You can pick it up down the line if you want to resume that role.

Thanks all. Yes I think this is about the size of it. We've had a huge work thing in common for several years or I think id have come to this conclusion sooner. She's really not a terrible lass, I like her company despite disagreeing with a fair few things she does in her personal life. I just find the glibness and flakiness at this time far too much to handle at the moment especially from someone who considers themselves a wise and empathetic character and all that shite.

You really don't need her in your life, you have enough to deal with.
I hope your treatment is going well.

She sounds exactly like one of my cousins, it is so incredible frustrating to be assigned a walk on part in her life, and anyone who is sick is told that they'll be fine, it's nothing serious, take some tumeric or vitamin c, while her own health is so fascinating, I know more about her bowel movements than my own.

Sorry you're going through cancer treatment, as everyone else has said, try to ignore her - I would just tell her you're too sick to make plans, ignore her texts and let the friendship fade. She will find someone else to talk about how stressed she is that her very good friend Frogmila is sick, and how that impacts on her.

Frankly I don't like her much at the moment and that's a real shame. As I say I've liked her company in the past but this is too much. Don't get me wrong. There's a huge element of not being a terrible person getting it wrong but it's again and again being tactless, flaky, self serving

The issue is that I think she'll just keep going and going messaging me in this same way if I ignore her and it's really annoying.

Im not very practiced in telling friends I'm not happy. Managing other tricky situations, yes, but not friendships.

Any ideas how to tell her I'd like to drop it with the calls and suggested visits without sounding either petulant or too gentle?

I mean, ignoring might be the answer and just actually not read the messages

Infuriating. I’d have to mute her. You have enough going on.

I am so sorry you are going through cancer it really is a cunt of a disease (sorry for language but I just hate it). Your friend sounds very like an ex friend of mine where when plans were made even with ones she had made herself she never turned up or it would never be mentioned again. I found after no longer having her as a friend (can't really say out of my life as her boyfriend is the brother of my DP) life is so much simpler

@Frogmila - I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

Re your question, "Any ideas how to tell her I'd like to drop it with the calls and suggested visits without sounding either petulant or too gentle?"
Could you say something along the lines of, "As you know, I've been very unwell, and I need to take some time to concentrate on me. I won't be making arrangements for calls or meetups for the next six months as I concentrate on my health. Would love to get some text messages from you with updates, as I care about you, but I will only be able to respond when I feel well enough. Please stay in touch." That way she can still message you, and you can answer when it's a good time for you, but you aren't waiting for calls and meet ups which don't materialise. Also, text messages mean that she can't dump all her problems on you, and use you as a sounding board, because you only need to answer when and if you feel like it. If she genuinely stays in touch on that basis, she does care about you, despite all her faults. If she was using you as a sounding board, then that option has been taken away, and she will move on to someone else.

Take care of yourself. You matter the most now, and you can be a blunt as you like.

That sounds perfect @Zimunya .

Your friend sounds infuriating, poor self awareness and low EQ/empathy - doesn't make for a great friend or even a friend really.

Thanks for this, that's a great suggestion and basis for where to start

Been through cancer treatment myself OP and OMG this would have driven me up the wall. I’d want her to know how little her communications mean to me at some point but for now you don’t need the hassle or confrontation. You’ve got more important stuff to focus on. Can you get a PAYGO sim for a new mobile number pop it in a phone and text her your “new number” and then remove the sim, place it somewhere safe and let her get on with it without having to listen to her blethering on. I doubt she will bother to share your number with mutual friends so you’ll just carry on with them on your usual number. I’d just want to ignore without hassle of blocking or muting or knowing there was a voicemail etc

Don't enable her behaviour any longer...focus on your health and wellbeing.

Don't arrange to meet again. If she messages you just send a short polite reply without questions and say you're busy if she wants to meet up. There doesn't have to be any drama. I feel like I have no time for this sort now and have pretty much phased them all out even the ones I've know forever. I would try to focus on friends who are solid, sensible and don't flake out on you these are the keepers who really love you.