Sick of flaky friend cancer

[Frogmila]

How would you handle this flaky friend?

I am pissed off by the way so accept I sound judgemental but it's a fair summary. She has her good points too but the balance has tipped

We live a long way apart now but she's in touch heavily with her fairly regular personal issues. Frankly mostly of her own doing, falling out with people, crap men etc.

I've been having cancer treatment and from her it's a mix of not being in contact, flaking on calls or visits she has suggested (I'm not up to travelling much at the minute but have visited her regularly in the past) or tactless comments (toxic positivity, making light of nasty symptoms, suggestions of quite facile 'spiritual' approaches like mindfulness). I also hear a great deal about her busy life and problems. I don't begrudge her this and want to hear about my friend's lives but it is tactlessly delivered.

Essentially, I am happy to have very sporadic catch ups if that's what she's got time for. That's absolutely fine.

What pisses me off are the messages about how busy she is, saying she will call at a certain time or visit, then flaking again. It feels like if I call her out it will be because I am demanding too much from her when she has this kerazy existence. I'm not. I truly don't care whether she calls or not, I just find the saying she will then cancelling really maddening at this stage. It's as though she wants to feel in demand.

Also telling me how I feel re health. 'sounds like youre much better then!' when I've had a shit week.

It's been like this for years. She's just made and broken another arrangement with no input from me and it is so annoying!!

I want to tell her to stop making arrangements but make it clear it's not because I am in any way needy. The 'i'm mad me' attitude is really wearing thin. I am very close to blocking her but we have friends in common and it's not really in my nature, I'd rather not have any shit and just phase things down to an occasional acquaintance but she keeps coming back with these fucking arrangements then breaking them and pushing for health updates then not replying.

She fancies herself very wise (is actually pretty sheltered in a way).

I wouldn't recommend messaging to say you're withdrawing, she sounds very 'me me' and she may well thrive on that drama.
Next time you get a message asking to meet up just brush her off and ignore.
People like this are exhausting especially when you have enough on your plate as is. I hope you're treatment is all going well.

I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time.

I agree with a PP that it seems she will turn it into being all about her if you were to say you are backing off or need space so my approach would be to just give short answers and not engage with a proper conversation. If she says she will call, just ignore the can when(if) she does like she has to you. If she proposes visiting, tell her you will get back to her but just don’t give a date. This way you haven’t said anything for her to complain to anyone else about and can keep it as normal with mutual friends

Yeah, sounds like she's just using you as a mirror to reflect her own best, admirable, 'caring fwend' version of herself back to her. Stuff like this that you can let slide normally - with cancer, you ain't got the bandwidth! Been there, done that. 🤗

I agree with getting your excuses in first - you're tired/unwell/have hospital appointments, won't be available for the foreseeable future. If she sends you long texts, just reply (eventually) with a thumbs up or sad face emoji, whatever will most take the wind out of her self-absorbed sails.

It frees up a lot of energy when you prune out people like her! They never come round with a damn pie, do they?! 😄

The biggest joy I've taken from my terminal
Cancer diagnosis is the guilt free ability to cut these feckers out of my life.

Do it OP, it's liberating......

Sorry to hear about those who've had/ are going through cancer. Agreed with @Kerkyra2024 's description but hope you're all managing well xx

Really appreciate everyone's understanding. For now I've decided to ignore. It's hard as I want to take control more but instinct is saying this might provide her with something to create about and I really don't have the capacity for that so she can simply stay muted. It's frustrating in itself but I think probably the right way to go

@Jellytotsandwinegums that's exactly what my DP said more or less! She's the star in her own soap opera!