DP wants a baby, I don’t.

[Daneinuk22]

I’ve been with DP 3 years, I have a DD(7) from a previous relationship.

When I met DP I was very clear that I didn’t want any more children, he was ok with this. Roll forward 3 years and he’s now desperate for a child of his own, he’s a great step-dad to my DD, but this hasn’t changed my mind re not wanting anymore children.

I obviously don’t want to deprive him the chance of having his own biological child, so when he brings up the baby topic I tell him that I love him very much and although I’d be upset to lose him, I’d understand if he wants to separate so he can move on with someone who would give him a baby.

So far he hasn’t left, but he keeps bringing the baby topic up or saying things like ‘that guy is doing ok in life, he has a baby’. I feel like it’s on him to leave me, I’m happy and content in the relationship, why would I end it?!.. any recommendations of how to handle the situation / conversations.

Also, this isn’t a ‘should I have another baby’ post, my mind is made up on that, as it was before I met DP.

Sounds like you're doing everything right.

He probably won't stop talking about it if it's something he really wants, but you've been totally clear in your position, so yes, if he's not happy you've made it clear he's welcome to leave, and if he chooses to stay, that's also his choice.

Doesn't sound like there's much that you could or should do differently.

Break up with him. He knows that you don't want another child but keeps mentioning it in the hope that you'll change your mind. If one person doesn't want a baby then you don't have a baby.

This will wear you down op. Also, nice people don't go on at others until they get their way.

You're doing the right thing OP, he's the one who needs to make this call.

It’s great that you are very clear on your personal feelings. I would find it hard to stay with someone who doesn’t respect that.

I understand you not wanting to leave him if he wants a child and you don't. That's his problem to deal with.
But if he keeps bringing it up, he's going to keep putting pressure on you. And that becomes your problem.
If I were you, I'd be very clear that the conversation is closed and you won't be getting into it over and over again. The only conversation that's supposed to happen, is the one where he decides to leave you for it or not.

I would try sitting him down one more time and explain that you don't want another child- ever, and will not be changing your mind. Any further attempt after that to talk you round etc, and I think you will need to break up with hi.

It sounds like he is still hoping you will change your mind currently. When it finally permeates through his thick head that you are serious, he'll likely leave anyway.

Yes nice people really don't harangue you into doing something you don't want to do. Maybe you need to point it out even clearer because he's going to end up resenting you even though you've stated your position

You want different things

The 'that guy is doing okay in life' comment would really piss me off op. That guy didn't have to carry a baby for 40 weeks and lose respect at work and mess up his pelvic floor. Not to mention how financially vulnerable pregnancy makes you. As you know op , you have to really want a baby to put yourself through that.

Have you thought of going for couples counselling? If it’s not going to be resolved between you on your own then it’s worth seeing someone as it’s not fair on your son to get close to someone who then leaves later on as he’s already lost one family unit.

Same. After repeating myself enough times, I'd say "ok this is the last time I'm going to say it, no means no. Please respect me enough not to ask again."

And if he asks again, I'd leave him over lack of respect.

This. Do it now before your dc is older and finds the split harder.

I see it a bit differently.

I think you're both equally at fault in the current situation.

The sometimes irrational longing for a child can arise out of nowhere suddenly and appears to be something people sympathise with when women express that sudden desperate longing. Not so much men. As some of the responses demonstrate.

You say he should leave. But you also say: "I feel like it’s on him to leave me, I’m happy and content in the relationship, why would I end it?!"

So you are happy and content to have a partner give up something huge to be with you. That is selfish too. Yes you say you'd be content for him to leave but I don't truly believe you. If he is not strong enough to leave you, because he loves you, end it yourself. Do it as soon as possible so he has time to find someone else, establish a relationship and have a child. He is probably trapped in his feelings for you and finds it hard to let go.

Right now you are having your cake 'a good (though is it good when a person has to give up something as massive as children) relationship' and eating it. You are essentially doing the same thing men do who refuse to get married to their partner when their partner wants the security and telling them it's all on them to tear their family apart and leave while changing nothing and being happy to continue reaping the benefits of the good parts of the relationship playing happy families.

I find it interesting that some posters have described your partner as 'not being nice' for making comments about children. But I don't think ignoring a partners deeply held wish in order to keep them in your life is nice either. I do get that the situation changed and you were upfront. But surely you must of known that the urge to have kids is very unpredictable in both directions.

I feel like it’s on him to leave me, I’m happy and content in the relationship, why would I end it?!..

Agreed, but you also need to consider that he might decide to leave in a year or 5 years due to this issue (what age are you?) and then you might wish you had ended it sooner so that you could have found someone that you were compatible in the long term with.

Happy or not I wouldn't feel secure in a relationship where I knew that we wanted different things long term so I would seriously be considering ending it if it were me.

OP break up, he is not respecting your decision.
Well done for being clear.
There is nothing sadder than reading on MN women having babies for partners after a huge gap and the relationship breaking up within a year.
The women being left to raise babies when they were out the gap of the really dependent stage.
Stick to your guns and tell him move on.
Better for you and your child, YOU are wasting your time with him.

You want different things….the relationship doesn’t have a future…no one’s fault

Rather than just break up, both need to work out how important this is for you and if it is a deal breaker. Sounds like for you it is.

Its the same with any relationship - it is extremely unlikely that the other person will be your perfect person will tick every box:

Looks/height/weight
Career
Kids (want/dont want)
Kids (have, do you like them)
Finances
Chemistry
Morals & values
Homelife
Family
Friends
Along with loads of other things like sex drive, hobbies etc...

For most people you do have to compromise on some of these and its the extent which is important. If everything else adds up, does not having a child break the relationship or is that more important than everything else? i.e. would the OP partner be happier with someone with less chemistry, not at the OP level in terms of looks, Homelife etc... but does want a child?

Women that want marriage, that stay with men that have told them plainly that they don’t want marriage , are also at ‘fault’ for their own unhappiness. They, like OP’s partner, are not without agency and are free to leave if they so wish.

OP’s DP knows that OP isn’t willing to have any more children, and has chosen to stay. He’s a grown man that’s capable of making his own decisions, OP isn’t obliged to ‘save him from himself’.

Yes we have agency for our own wellbeing, I agree, but it comes down to power dynamics also.

The OP knows full well that her DP would find it hard to leave and is relying on that fact to maintain her side of 'happy and content.' Saying to someone expressing a legitimate longing 'take it or leave it' isn't constructive.

The OP is happy to maintain an illusion as long she gets what she wants also.

I would have a trial break. That way, it's not a complete sudden 'break up' which is scary, but it allows distance and real space to experience being separate and time to truly consider options. That is constructive and an example of truly allowing one partner space to make a difficult life decision cooperatively.

Not sure why you think the power dynamic is in the OPs favour.

She knows he'd find it hard to leave, presumably he also knows that she'd find it hard to leave also seeing as she's happy and content?

The ‘power dynamics’ of two independent individuals that are as free to leave the relationship as they were to enter it?

It’s absolutely constructive! OP is treating him as the adult he is and respecting the decision he’s made. She hasn’t tricked him or strung him along - she’s been very clear from the start. If staying with her and not having his own child is a decision that is making him unhappy then that is entirely on him. That breaking up is a hard decision doesn’t mean it isn’t his responsibility to make it, if indeed it is what he wants. He may genuinely rather deal with unhappiness about not having a child, than unhappiness at losing OP.

I guess I see the power as being in the OP's favour because he doesn't mention leaving her when the issue comes up, but she responds with the 'leave then.' suggesting him leaving wouldn't be so hard for her.

Realistically in practice that's a hard thing to suddenly do and a trial time apart would enable both to truly consider uncoupling over the issue.

That's a big assumption you made, and she doesn't respond 'leave then'. She said when he brings it up she tells him that I love him very much and although I’d be upset to lose him, I’d understand if he wants to separate so he can move on with someone who would give him a baby.

She is telling him that a baby is not going to happen, what is she meant to do beg and cry and get very distressed and tell him that she won't be having another baby but she doesn't want him to leave her?

I don't see any power balance in the OPs favour.

I'm willing to see your viewpoint. You make a point there.

But either way, I don't see it as good to carry on being with someone when something as huge a childlessness is an issue for them. If they're not actively and explicitly telling you it's not an issue for them when the subject comes up, and are expressing longing, it's not fair to continue the status quo because you feel contented.

Even assuming they stay out of love and drop the issue out of fear of losing you, it's a massive thing to require someone to sacrifice. Of course, vice versa too! Asking someone to have a child who doesn't want it is a massive thing.

You’ve done it before, you know what’s involved and you have made your choice clear. You’ve done all the right things and had the right conversations. I also wouldn’t have another kid for a guy. Since he however doesn’t seem like he wants I’ll finish the relationship but rather things you’ll give in, I would consider ending it. You can find someone that’s on the same page as you and so can he.