Anyone else in a loveless marriage?

[Prontehpronto]

Is this OK if you have a comfortable life?what's your story?

Me. But it’s not like I have an alternative. I have a disability so I can’t earn enough to take DC and live on our own.

Anyway it’s not like I’m missing out by being tied to DH. Firstly there aren’t many good 40-50 ish men on the market, and secondly the ones that are decent certainly aren’t going to be interested in me. I’m perimenopausal and disabled with a disabled child and I don’t have a good job or friends, so I don’t exactly have a queue of men waiting for me to be single. It’s not like I’m missing out on love by staying married.

Do you mean no love or no sex. My marriage has been crumbling for almost two years. There was never much sex, now there’s none. Love… Yeah, but it’s not enough. My DH is hard work. I’ve tried my best. I don’t want to grow old with him. I don’t even want to go on holiday with him. I just want peace.

@BananaLamah I hear you see lots of posts on here saying to get out if that's the case if there's no love bit sometimes you need to stay and that's ok isn't it,doesn't make us less worthy as human beings, maybe love just fades and becomes something else, that's ok I reckon?

Remember the grass is always greener. Fresh sex and more problems! Be warned.
Settling/sharing/companionship; is that not a form of love?

@Gowlett both I think, I don't feel attracted to him don't really have common interests, don't do anything together, sounds like an old fashioned marriage lol 😆 we've been together 15 years. I don't really want to grow old with him.eithet maybe but do I really want to be by myself???

@Despair1 I think you might be right, maybe our love has just changed... thanks for your insight

Well, sort of. I dont know what love is anymore. Husband is difficult, gets verbally abusive when we fight, but when we dont hes fine. Hes also hardworking and renovates our cottage and our house which is helpful to save money. He made efforts to improve, but he will never be like those kind mature men that some women describe when talk about their husbands.

Im not miserable. We do have a sex life, theres affection when we dont fight. If I was younger and didnt have kids, I would look for something better, because I know there is better. But I dont want to uproot the kids and complicate my life with shared custody (hes not a hands on father, so I would be worried about our young son). Im in my 40s, look good and in theory could find someone good now as well, but I dont feel that I have to sacrifice my children for love and complications with custody.

So Im doing my best to make the relationship as comfortable as I can. Unfortunately, husband is not mature enough for therapy (tried Dr Phil's audiobook, really excellent) but it doesnt sink in for him. Maybe it could help you. It is possible to reignite the fire if both people want. Mine has other priorities.

Who knows what the future will bring...

@Anuta77 my hubby also gets quite abusive if i bring anything up. I think the best we can do for now is just try to make a life for ourselves, be cordial and polite with them, focus on kids, career, friends (I'm making an active effort to try to connect and suggest meals out with mums I know), I'm trying to exercise and might take up a club or class. I think our other halves prob have issues that we can't help with so I'm going to focus on myself, love and hugs to you xx

I don't think it's OK. I'm getting divorced. Worked hard to rebuild my career so I can be independent. It was a very hard decision though and took me a couple of years to get to this point. No easy answers.

@Goldenmemories thank you for sharing, you're very brave and an inspiration, wish you love and happiness xx

@Prontehpronto thank you. I was very worried about telling the children but they are actually more settled now they know. We are taking them away separately this summer so they get two holidays. It is what it is. Hope you're OK.

Seperated 11 years. Love my freedom. I think all men are inherently selfish... Thank you patriarchy. I doubt I ll ever be in a LTR again, I don't need one, I have my teenage children and have learned how to live life independently, travel alone etc.

However, I would caution women, that as a single woman : employers/crap managers sometimes think you are beholden to them because they know you have no safety net.

You need to be able to earn a lot, you need to fund a household, pay for all maintenance, run a car, get a new washing machine if the old one breaks down. It's relentless. You need your own pension.

Most men want their privilege, and think they are a better catch than they actually are. Don't expect to replace the outgoing hubby with someone better, it's unlikely to happen. Average men can say rude things about your life commitments. You have to constantly value yourself, in a world that thinks women need to be coupled up, and it's sad if you are not. Those people are draining.

Only finish up the stale but not abusive marriage to be single, and then only if you can afford it.

If you are overall moderately happy, then you are not doing too badly.

@CreationNat1on thanks for your sage words and perspective, so true on so many levels xx

I met someone amazing after divorce - it was real love, more than I had from my wife by a long way - certainly in the last 10-15 years. It really opened my eyes.

However, at late 40s/50s life is more complex and there were times when I just missed the 'safety' of a marriage. Someone being around all the time, someone that would be there for you if you got ill or needed help (even silly things like getting picked up from garage when dropping car off), cooking for someone, days out, just not being lonely on the nights with no GF or kids.

Then when you date again, it's tougher. People this age are not looking for that dream most have on 20s of settling down, moving in etc... we have kids which is stuff to juggle and more demanding jobs sometimes. Maybe the other person has been single a while so is keen to stay quite independent.

So from pure passion, excitement and the amazing highs, get out of a boring marriage, but if you want that companionship then they are not so bad.

I think a HUGE proportion of people who can't afford to run a house on one salary are in loveless marriages to be honest.

And thats Ok. It's when one partner becomes abusive and the other partner has no way out that it becomes a problem.

Here for solidarity . My DH is a good man and a good dad but preoccupied with work and absent 95 per cent of the time - physically and emotionally.
I have learnt to disconnect and do my own thing.
it’s not what I ever wanted my marriage to look like - but he has no time for therapy or self reflection of any kind or changing or listening to what is wrong so we just carry on.
maybe we will reconnect when kids are older and have moved out - or we will be even further apart. Who knows. I hope the former.
leaving would be a big upheaval that neither have the energy or money for - and as other have said - men of 40/50 year olds are not a great pool to be swimming in.
id rather be on my own then sign up to another man.

This is such a sad thread.

I left a loveless mariage at 43. Yes kids were involved and we'd been together 22 years. I am single, but have had dates. My life is so much richer and happier now, even without a man. Yes I would like to be in a relationship, but I'm now sure and certain that I would far rather be single than trapped in a convenient but loveless mariage. I refuse to have a mediocre "oh well it'll do" life. We get one life, I'm going to live it to the full.

Thanks for your interesting perspective, I hear you that companionship is maybe worth as much as the excitement of a new relationship

I think a relationship without much emotion is ok if it's respectful .
Things can tick along while you're busy raising a family and working.
But what will it be like when you're both retired ?

Yes, think we can muddle along with each other as our kids are young, I'm working on my interests and hobbies so I have something to occupy myself as I get older and kids have their own lives, hubby likes golf, his phone and whiskey lol so we will prob carry on on our separate paths as we grow older as we are now but there will still be a base and home for the boys as they grow xx

I thought it was enough for a long time but we drifted so far apart that we had absolutely nothing in common anymore, other than our house and grown up children (we're mid 60's). He spent all his spare time and attention on his hobby. Literally only saw each other over dinner in the evenings. Then something happened which demonstrated just how low I was on his list of priorities and I was done, much to his astonishment. Moved out into rented house 2 months ago, lots of finances to sort out but I'm financially independent thank god so will be OK. I'm looking forward to buying my own place and making the most of my time left not being treated as part of the furniture.

My BILs are interesting (childhood trauma). And their wives.

One is a fully paid up Grumpy Old Man. She was his OW.
She’s still there because he’s very rich. They’re sons are grown-up now, and both seem a lot like their dad…

The other is a controlling narc, bad compulsive liar.
She’s been with him since they were teens, and she’s beaten down now. Like a ghost. He gives their son massive flack.

Other BIL is a lovely man. His missus runs the show at home.
Their daughters are fabulous, well-adjusted young women.

So, this is why I’m thinking of my child first.

I totally understand the custody thing though, and it’s what’s stopped me before.
I know my DH would be languish in a bedsit, while I know I’d flourish (even though it would be hard).

It’s not easy to call it, at all…

This is my strategy too, I'm last on my husband's list of priorities and working to make a life outside our marriage. I don't feel it's bad enough to go through divorce and custody battles though, I can't bear the thought of only seeing my children only 50% of the time - though he's being an utter arsed this week and it's getting tempting 😁

We’re not even married yet and have no children but this is exactly how I feel. But like PP have said, is the grass greener? I’m reaching that age in life where I have to choose a partner if I want a family and sometimes feels like it’s best to suck it up but then again I don’t know if I want this man to father my children either.

If you dont have children and its bad, how are you going to feel when youre pregnant or postpartum and need his support? Without children I would get out. There are good men out there. I simply dont want to disrupt my kids and I dont have a big family or involved friends for support. Otherwise I would have left.