Anyone else in a loveless marriage?

[Prontehpronto]

Is this OK if you have a comfortable life?what's your story?

I know people sometimes find love in their 50s and more, so I dont think Ill stay until the end. Im just waiting for our son to be older and to improuve my financial situation. If he does not make serious effort to work on himself, I will leave.

P.S. Mine also loves his phone. To paraphrase the famous book: never without my phone!

I'm mid 50s with 3 adult children who all live at home. DH is emotionally detached. His specialist interest is work, he is either working or talking about work. He has no hobbies

I lead a separate life

I will also add that I told my kids' dad I didn't love him after trying marriage counselling and we did try to rub along together for a few months but it just made me so incredibly sad I couldn't continue with it. It was damaging everyone's mental health. I was always very scared of divorce, managing on my own, selling this house, buying my own house alone but the prospect of living together for another 10 years became more scary. I didn't like living a lie 😕 I feel positive about the future now. Every situation is different though

Oh my God don’t marry!

Nothing will fill your heart with more pain that the guilt of picking the wrong man to be a Father to your children.

And if things aren’t great between you now, the pressure of having kids will tear you wide apart.

Like a pp my dh is also hard work and it has caused a lot of resentment over the years, our finances and family situation would have made a break up very complicated. Now that we are older things are more amicable between us and while there is no intimacy or affection we will probably stick together at this stage.

@Anuta77 I was 19 when my parents split up and I still found that harrowing. There's just no easy answer or time.

I don't have any advice as our marriage is just languishing. We barely speak, not much in common and very different outlooks. I can't bear the thought of losing my kids 50% of the time. Plus they'd be worse off imo as they'd be with him without me jollying everything along.

I'm trying to forge my own happiness outside of the marriage. Kids, clubs, diet, and exercise, work, causes, podcasts, friends.
It's exhausting though as just trying to block out his negativity is draining in itself.

I've tried to make things better for him and us but he's not able to get on board for whatever reason. I try not to feel sorry for myself whilst feeling very sorry for myself. If I thought my friend or daughter was living like this I'd be gutted for them.

Yes, me.

He’s dependable, hard working, loyal, responsible. But there’s zero passion, no romance and I honestly cannot remember the last time he made a move to even hold my hand let alone try anything else. Our 2 children are very small, I can’t bring myself to break up the family just because of sex/romance. It’s not actually unhappy, we have interesting conversations and I find him nice company, but there’s just no passion.

I’m in my early 30s and the thought of never being desired again makes me feel so flat/sad.

Can I ask those of you who feel that there's no love but enough reasons to stay married, do you sleep in the same bed? Or do you adjust your living spaces accordingly?

Genuine question.

We've had separate beds for years but shared a room because there was no other option. Now that our adult children have moved out we will have separate rooms. I also feel a freedom that they have gone and if things get to the point of misery I will end the marriage.

Me 👋🏻

We have primary aged children and a mortgage. Not married but I don't think that's relevant.

He had a health scare and then a breakdown (I used to hate that word but it feels apt) 6 months off sick from work where every day I would dread coming home from my stressful job just to be told how awful he felt. He did some therapy and has tried to be slightly more active but he continues to hate his job and struggle with stress/anxiety.

His short fuse with our children really upsets me at times. He is also very loving and clearly cares for them, does more school runs and pick ups than me etc but I worry that the children don't know where they are with him because he can fly off the handle so easily in response to verrrrry normal small-kid-big-emotion driven behaviour.

We haven't had sex in years, I gave up trying last November. We rarely had any intimacy anyway and I just about tolerated that but this is next level and I don't know how much longer I can live in an environment where I don't feel loved or wanted.

I'm in a very lonely and sad marriage too. But like many previous posters couldn't afford to run a home by myself nor do i want to only see my children 50% of the time. I have a full life with friends, sports, interests, my job, study. The only thing he has is work. So i try to focus on the things that are good in my life but it's hard not to feel sad sometimes.

I think that's the key. You forge your own life at create your own bubble of interest and happiness.

I find that I have to be the driver to keep things on an even keel. I find that fucking exhausting tiring.

I would say though that if hes draining you, then I would be leaning towards separation. Its very unhealthy for you and the children. My parents didnt love each other and pretty much lead separate lives and I always knew it, so when they separated (I was 14), it wasnt a surprise and I understood it. I also think that watching my parents barely interact and sleep in separate rooms increased my tolerance towards mediocre relationships. I only recently started raising my standards and by doing that, the husband is improuving, so the relationship is better. But we had moments when it was bad and I was ready to leave. Best of luck to you!

We mainly sleep separately. It started with him sleeping in the guest room when we had fights (which was happening often). Also our young son always wanted to sleep with me and it was uncomfortable. Then, Im also a light sleeper and he sometimes snores and even if were doing ok, he didnt want to disturb me. And lastly, Im a night owl and hes an early riser, so we dont even go to sleep at the same time. So with all this, we just got used to sleeping separately. We only sleep together when his daughter comes over (twice per month) and he has nowhere else to sleep. But in those rare times, its sometimes nice. We do have some s*x life despite sleeping separately.

I think far more than would admit it just muddle along in life. I'm not convinced of the whole 'he/she is my soul mate' stuff. After initial attraction goes, it becomes mutual apathy.
I get on with my own life, I've encouraged DH to find things to occupy himself, he prefers to sit staring blindly at the TV, descending into old age. dementia I've made it clear I refuse to join him.
Neither of us could afford to leave, rent elsewhere, without it being house share type, and I'm not doing that either of us at our age. So muddle along it is.

I was once there but I didn’t stay on. I could have easily stayed on as he is a high earner, good life and we have 2 kids who are now 20 and 17. I’m 43.
I was not happy. I was going to stay on and enjoy the good life, holidays etc but I chose my freedom, I chose romance and passion which I haven’t quite found long term but I know it’s out there for me.
I just couldn’t imagine myself living that way for the rest of my life. He was also 10+ years older, so while I still had lots of energy to try new things, seek new adventures, he wasn’t having it.

I did a lot to excel in my career and though life then was great as per material stuff, I feel a sense of empowerment branching out on my own, building myself up, and having the romance and passion albeit intermittently.