Opooo I think I'm finally learning....

[helenabees]

So just chatting to someone from online dating for a couple of weeks. Have yet to meet....can safely say we won't be. We did have it pencilled in for this weekend though.

The conversation this evening has got quite deep. The subject of narcissists came up - my favourite subject since finally leaving my abusive ex husband.

Anyway, I made this person aware that I was very aware of narcissistic traits etc without going into to too much detail but I did say I was with an abusive person for 7 years and that I've been in therapy for 3 years since.

No empathy from the dude im chatting too. I wouldn't necessarily expect any. However instead, he tells me how he has experienced it too and that we have so much in common 😬

Then he tells me that he has been called narcissistic before by an ex but actually he isn't. He can promise me. He's looked into it and he isn't one. He will say what he thinks and has a straight forward approach....but he's 'matured'

He then sends me a long essay about how he isn't narcissistic....completely ignoring the previous message I sent him. Then another 5 messages after that - it seems to have hit a sore spot with him.

He then tells me he has made many mistakes but he has 'grown up'....all whilst again, ignoring my previous reply.

Looking back at messages....I can see how he pretty much has ignored most things I've said in messages and focuses on himself rather than asking me questions.

Then admitted he's had 3 failed relationships since the relationship with the mother of his children ended....which was all her fault by the way. She is toxic. He didn't know why he stayed with her for so long. The kids are starting to see her for who she really is etc etc.

If I hadn't learnt and put in so much work about abuse, narcissists....trauma bonding etc, I can safely say I would have gone on a date with this guy as he is quite charming. But it's a no from me. This is exactly why I won't go on a date with anyone without chatting to them for a while first.

Just thought I'd share. Also feel fed to tell me if you think I've got it wrong too!

Well played OP.

I feel like you’ve been talking to me ex 😂

To be honest, he very likely isn't a narcissist, although that doesn't make him a nice person.

NPD affects between 1% and 5% of the population.

Yet the word is bandied about and assigned to anyone who's a bit up their own arse.

It's starting to lose its real meaning, like 'anxiety' and 'bullying'.

You're right to scrutinise any future dates though, and make sure they're right for you.

@JustWondering2024 I couldnt agree more. It's used far too commonly and doesnt help as it just dilutes the meaning.

Oh I'm not saying he is a narcissist - honestly I've done my research on them and I know the term is being thrown around here, there and everywhere these days.

Although I do think the ratio is probably much higher.

Something is off with this guy regardless though. I think he might see me as a challenge to be honest. To see if he can break me. He seemed absolutely desperate to prove he was a good person..... and usually they are the worst people!

I’m not sure deep topics like that are best broached without actually meeting over text or WhatsApp…..

I've never done online dating but given how many potentially abusive men there are on those apps, is it wise to tell them you've been in therapy for 3 years?

Those sort of men actively seek women who have been previous victims.

I wouldn't open up about that until I was in a relationship where I completely trusted the man.

My ex called me a narcissist all the time…. I went to therapy to try a cure myself… turns out I was not a narcissist and he was a nasty man….

i agree that this is a very tricky thing to discuss… I feel so uncomfortable when people talk about narcissism and secretly still worry…. I bet if a man chatted to me online about it I would sound demented…

Anyone who justifies themselves like this...is exactly what they say they aren't. Eg 'you can tell me anything, I won't tell anyone,' always means I'm telling everybody within a 10 mile radius asap. He's telling you who he is.

To be honest, I didn't start it, it was him.

And I disagree because it's now saved me some time, money and a crappy date which im 100% sure would have revolved around him. So I'm glad he brought it up. And I'm glad I was able to spot the signs of someone who I know won't be suited to me. Hard work is paying off!

Christ, is this normal chat in dating these days? It used to be bad form to go on about past relationships. It’s a bit devoid of romance, mystery and fun if the main topic is pop psychology.

Are you sure you’re ready to date OP?

Like I said previously....he brought it up. The minute he did, I knew what I was going to say. That I know about this stuff. He didn't like it - that's why he sent me a long essay and god knows how many messages after that.

As I've said, it saved me a potentially awful date! I wouldn't ever bring this up with messaging someone but as he brought it up, alarm bells started ringing. Put it to the test and he failed

TBH, any deep and meaningful texts via text with someone you have never met have the potential to uncover all sorts of things that will deter you from meeting them.

You cant blame this guy for banging on about himself. OLD is basically advertising yourself, thats the whole point of it. It's a marketing tool to get laid/meet a partner etc. Yes he could have asked more about you, but there's plenty people who arent comfortable being asked lots of personal stuff over text, plus it leaves little intrigue for the actual date. Him saying his ex was toxic isnt exactly good though, but again maybe he was trying to build solidarity.

And you may text a guy who says all the right things as he knows how to play the game better but you still get your fingers burnt. It's a minefield really and always will be especially when you're dealing with other peoples cast offs.

lol he brought it up, not me! The minute he brought it up I knew he was a walking red flag.

I don't see what the problem is. I said I didn't go into too much detail - literally that I've been with someone for a long time who was abusive BUT let them know I've done the work - I won't fall for any crap any man gives me.

The end. Rather end it now before going on any date that in this case would be a complete waste of time and potentially dangerous!

Oh I agree with you there. It's a minefield. And I am way to picky now - which may mean I'll be single forever which im more than comfortable with to be honest.

But me and this guy have been message to and fro for a couple of weeks - not continuously. But something definitely triggered him in a subject that he brought up. He could be absolutely fine but it's not worth the risk for me in this guy.

He lives an hour away and has been hinting at me to travel to him too. He just seems quite self absorbed really and just not for me.

Don’t forget to block him too! Nicely done OP!!!

Ex wife said that about me too. Kept banding that and gaslighting etc. all the time.

looking back it was probably her deflecting. Kept saying “you never do this” and I would normally have a few examples when I did.

but then I find emotional abuse does too. Both of us would give the other silent treatment for a day or so in an argument. But for me that’s just arguing and cooling off.

op, he probably is just poor at communicating and it still touches a nerve with me when I hear such terms.

He brought it up? In what context?

He was talking about what he hates in the world these days. He said narcissistic people.

I then replied with that I had been in an abusive relationship and had years of therapy and know a lot about those types of people and that I wasn't a fan of them either....as a joke. However his previous message didn't sit right with me at all. The way he worded it.

Then he blew up my phone with an essay and 5 messages after that.

I've actually just found him on social media as decided to do a bit of digging incase I am wrong about him. He told me he doesn't smoke, he hates it as do I. His profile picture shows different on Facebook on an evening out with friends.

He's just not for me. But I am glad I didn't meet him!

You said narcissism is your favourite topic. That’s why I wonder if you’re in a healthy place to meet someone.

And he might have brought it up, though you haven’t said how, you didn’t need to engage with it heavily.

I’m pleased you’re pleased at having avoided a bad night, that’s great. But the rest of it, it just sounds awkward and glum.

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Well just be careful divulging that sort of information to strangers.

Just because he brought it up, doesn't mean you have to tell him you've been in therapy for years.

Some abusive men actively seek women who have been abused.

This guy was obvious, the next one might not be.

Op, well done on spotting the many many red flags. this man screams narcissistic behaviour traits. Out of interest, how old is he? Because I think that as they8 get older and they lose more and more people they get more frantic and suffer more easily from narcissistic collapse.

@JustWondering2024 i’m always a bit bemused by people saying narcissism is just 1% of the population like it’s nothing…. That’s actually a LOT of people when you consider the size of the population. And narcissistic traits are likely to be far more prevalent.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser if you've been on MN a while you'll know that the word is scattered about like confetti.

As a PP said, it detracts from the seriousness of it.

That's not to say the guy isn't an arsehole though. The OP is well rid of him.