Opooo I think I'm finally learning....

[helenabees]

So just chatting to someone from online dating for a couple of weeks. Have yet to meet....can safely say we won't be. We did have it pencilled in for this weekend though.

The conversation this evening has got quite deep. The subject of narcissists came up - my favourite subject since finally leaving my abusive ex husband.

Anyway, I made this person aware that I was very aware of narcissistic traits etc without going into to too much detail but I did say I was with an abusive person for 7 years and that I've been in therapy for 3 years since.

No empathy from the dude im chatting too. I wouldn't necessarily expect any. However instead, he tells me how he has experienced it too and that we have so much in common 😬

Then he tells me that he has been called narcissistic before by an ex but actually he isn't. He can promise me. He's looked into it and he isn't one. He will say what he thinks and has a straight forward approach....but he's 'matured'

He then sends me a long essay about how he isn't narcissistic....completely ignoring the previous message I sent him. Then another 5 messages after that - it seems to have hit a sore spot with him.

He then tells me he has made many mistakes but he has 'grown up'....all whilst again, ignoring my previous reply.

Looking back at messages....I can see how he pretty much has ignored most things I've said in messages and focuses on himself rather than asking me questions.

Then admitted he's had 3 failed relationships since the relationship with the mother of his children ended....which was all her fault by the way. She is toxic. He didn't know why he stayed with her for so long. The kids are starting to see her for who she really is etc etc.

If I hadn't learnt and put in so much work about abuse, narcissists....trauma bonding etc, I can safely say I would have gone on a date with this guy as he is quite charming. But it's a no from me. This is exactly why I won't go on a date with anyone without chatting to them for a while first.

Just thought I'd share. Also feel fed to tell me if you think I've got it wrong too!

lol it's lighthearted! I had no idea about narcissism until I ended up in therapy and it opened my eyes. I find it fascinating. I can look about at my marriage now and see how unhealthy it was.

There's nothing wrong with being careful. I do think I'm ready to date but I'll do it how I am comfortable doing jt. And that is chatting to someone first before meeting. It's doing me good believer it or not.

I'm glad I am able to spot something I feel uncomfortable with and actually listen to myself. Then to be able to say 'it's not right for me but wish you all the best'

This is HUGE progress for me - as someone who has spent years and years people pleasing. And to not feel guilty is pretty amazing.

When I went back to online dating I made a list of what I wanted like good family good job etc

But another was that we don't stay talking longer than a week before asking on a date.

I was on it for six weeks and my bf asked me out in day four

It’s not really important in the bigger scheme of things, but by the same argument @JustWondering2024, reading mn you would think the vast bulk of men are abusive. Sites like MN have a huge number of users (millions) but the bulk of posts about relationships are not about happy stable ones. I think with 1% of the population it is not weird that we see a relatively high number on here. In real life, I have only met 2 people I am absolutely certain are narcissists. But that doesn’t mean I think the signs of narcissitcs on mn are over stated.

Fair enough @IdLikeToBeAFraser we disagree 🤷‍♂️

I don't think overusing words is helpful but if others do, that's their right.

He's mid 40's. I'm late thirties.

In one of his many messages to me, he said he had relationships since ending with mother of his kids but he didn't cheat on any of them. Why even bring that up? He said he better. He had made mistakes but he had grown. That screams out his cheated on the mother of his children to me.

His youngest is only 7 also and he said he had 3 relationships since. I don't know how long he's been separated from the mother of his kids though.

He said he was too old for mind games and he will just tell people straight up how he feels....'communication is key'.

Just bonkers to me. Way too deep and a strong need to defend himself over a topic that he brought up in the first place.

His online dating pictures I can now see are also over 4 years old!

It's definitely slim pickings out there!

Yup. Obviously too little here to say but this guy has a lot of red flags. It’s always good when people learn from their previous experiences. Well done.

There is a guy called mental healness on YouTube. Lee Hammock is his name. He is a diagnosed narcissist and gives amazing insight into how their minds work.

He says the population of narcissists is way higher than 1%. You very rarely get a diagnosed narcissist because to them, they are not the problem. You would hardly ever find a narc in therapy that actually sticks to it.

However even if it was only 1% of the population, that's still millions and millions of people.

Plus narcissists traits are everywhere.

I look out for traits in people that make me uncomfortable - like this guy. He might not be a narc but I don't wish to even explore that any further lol.

He says the population of narcissists is way higher than 1%. You very rarely get a diagnosed narcissist because to them, they are not the problem. You would hardly ever find a narc in therapy that actually sticks to it.

Yup. But the traits are so consistent. Ours genuinely believes, for example, that he never starts arguments. Notwithstanding us all seeing him start them over and over agan. It would be funny if it wasn’t so damaging.

Oh I've been there - I'm sorry. It's good that you can see it and recognise it. The mind games and gas lighting that comes from these people is something else.

It's extremely damaging as you say and completely exhausting.

I believe my ex husband is a true narcissist. He's in that tiny percentage. Since separation, he only got worse. He did therapy in a desperate attempt to try salvage our marriage and claimed his therapist said he would be fixed in '8 weeks'. He only had 4 weeks worth of therapy and then quit.

They don't change.