Flirty texts to another woman

[Dontknowwhattothink2]

My partner and I have been together nearly 10 years…
Found out today that he’s been flirting with a woman that he’s known since school.
I knew they spoke previously but was assured they were just friends.
By his admission she was sometimes flirty but he told me it was only ever a one-way thing.
They had apparently not spoken for a while.
He asked me to fill out a form on his phone today and to save it for him so I was shocked to see her name come up on ‘recently contacted’ people.
I immediately asked him and he said ‘oh she messaged me the other week to tell me she was having an operation soon’
I asked to see the messages and he asked why so I explained that, because she had been flirty in the past, I wanted to see.
He said no - followed by ‘they are flirty back and I don’t want you to be upset by it because it means nothing’
He’s shown me them now. He’s also said he’s been chatting to her on and off since mid June but the messages only started on WhatsApp on 18th July. Apparently they were talking on TikTok but he closed that account a week ago (when the WhatsApp conversation started) so I haven’t seen any of those.
He’s asked what he can do to make it better and has shown me that he’s blocked her but I honestly don’t know what to think or do now. Any advice?

It doesn’t sound like he’s actually done anything with her but he’s crossed the boundaries and that’s tough.
You just have to make clear that this is unacceptable and while not cheating- shows lack of respect to you and the relationship.
he’s prob having a mid life crisis or something…find him a hobby

Were they forgivable is the question here? Like a bit flirty but no real intent (which would obviously require some serious conversation and getting over but may not be fatal) or was it a full blown emotional affair or discussion of a physical affair?

Only you know whether what they said crosses your boundary, but stay true to your decision and don’t be afraid to leave if you feel the trust is gone.

Only you know whether what they said crosses your boundary

I agree. "Flirty" covers a very wide range, and individual ideas of what is and isn't acceptable also cover a wide range.
My threshold for when it becomes unacceptable would probably be pretty low, but that doesn't mean I'm right and anyone with a different boundary is wrong.

When they used to speak in the past he said she was flirty with him. So he obviously didn't close her down then. Even if he wasn't flirty back- and you don't really know whether this is true or not - if he didn't tell her it was inappropriate then he was encouraging her.

So when they restarted messaging he kept it secret from you. Which is not good. What other things has he been keeping from you?

If he didn't want to show you the messages incase they upset you then they must have been quite intimate messages. But if you have seen them then you will know how unacceptable they were or weren't.

I think I would lose a lot of trust in him over this. He was being disrespectful to you and he knew he was otherwise it wouldn't have been a secret from you. You don't know how this relationship would have developed if you hadn't uncovered it.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

@Dontknowwhattothink2, they’ve been enjoying a mutual flirtation, and chances are it was never one-sided. He lied to you about that early on because he didn’t want to give up her attention and flattery.

Can you elaborate about the content of these messages? Can any of the previous messages be retrieved?

I wouldn’t tolerate my H opening a window to an OW and investing in an attraction and ego massages like a single guy. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship because I won’t be made a fool of.

@Twistybranch I am fairly certain there is nothing physical going on. I know they met up once in December (he told me at the time) but as far as I’m aware they’ve not seen each other since.
They met ‘as friends’ for a catch up. At the time I believed that but now I’m doubting it.

@Lmnop22 the ones I saw were ‘mild’ I would say - more jokey than full on or suggestive of anything more but they are only from the past week.
No idea what the others say (although because he’s got rid of the account I can only assume they were worse perhaps?)

It's crossing a line for me. Flirty messaging whilst in a relationship with me is not acceptable to me. I wouldn't tolerate it and would see it as a precursor to their future intensions.

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace The ones I’ve seen were more jokey I would say, but it’s caused doubt over the others that I haven’t seen.

Well yes. The fact he said he knew they would upset you would indicate that.

That's the thing isn't it ? He knew he was crossing a line in your relationship. That his behaviour was disrespectful to you. But he did it anyway.

Ooo I would be really upset at this. I had been in similar situation - nothing going on but unhappy at the way a friendship was handled. It just leaves you very uncomfortable I think.

@BloominHeather exactly. It’s made me doubt their previous interactions and has made me lose trust

He's already thinking that the grass is greener on the other side so it won't be long before he's jumping the gate.

@MsDogLady because he was quite open (or so I thought) about their previous messages I had little reason to doubt that they were one-sided but now of course I feel differently.
The ones I’ve seen are jokey but are only from the last week and he knew they would hurt me so, chances are, the others could be similar or worse.
He says he deleted the account (don’t know why) so doubt I’ll ever see the others.

The fact he said he wouldn't show you the texts because he knew they'd upset you says it all. I'd be really annoyed and wondering if I had the full story.

As other posters are saying, he was well aware that he was crossing boundaries via the reciprocated flirting, but nevertheless he engaged. Their playful jokey banter would have been bonding and it was ongoing. It’s ludicrous for him to claim that ‘it meant nothing’ when his continued participation meant he was lapping it up. He clearly weakened his boundaries for this OW, so my trust and respect would be plummeting.

If he admitted that they were flirty back then I would firstly ask him why the hell he is flirting with another woman, what he hopes to achieve from the flirting, why he feels the need to flirt with her, and if he considers it appropriate behaviour considering your views on the matter.
I would then allow him time and space to reflect on all that, by separating from him.

Are you married, own a house, do you have kids together?

There’s a book called ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass- it is worth reading.

Can the former chat be restored? Is the woman in a relationship? Can her partner obtain the previous chat?

I ask if you are married/kids/house because if you are not married, joint owners, joint parents I would walk today.

Poor boundaries and poor character traits - not a person who makes a great life partner. Selling your integrity and trustworthiness for ego kibbles - not attractive.

@KatieCrusoe it’s crossed a line for me too but it’s what I do from here that I’m unsure of.
He’s blocked her but, aside from asking to see his phone all the time, he could easily unblock her and carry on

@ZebraD it definitely has left an uncomfortable feeling. Can I ask what you did? Were you able to move on from it and stay together?

@TheHuntSyndicate this is my worry

@OVienna yes, as soon as he asked why, I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw.
I said he would be fuming if it was the other way around and he agreed.
I explained that I didn’t know what to do from here and he just said well she’s blocked now so that’s all he can do

@MsDogLady they have. All trust I had in him is in question now but I don’t know how to move forward.

@Glennyveeve I intend to speak to him again this evening (he’s working at the moment) to try and get some answers.