Was this grooming?

[ijustneedtokeepbreathing]

I have am finally trying to face up to some painful issues in my life and in my relationships. I've started therapy and am 4 sessions in. It is hard. I am trying to be honest with myself and the therapist. I dread the sessions tbh.

My marriage fell apart nearly a year ago after some awful behaviour on the part of my husband. I wanted help to deal with the consequences of this, which is why I sought therapy.

But other stuff has come up, which has forced me to re-examine some things from my past and their consequences. Shortly after I turned 14, I began what I thought was a relationship with my neighbour. He was mid-30s, married with kids. I had sex with him on and off from aged 14 for about 3 years. We drank together, smoked cigarettes and weed. I enjoyed his company, we talked lots and he listened. He took an interest in me, encouraged me to pursue academic interests, listened to me, was genuinely kind and fun. But ..... Having not really thought about this for years, I am looking at it again and it has come up in therapy.

He groomed me, didn't he?

Yes, I'm sorry OP

Yes he did. You were a child, unable to give consent. None of the details of the situation will change that. He should be in prison.

Well he was a paedo unfortunately.

Does it matter?

Whether or not he groomed you, you were too young to consent. 14 is a child.

Christ are you for real?

Yes he did groom you OP even if it wasn’t a recognised word then. Completely inappropriate and awful and not your fault. He was a grown man in his 30s who should have known better. Disgusting creep.

Thanks for the replies.

It is confusing because at the time I thought I was in control. There was no force or violence. It made me feel interesting and cool that he wanted to spend time with me.

As an adult with a child who is now nearly 13, my perspective is very different. If I knew something like that was happening to my son, I would call the Police in utter horror.

But when it comes to me, I don't trust my own judgement any longer.

@Sisterdeloris I thought I was in control. I had fun. I enjoyed it. But I told no one, so on some level I did know, yes.

If a 14 year old child you cared about came to you and told you what you've just told us, what would your reaction be? What actions would you take? What would you like to say to the adult?

Grooming is a form of manipulation.

An adult man in his 30's is not the intellectual or emotional equal of a 14yo child.

The disparity means that he can with relative ease create a relationship that feels self directed but in practice is nifty button pushing on his part.

It's insidious precisely because the child can't know that there is a cynical intention behind the natural-feeling relationship. They can't know they are a tender prize and while they are just enjoying it at face value, the other party is exploiting their innocence.

So yes, maybe not traumatic at the time, but manipulated for selfish sexual reasons yes.

You were 14 and couldn't have known. You are not to blame.

@Thewaytogohome I would give them a hug and call the police.

I think - and I don't know why - input myself at that age in a different category. A kind of "she knew what she was doing and deserved it category", that I wouldn't apply to anyone else. Possibly because I dislike myself so much (hence the therapy).

@ijustneedtokeepbreathing she definitely needs a hug. And an adult to tell her it's not her fault. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Such good news that you're in therapy and willing to explore things. You're on the right track.

100%. Obviously, you weren't old enough to give informed consent. He knew that.

Awwww, hugs to you @ijustneedtokeepbreathing. Please be kind to yourself.

I think it can be very difficult, from a psychological perspective, to 'reframe' something we have experienced.

At 14, and I remember all too well being a 14 year old girl, we think we are in control, that we know it all etc and that is then a very easy narrative to familiarise ourselves with.

The man that had sex with you was a paedophile. You were not of legal age to give consent and therefore were vulnerable. And the mind can do funny things, even the adolescent, ever evolving one. Perhaps at the time you told yourself you were entirely in control as a defense mechanism (denial) as to what was really happening and yet your subconscious instructed you not to tell a soul.

I am glad you are attending therapy and I hope you have a compassionate and helpful therapist who will help you untangle all of this. Big hugs xx

@CountessWindyBottom thanks. Yes, at 14 I really thought I knew it all and that actually it was cool to have this thing going on with an older guy.

Now the anger is beginning to hit me. Not just at him, also at my parents for not wondering where I was and where I was getting booze from etc.

But yes, I have a kind therapist and am glad I have made a start on all of it.

@CountessWindyBottom completely agree!

I thought I knew everything at 14!! By the age of 20 I wasn't so sure of myself. Life experience changes our perspective.

Op, you absolutely DID NOT deserve this. Whilst you may have thought, at 14 that you knew it all (and my god, didn’t we all think that!) you definitely didn’t. You were young and vulnerable and had the terrible misfortune to run into a predatory, abusive, vile person. That could have happened to any of us. You have no blame and no responsibility in this.

You can trust your judgement because adult you can see that 14 year old you was naive and easily manipulated. You are feeling guilt and responsibility for the behaviour of an adult. His behaviour is not your fault.

If he wanted to be a helpful role model to teenagers he could have participated in any number of volunteer schemes but he chose not to and instead sought one to one time with a 14 year old girl. How many adults do you know who would actually socialise with an unrelated teenager. He knew exactly what he was doing.

You did nothing wrong. A 30 something year old man hanging out with a 14 year old and starting a sexual relationship with her is a predator. It's why the age of consent is 16, the law doesn't consider 14 year olds capable of consent, it's to protect minors from exploitation by adults. Sex between consenting teens, if both are aged 13 - 15, is rarely prosecuted.

I kept a (very detailed) diary at 12/13 and it's painful to look back on how self assured and grown up I thought I was. And I think it's important for you to remember who you were and your 'voice' at 14. That's how you felt at the time and those feelings were real. It's ok to sit with that.

You can then look back and view that 'voice' through an adult gaze. And this will understandably bring up all those feelings and worries and anger and hurt that is perfectly normal to feel.

I'm so glad for you that you have found a good therapist. It's not going to be easy but it will be worthwhile. All I will say is to please please be compassionate to your younger self and to yourself now. None of this was your fault.

@CountessWindyBottom thank you, what you say about my 14 year old "voice" is very helpful.

I'm so glad that you find that helpful 💞

I think the worst thing would be to silence that voice and invalidate what that younger you thought or felt at the time. Validate those feelings and show your younger self kindness and compassion.

It sounds to me like you have enormous capacity for healing.

My gd is 14. If l thought a man over 30 was next or near her l would have him reported to the police immediately. I'm sorry you went through this when you should have been enjoying your early teen years. Having a teenager yourself will have stirred things for you too. Stick with the therapy even though it's extremely tough.

Do you think a married man with kids can be a genuinely nice man when he starts a relationship with a 14 year old girl?