Was this grooming?

[ijustneedtokeepbreathing]

I have am finally trying to face up to some painful issues in my life and in my relationships. I've started therapy and am 4 sessions in. It is hard. I am trying to be honest with myself and the therapist. I dread the sessions tbh.

My marriage fell apart nearly a year ago after some awful behaviour on the part of my husband. I wanted help to deal with the consequences of this, which is why I sought therapy.

But other stuff has come up, which has forced me to re-examine some things from my past and their consequences. Shortly after I turned 14, I began what I thought was a relationship with my neighbour. He was mid-30s, married with kids. I had sex with him on and off from aged 14 for about 3 years. We drank together, smoked cigarettes and weed. I enjoyed his company, we talked lots and he listened. He took an interest in me, encouraged me to pursue academic interests, listened to me, was genuinely kind and fun. But ..... Having not really thought about this for years, I am looking at it again and it has come up in therapy.

He groomed me, didn't he?

@C0rdeliaChase it's not that straight forward when you're in the situation as the 14 year old, or subsequently when you have been the 14 year old, unfortunately. For me, I felt like I was in control. I now know that I wasn't, but the effects of that remain.

This is the very definition of grooming. He made you feel special, in control, enjoying it.
But as a child, you were unable to see the bigger picture. Now, as an adult, you can.
What he did was 100% wrong.
You did nothing wrong, you did not deserve it, and have nothing to blame yourself for.
Hopefully, this therapy will help you to understand all this and to forgive yourself.

This is in the groomer's handbook. 'She came on to me', 'She's so mature for her age' and on and on.

The feelings you've mentioned, i.e. that you enjoyed it and then feeling conflicted about it, are COMPLETELY normal for victims. You might benefit from contacting a sex abuse charity (hopefully someone else can jump in and recommend one?) who will have experience supporting victims.

Best wishes. 💐

The age of consent in this country is 16. What he did was rape you repeatedly. One of the main reasons for having an age of consent is not to protect teenagers from other teenagers but to protect them from predatory adults. That’s what he was. It doesn’t matter that you thought you were cool and in control. It doesn’t matter that this felt voluntary - it was him manipulating and exploiting you. You were only 14 - you didn’t know what you didn’t know. Even if you had a crush on him - a decent man would walk away, not indulge you.

Actually, I think it would be pretty bloody disgusting of him if you had been 16 - all kinds of wrong - but it wouldn’t have been a crime. There are no good reasons for men in their 30s to be having sexual relationships with teenage girls; only bad ones.

This is entirely on him, OP. And it’s not too late if you wanted to report it as a crime. Good luck working through it.

Thank you @MattDamon and @Dery.

Now my eldest DC is approaching the age I was when this started, I reflect and understand this more. For a long time, I simply didn't think about it at all. And I feel so angry - at him, but even more so at my parents and at myself to be honest.

Your parents knew!?!? Then, yes - you should be furious at them!

@dery no, they didn't know. But they also didn't show any interest in us as children and when I got back to the house late at night, visibly drunk and smelling of cigarettes, they never asked where I had been. I would come and go as I pleased. They never asked where I got cigarettes from. When my mum found some weed in my room she never asked me where I got it from, just said she didn't want it in the house again.

They knew something was happening, for sure. Now I am a parent of 3 kids, I cannot see how they couldn't.

Then, when I got pregnant at 15, my mum asked nothing. She told me to get an abortion, arranged it, and said that was the end of it and never to tell anyone I had had an abortion or discuss it again.

Fucking hell, just typing that out makes me feel sick tbh.

It's common for victims at the time they believe they were fully consenting. Look at the accounts of Micheal Jackson's victim. They defended him, they were 'in love' with him.

''It made me feel interesting and cool that he wanted to spend time with me.''

Thats how grooming works. Grooming is a process designed to make you feel like you have a relationship, a special connection. You don't recognise that what is happening is abuse, so you deny there was any.
Your actions afterwards protect your abuser and thats why they use grooming and not force.

It's so difficult to accept. I know all this on an intellectual level, but the rest of me really struggles to acknowledge any of it.

That's a very normal reaction.
Would you recognise grooming if it was happening to another child? Would you step in to protect them?

@Thelnebriati yes, I wouldn't hesitate.

That's how it often happens.

There are quite regular posts on here from women in their 30s onwards asking was something from their past rape or sexual assault or grooming.

No idea what age the OP is but during the 30s seems to be a common age that people start to look back at the past, and/or when they have kids who were the same age as them when it happened, it's often by looking at their own kids that are that age and realising how young they actually are that they start to look back at their own experiences and question them and realise that they were wrong. There can of course be other triggers, but the 'sudden realisation' after never questioning it before is really really common.

You've come out of all of this a better person and a better parent than the people who were parenting you.

@Sisterdeloris
I hadn't read all the OPs posts but I just did and I see that her eldest is now approaching that age, so it is as I expected, that is a huge trigger for this kind of thing. Pushed down and not thought about for years and then it all comes back and it's looked at in a new light!

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Xx

@kkloo I am early 40s. I do think it is relevant that my eldest DC is nearly 14, so very close to the age I was when it started. That is definitely a trigger. So was seeking help from a counsellor about my husband's behaviour, when he was at a truly low point with it.

Op, I hear you. I was sexually abused by an older cousin at 6/ 7 and have had the same feelings. I thought I was in control, it was my fault etc but pps are exactly right. Grooming stuffs with your mind completely. It’s extremely hard to think clearly about the situation.
keep in mind how you would feel if it happened with your children, and you know the truth. These people are evil.

@Blueskies3 I am so sorry that you also went through an experience like this.

Yes it's very relevant. I only saw your update after I'd posted that.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.