Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The past coming back and hurting people

43 replies

momtoboys · 25/07/2024 15:38

I expect to be flogged for this, and I'm sure I deserve it. For 11 years as a young woman I had a very intense relationship with a married man who was 13 years my senior. I was completely besotted. I still consider him the love of my life. I went on to marry a wonderful man and have 5 adultish sons. I have had contact with the other man over the last 26 years because we share the same hobby but it has all been casual and platonic. My husband knows him as well. My husband and I both know the his wife but have had very little interaction.

In the past three years my ex has been diagnosed with early onset alzheimer's and it has gotten progressively worse. Recently he has been asking for a person by my name and as his wife questioned him about it he apparently acts annoyed and has told her "I loved her". She originally thought he was talking about another mutual friend who has the same first name but once she realized he wasn't talking about her she quickly figured it out and has put two and two together. So, now this poor woman is taking care of her husband who is not in his right mind while knowing he had been involved with someone else (although she could have no way of knowing how long or how intense it was). She has told some mutual friends and the story is picking up steam among people we all know. I'm imagining that she will contact/confront me at some point. I deserve everything she can come at me with. I have no excuse and I feel terrible. But this isn't about how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
HughsMermaid · 25/07/2024 15:45

For all his wife knows, it could be someone from his teens. I doubt she'll approach you.

It must be very upsetting to know someone you cared for is really unwell.

momtoboys · 25/07/2024 15:54

Thank you for your kindness. I'm pretty sure that my identity has been verified by the woman that has the same first name. She knew and he and I had socialized with she and her husband. Lots of people knew.

OP posts:
Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 16:24

Does your husband know you had an 11 year long relationship with him?

momtoboys · 25/07/2024 17:31

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 16:24

Does your husband know you had an 11 year long relationship with him?

Sorry - I thought I put this in the original post. He does. It was before he and I got together. He knew us both then too. I have not yet told him about this latest issue.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 25/07/2024 17:34

Deny deny deny

MrsSchrute · 25/07/2024 17:34

Well there is not much you can do now really.
His poor wife.

Alienitta · 25/07/2024 17:36

I think you should tell her so that she doesn't waste the remainder of her life looking after him or tormented and gaslit with further deception.

StormingNorman · 25/07/2024 17:40

Deny everything. Don’t make her marriage meaningless now.

Stainglasses · 25/07/2024 17:49

You should completely deny it. It could have been anyone from his youth. There is no point in the truth getting out and hurting anyone.

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 17:50

There may come a point when he gives too much info away so you're definitely identifiable. I suppose you can downplay it!

Tel12 · 25/07/2024 17:53

Deny it. This is history and the guy is unwell. Best for all concerned. While confession may be good for the soul, you need to keep it to yourself.

Jojomon · 25/07/2024 17:57

Deny everything. If you are questioned say he must have mixed you up with a teenage crush or a TV character or something.

Diarygirlqueen · 25/07/2024 18:13

His poor wife, 11 year affair! She deserves so much better. It's a shame she never found out, now she has to look after him in sickness. Deny it and for once think of his wife and her feelings. Isn't karma a bitch.

momtoboys · 25/07/2024 20:34

I absolutely do plan to deny it. I don't want her life to be more difficult because of this. She has enough to deal with. My concern is that she has heard the truth from someone else. I guess I will just see how it all plays out. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
5128gap · 25/07/2024 21:40

I'd would be surprising if the other people who had known about it would suddenly break their silence after all these years when this would cause such huge distress to his wife. They've never felt the need to disclose until now after all. Possibly the other woman with your name said only enough to clear herself. So don't meet trouble half way. However you might want to think carefully about what to say if she does confront you, because the 'right thing' is debatable. I'm not sure I'd want to spend my days caring for a man who'd made a fool of me by openly cheating for 11 years. Her life with this undeserving man will be no bed of roses and at present she's living it under false pretences. Knowledge could free her to find a better life for herself.

BouquetGarni224 · 26/07/2024 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BouquetGarni224 · 26/07/2024 10:05

Alienitta · 25/07/2024 17:36

I think you should tell her so that she doesn't waste the remainder of her life looking after him or tormented and gaslit with further deception.

This.

All this woe is me, but you have no intention of fessing up and seem more concerned with whether people realise and talk about you.

BouquetGarni224 · 26/07/2024 10:06

I still consider him the love of my life.

How lovely for your husband.

And his wife.

ToofHurty · 26/07/2024 10:10

he and I had socialized with she and her husband. Lots of people knew

The poor woman, not only cheated on for 13 years by her husband, but you and he socialised with her social circle.

And now you plan to gaslight her if confronted.

Disgusting, the lot of you.

I hope she sticks him in a home and lets him rot. You lot can all go visit him and make sure he’s being looked after, but of course you won’t.

Alienitta · 26/07/2024 11:12

Go and look after him if he is the love of your life. Wasn't there a place that redecorated everything to look like a past era to help people with Dementia? Wouldn't seeing you, if you haven't changed too much be great for him in his hour of need?

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/07/2024 11:15

MiddleagedBeachbum · 25/07/2024 17:34

Deny deny deny

Lies, lies, lies... great advice, but not entirely unsurprising...

Sorry OP but this is a tale of you reap what you sow.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/07/2024 11:19

ToofHurty · 26/07/2024 10:10

he and I had socialized with she and her husband. Lots of people knew

The poor woman, not only cheated on for 13 years by her husband, but you and he socialised with her social circle.

And now you plan to gaslight her if confronted.

Disgusting, the lot of you.

I hope she sticks him in a home and lets him rot. You lot can all go visit him and make sure he’s being looked after, but of course you won’t.

Yup.
I'm staggered on this board how often the advice is to lie and deny.
Utterly, utterly shameful and disgusting.

For all those dishing out deceitful advice, I hope you don't find yourselves on the end of it. Or if you do, I guess you'll accept that you are the sort of person that deserves it.

AgentJohnson · 26/07/2024 11:32

Don’t compound your past behaviour by being shitty now. If she asks, be honest, she deserves nothing less.

ToofHurty · 26/07/2024 11:46

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/07/2024 11:19

Yup.
I'm staggered on this board how often the advice is to lie and deny.
Utterly, utterly shameful and disgusting.

For all those dishing out deceitful advice, I hope you don't find yourselves on the end of it. Or if you do, I guess you'll accept that you are the sort of person that deserves it.

Unbelievable isn’t it.

“Deny, best for all concerned”. All except for the wife, who will sacrifice the next 5-10 years getting him out of bed, washing him, feeding him, doing his laundry, taking him to appointments, wiping his arse, and probably ultimately paying for his care home fees.

And where will the “love of his life” and all the friends who socialised with this woman’s husband and his mistress be? Offering to help? Nope, nowhere to be seen, just bemoaning how terrible they feel.

If the wife posted on here I’d be advising her to call adult social services to tell them she’s divorcing the cheating prick and won’t be lifting a finger to do anything for him from that second onwards, so over to them.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/07/2024 12:17

It's laughably predictable and depressingly disappointing in equal measure.