Partner says he can't have kids

[Dittoe]

I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together for 2 years.

When we first started dating, I told him about my family history of early menopause and PCOS and that I would like to have kids before too late. He told me we were on the same page. I also had a divorce previously as my ex husband changed his mind about having kids (we had other issues but this was the main one that made me go ahead and I told my boyfriend this years later when we met).

Fast forward to 3 months ago, he realised that he has too much childhood trauma and started therapy to address these. It was already causing issues in the relationship as he wasn't mentally very stable but I stuck by him as I know it's hard and I love him so much.

Last weekend he sat me down and said that the therapy has been challenging and it might take years for him to get to a place where he feels comfortable to have kids. It really broke my heart to hear this but I understand and appreciate that he shouldn't when he's going through this anyway.

He told me 'what if it takes 5 years to address my issues and even then I decide I don't want kids?' I have no answer to that as I love him so much but if that does happen, I will have wasted my valuable child bearing years.

My head says one thing but heart another. I don't want to have kids for sake of having them but it's also very important to me not to trap myself in a situation where I cannot have them at the end. Is it worth sticking through or find a stable partner to settle down finally?

Leave, or you will grow old surrounded by bitterness, hate and resentment.

He has been honest with very valid reasons, I think. More people should consider if it's right for them to have children.

However, if motherhood is very important to you, you should pursue it with someone else. The two of you are now incompatible on this point.

In the bin with him.

You've only been together for two years and I'm wondering how his trauma manifests. He sounds like he needs a lot of support.Get out and find someone who wants to have children.

At least he's been honest with you and not stung you along forever like some men do. If you really want kids then I think you need to part ways now.

He doesn’t ever want kids.

Forget the “what if in 5 years blah blah” nonsense.

That’s him covering his back so that in 5 years time when you revisit this and he still doesn’t want children, he can say “well I did warn you”.

If you decide to stay in this relationship, do it with eyes wide open in the knowledge that you won’t ever have children.

He did the right thing telling you. He's not at fault.
But you're absolutely allowed to feel that your desire to have children might be bigger than your love for him.

I saw the first post about growing bitter, and they had a point. If you really want children, you should do whatever it takes to have them. Even if it costs you your relationship.

He's done the right thing. Both in addressing this through therapy and telling you it still might never happen.

I think the 'bin him' comments are very harsh. There are a lot of men who wouldn’t have told you and an awful lot more (judging by MN threads) who will have them despite not wanting them and then spend their evenings in the pub, their weekends playing golf and doing fuck all parenting.

But the reality is that, if he feels this strongly now, he likely won't ever want children. Therapy is good but it doesn't undo the trauma it just provides understanding and coping strategies.

It shows he understands the enormity of bringing a child into the world and that is to he commended (not just becaise hebis a man but because many people dont - especially where trauma is involvled).

But I don't think this is the relationship for you if you want children.

He's been honest, it's a wrench but I'd leave and start looking or go it alone if you'd consider. You're 31 now but the next few years will fly. There are really nice men out there but it can find time to find the right one in your 30s so I wouldn't delay this because you love this man if you'll regret it later.

Bear in mind you might split in five or ten years, even twenty, and he can still have children with someone else. I know it sounds harsh and I don't mean he'd do it to waste your time but he has that option, you may not.

He doesn’t want kids. He’s making excuses. I was with a guy like this and he used the same ones. Please leave and find someone that wants the exact things as you. Plenty of decent guys will tell you upfront they want kids

Off he pops. You can love him as a friend.

I agree.

You have my sympathy, op, it is a difficult situation to navigate but I think betterangels is right about this.

Leave OP. Don't waste your fertile years with him. You'll resent him if down the line he says no to kids or says yes but it's too late. The relationship sounds like hard work. Move on.

They are two options. Either he's being honest or he's lying, to cover up the fact the he doesn't want kids and he's been stringing you along.

What do you want your life to look like? Do you want him in it? Or is it a dealbreaker that you have kids?

You have some hard thinking to do.

I don't think he will ever want them and us hedging that in 5 years it'll be too late anyways. I would look deep at how much you want to try fur a family and if it's something you will resent if you don't then I would leave and try to find someone new or go it alone

Leave him now, it doesn't matter if he's being honest now or has been lying from the start, he can not give you an answer that will satisfy you, he will not be giving you children any time soon, that's his line drawn so now you have to draw your own.

You WILL end up resenting him if you stay and he ages you out.... you will resent yourself if you stay, age out and he dumps you for the one he does want children with.

Leave and find someone who wants what you want or make plans to freeze eggs and start your single fertility journey.

If he loved you truly he would end it, he hasn't, he is serving himself only.

Leave him over the kids, but also leave him over this:

It was already causing issues in the relationship as he wasn't mentally very stable but I stuck by him as I know it's hard and I love him so much

It’s been two years, far too early for all of this shit. He sounds like a nightmare.

He’s been honest which is more than many are.

sadly he’s not right for you so time to part. Don’t listen if he tries to keep you - he won’t be the dad your kids need

If you love him more than you want kids then stay. If you want kids more than you love him then end it. There is no middle ground on this issue

Your partner doesn't want children, whatever the reason.
I'm 45, happily child free and could never quite understand why would I "cancel myself" like that.
You two are not compatible.

Don’t waste another precious moment. Onwards and upwards.

If you really want kids you need to leave.

It's better he's told you all this and seeking therapy than going ahead with the pregnancy promising you the world the bailing when he can't handle it leaving you to raise a child alone.

Imo you need to leave him. I don't have or want children, but I'd leave somebody who did so that they could have what they wanted in life. It will hurt for a while but you divorced once over this issue.

It's not enough to be with someone because you love them. You need to be compatible and have same life plans and work towards them. You don't have time to waste in your 30s anymore so walk away now.