Difficult father has cancer diagnosis

[britespark1]

I have a tricky relationship with my “D”F. Lots of infidelity growing up, borderline neglect, very selfish, and now very obviously favours my brothers and their lovely children and makes no effort with me and mine. Has now been diagnosed with cancer and I don’t know how I am supposed to “be”.

He blatantly expects everyone to rally round him but I just feel nothing. He continues to be rude to me and live his life in the same selfish way but I’d happily still not see him. How do you deal with illness in someone you are supposed to care for but actually don’t ?

I'm sorry your "D"F was a shot Father.

Where is your DM? Is she still around?

She’s still here. They divorced when I was still at school. Remarried to a lovely man. DF has been remarried and divorced since. I just feel like a terrible person as I don’t want to call him or see him and everyone expects me too.

I think handle it at the level you feel ok with. Can you send a card? Or just wait to see if he invites you to visit? Once he’s having treatment he might get into a routine and be quite busy. You don’t have to rush to cook for him or whatever if that’s not your usual relationship

So sorry you're going through this, it's a difficult, confusing time.
When my abusive alcoholic father was diagnosed with cancer, I did spend time with him and was with him when he died (although he died pretty quickly after diagnosis).
I did this because I thought about how I'd feel after he died - I wanted to feel comfortable with the decisions I had made.
There's no right or wrong, go with how you feel.

I rang the day he got the diagnosis (temporarily have no car which is needed to get there) and messaged him several times since. Supposed to meet this weekend but then he’s been rude as usual and I don’t want to go. I’m sure he tells everyone what an awful daughter he has. Everyone loves him, calls him Peter Pan as he’s never grown up.

Ok so your DM isn't there with him. Was going to suggest that you focus on her if they were still together.

Is your F's diagnosis terminal?

No not terminal and although I don’t know for sure statistically it’s a type that responds well to treatment. He’s like Teflon generally and I’m sure after treatment will be fine

Who told you about your F if you have no contact with him? Do you feel that the family (i.e. your DBs) expect you to step up and help him with appointments etc? Usually the caring role expectations is directed towards females but that doesn't mean you have to accept that role.
I'd continue your grey rock as you don't owe him anything

You owe him nothing. If he's already being rude to you again, if I were you I would not go and see him. I too had a nasty father.

I think you’ve done enough. You’ve rang and messaged. Why go over? You’re not close. Who ‘expects’ you to go? Is it you? Or others? It’s really up to you (you know about FOG? We feel guilty about our parents but he hasn’t nurtured a close relationship so this isn’t of your doing)

We are in contact sorry, he pretends to the world he’s an amazing dad and grandad. He just makes little actual effort to see me and so I in turn do the same.

Totally agree. Make sure you've not been told so that the siblings (male) can pass over all of the actual caring responsibilities to you.

Apologies my phone is old so my replies are a bit disjointed. I feel my brothers expect things from me. Also my Aunty who is essentially DF’s best friend too. Very pushy. And there is no way in hell I would
be taking on a caring role

Ah so they want you to do the caring role because it’s convenient to them

aunty - she’s known him far longer let her step up if needed

your brothers - say you’re sure dad would feel more comfortable with a male helping him.

have your answers ready.

Having cancer does not make someone a nice person. If he was repentant over his treatment of you and was being respectful of you now then perhaps you might want to reconsider your level of contact but this is clearly not the case. Let people think what they like, honestly, if you can do this, life becomes so much easier. Don't let him get away with treating you badly just because he is ill.

I wouldn't go near him. He can go to hell.

I'd say you carry on as you are low contact. Maybe give his a Get well soon card.

He isn't going to change. If your Aunt pushes you point out he's much closer to your brothers.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Care of the elderly and sick is a feminist issue.

Sounds like they're all trying to palm him off on you.

Luckily I live the furthest distance away which will help as it is genuinely hard to get over there at the moment.

100%. As well as care of the young

Doesn't sound like he's about to drop dead. You have phoned and messaged. How much time does it take you to go there?

I think go visit this time, as he's just had the diagnosis. Don't get sucked into the drama and let the favoured ones do the heavy lifting.

I too have a 'D'F (not a DF). Who practices favouritism and negging. Charming to the outside world. I feel your pain.

Just say the right things over messages and don't go. Make something up. Car problem, D&V, covid, anything really. This kind of illness doesn't make people like him any better as people.

I feel like I should get this weekends visit out of the way as I haven’t seen him since the diagnosis and then it’s done for a while and I don’t have to think about it.

Normally about an hour to get there but we are meeting somewhere halfway on this occasion for a walk. My kids aren’t close to him but I don’t want to stop them from seeing especially at the moment so at least if I do go they get to see him too.

I would reconsider that visit because he could well start on you with your children being in earshot. Why expose any of you to such a man, albeit your dad?. He has been no father to you nor grandfather to your kids. He’s always been awful to you and now he is both awful and in poor health. Such types never apologise nor accept and responsibility for their actions . Neither you or your kids are close to him for very good reason.

You may well want to read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately homes thread on these Relationships pages. Have a read also of the Out of the fog website.

Thank you. I will look at both of those.