In love with two people at the same time?

[ConfusionAndCoffee]

I'm aware I'll get some hate but I have no really close friends or family I trust enough with this and just need to get this out.
I have a partner, we are not married, we have a 2yo DS together. Together for five years. I wouldn't say out relationship is bad although it definitely has it's ups and downs. I feel like the hired help most of the time, and just feel quite lonely, DP very much makes most of the decisions in our house, financial mostly. I just feel very neglected emotionally and also sexually. He doesn't show much interest for intimacy anymore. He is very selfish in that sense he will be pleasures by me but won't reciprocated. We've had countless conversations about it over the last year or so but he doesn't really have any answers other than too tired etc. I do love him dearly but I'm just not happy anymore.

I have a male friend who I've grown quite close to, we have been friends for around two years and in that time have begun to form a bond, confiding in each other. Long story short we have started a physical affair. Each time we vow it's a once off and we both don't want to destroy our families but we keep going back to each other. We've talked about how compatible we are and how we wish things were different, how if we had met earlier on, how maybe one day we will be together. He is very much in the same situation as me, very unhappy and his partner is actually quite abusive towards him, he has a disabled child who is a full time carer for and she has been known to do horrible spiteful things when she doesn't get her way (I know this for a fast first hand as I also know her, bad I know)

I have genuinely feelings for this man and I know I shouldn't be doing it but it's really hard to keep away from him. He makes me smile so much, he compliments me, he understands me, and he listens to me and comforts me. He makes me feel safe. I feel like I may be falling in love with this man and I believe he feels the same way.

I love my partner and I can't imagine my life without him but I'm also developing these other feelings and I'm so confused and I feel deeply ashamed by what I'm doing but I don't want to lose either of these men from my life. I suppose I just need some perspective. A bit of me thinks is this just lust, is it because I'm getting the intimacy and emotional support that I've been craving and dont get from my partner? I know this cannot be excused but my heads a mess.

Have you had any thoughts of his innocent partner?

Yes, and I do feel terrible. I feel horrible ashamed and disgusted in myself.

No you cant be in love with 2 people at the same time! Thats just greedy and not how society works.

Has @Devonshirerexx just put your dilemma into ChatGPT??
Look, for what it is worth, unless you can settle down with Man 1 for the rest of your life (and plenty of people do and find common ground) or Man 2 really does show his true feelings as you believe them to be, and makes a serious move, then you are in a difficult spot. And, ignoring the ChatGPT comment for a moment, yeah, the situation can't go on for long without damaging at least two other people. With the best kindness meant - I would also take with a huge pinch of salt the variations on the theme that "my wife does not understand me" which is what you are getting here. Hope this helps, and yes, you will get flamed by others, but try and find your way through it .... some good nuggets of advice will be there. HTH x

But doesn’t stop you does it. It’s disgusting, ruining people lives due to your greed! Read the stories of the broken women on here.

Sounds like they did! Or they're some weird bot themselves.

That aside, yes your relationship has ran it's course. It sounds like you resent and dislike your partner and I don't think you can come back from that. Save the misery for all involved and end it.

It's not love. You don't love two people if you loved your partner you wouldn't be sleeping around with anything that breathes.

Disgusting.

@ConfusionAndCoffee clearly you don't though otherwise you wouldn't be doing it!

OP,I’ve been in a similar situation.

You are falling in love with the idea of this bloke, the reality is much different.

You can’t honestly say how this man feels because it’s impossible to look in to peoples minds. He might act like he is falling in love but it’s probably just lust.

In your shoes - leave your partner - your already fucking some one else. That relationship is ruined.

It would be interesting to see if your work colleague follows suit

I think it’s possible to love two people at the same time, but it doesn’t sound like you have the same feelings for man 1 and man 2.

you obviously resent your partner. Perhaps your ‘love’ for him is more based on familiarity and nostalgia for what you had, or a fear of change, rather than the present or the future. New man is fulfilling needs your partner isn’t. So it’s a dichotomy - but not one that can continue.

The longer this goes on, the more chance of everyone getting hurt. DS is young but he will absorb the fallout. Take man 2 out of the equation for a moment, do you WANT a future with your partner? If yes then perhaps couples counselling? If you’re unhappy and neglected that can’t just be ignored and you shouldn’t have to settle with that. But one way or another your current relationship needs to be sorted out (even if that means breaking up) before you can even think about man 2.

@ConfusionAndCoffee
I don't know if it's quite possible to be in love with 2 people at once. I think you can love more than one person and feel different kinds of love. But being in love... It's too overwhelming to feel that for multiple people. At least I've never experienced it. From what I hear, you have an attachment to your partner. You have a life and a family together and you're afraid of what will happen if you leave him. i'm not sure this qualifies as being in love. Your relationship sounds very hollow to be honest.

However, this other man. I can't tell, but be aware this may just be an infatuation. An affair isn't a strong foundation for love, especially when it's built on a connection based on what you're missing in your own relationships. You have no idea if what you have with him would last once you no longer have that shared bond over your relationship grienvances. That's why so many of these relationships don't last after you go off into the sunset together.

I know you realise that what you're doing isn't okay. Being unhappy in your current relationship doesn't justify cheating, for either of you. No matter what, you should always respect your partner and your relationship enough to end it before moving on to someone new.

The best advice I can give you is to end your current relationship if you're so unhappy that you've resulted to cheating on him. There's no coming back from that. And take some time away from this other man too. One day, when you've both gone through the separation and are seeing each other with a clear mind, then you can figure out of you potentially have a future together.

But not enough to stop it?

Yes you can love more than one person.

You’ve got a two year old and you’ve been having an affair for two years, were you still pregnant or did you have a tiny baby when you first shagged the other man?

If you and he are meant to be together you’ll leave your respective partners and do it. You’ve got to stop flapping and make a decision. Are you hanging on because you don’t think he’ll leave her?

You very clearly don’t love your current partner, you’ve said nothing positive about him and listed a lot of criticisms. So leave him. Do you work?

You're indulging this affair because you're unhappy with your partner. You need to grow up and end the relationship with your partner and stop the affair until/if both of you are free. Don't expect this affair relationship to be the answer to all your problems - you might end up single with no partner but at least you won't be in the shit you're in now.

I'm curious about logistics. When are you meeting man2 to carry out such an affair? If he had a disabled child and you yourself have a young family, when? And where? What kind of excuses/lies are you spinning to DH?

Have a detailed oriented brain so I do tend to jump to practicalities.

That aside, I was once in 'love' with a work colleague. I can tell you that he in fact, just love bombed me, laid it on so thick, when I was at the time junior and him not... oh how I felt so flattered. The smart, rich, successful, charismatic, charmer, who had the whole office at his feet, was chasing me.

How young and naive to be swept up. I can tell you, he just wanted a play thing behind his wife and young families back whilst protesting his feelings for me, in reality, he chewed me up and spat me out. And he's still with her now AND continues to have affairs.

Don't throw away your marriage for lust. I was lucky I was very young and very single. It's all going to end in tears. And I can predict you will end up alone and man2 won't leave his wife.

You don’t love your partner.
You love the convenience and stability of him.

If the new man left his wife, you would drop your DH like a shot.
The only reason you’re not doing it is because the new man is never going to leave his wife.

Your DH will find out and then you’ll be single because neither man will want you.

This man is not going to leave his wife for you.
So you need to forget about him and focus on your partner.

End things with the OM and then decide whether you want to stay with your DH or not.
If you want to stay with him then you need to stay faithful, it’s really not hard to do.

Just to clarify, ot know recently turned physical. In the last month or so.

So you want your cake and eat it, basically?

How would you feel?

You both need to do the decent thing. Step back from each other, leave your partners and only then consider a relationship.

Tha ks for all your replies. Deep down I know that this is wrong. I know that I'm fucked basically. I know I need to call it off with my friend and try and work on my relationship. My partner is the longest relationship I've had and before him I had not had any serious relationships and was quite shy and reserved. I find it hard to believe that I have actually done this because I never thought I would.

I do think most of you are right and that this is lust and maybe I am being used/lovebombed and I'll end up with nothing. I'm miserable more so now that I'm in this situation so I know I need to end this one way or another.

You need to leave your partner, you really don't love him if you're shagging someone else behind his back. You list a 101 bad things about him and then say you love him dearly! I don't think so, he's just convenient. Do him (and yourself) a huge favour and leave him. Then tell the man you're having an affair with that you won't be involved in him cheating on his OH anymore and he needs to decide what he wants. You'll soon find out then if he's really falling in love with you or just using you as a bit on the side.

OK, good. Stop doing it then.

Yoy aren't. Its generally quite dull being in a relationship and bringing up children. The other man your infatuated with.
Its exciting. Like a school girl crush. The reality isnt like thar. Give your head a wobble ans dont break up a family woth a man yoh admit you love

Grow up

You've been shagging someone else behind his back, you can't just pretend that didn't happen. If you want to stay with your partner then you need to tell him the truth so he can make an informed choice as to whether he wants to continue and so you can address all the issues.

Most people aren't saying 'just cool it with your friend'. You seem to just be seeing what you want to see. Pretty much every poster is saying you need to end things with your partner.