I'm struggling

[Pieskies]

Husband and I have been having a rough time. I won't go into detail because there are various reasons. No affairs or cheating or anything bad..Just constant disagreements and trust issues really. Thought we were working through everything but it's all gone so wrong

He has always had issues with anger and has said some awful things to me before.q

My husband stole and hid my phone. He had it for hours. He locked himself in the bathroom so I couldn't get in but I knew he had it.

Eventually he came out telling me to leave
I asked for my phone back. He threw it at the wall and smashed it infront of our children.

He was angry because he'd read all my messages to my friends where I had been talking about some of the struggles we'd been having in our relationship. Apparently this is slagging him off. But I was just having a hard time and seeking support from my friends.

He asked me to leave and I could see how angry he was so I started quietly trying to pack for me and the kids.

He kept following me, having a go at me. I didn't want to argue/anger him further and I was trying my best to diffuse it and keep it calm for the kids. I asked him to leave me but he wouldn't.
He kept going on at me so I just said something neutral to try and avoid it escalating. If I ignored him he'd go mental. If I argued he'd go mental. But if I said OK or something similar he went absolutely apeshit. I couldn't win. Each time I said it, he'd come and get in my face or threaten me. He told me if I said it one more time he'd break my neck/throw me against the wall/throw me out the house.
I took the kids outside to get away and he locked us out. I didn't want to freak them out so I tapped on the window and asked to get them milk. He argued for a bit but agreed to let me in if I'd carry on packing. Think he realised he couldn't lock us out.

The same thing carried on and he physically lifted me up and put me out the front door and locked me out. I got in round the back.

He wanted me to leave but I had no phone. My family aren't near I didn't know the way and had no sat nav or any way to contact anyone. He wouldn't lend me his phone.

He calmed down a bit and by this point the kids were tried. He wanted to talk. I just wanted to put the kids to bed so I said ill put them to bed and I'll leave in the morning.

He was then completely normal. Acts like nothings happened.

I did leave. Just said ive come for a few days to stay with family.
He's now messaging me saying he loves me/misses me ect ect.

No apology though.

I don't know why I'm posting. I know I have to leave.
He won't change will he? Can people like this change?
It isn't safe for the children. They didn't need to see that. And I felt so vulnerable.

Why do I feel guilty? Why do I love him still? Why am I worried about him and why do I care?

I'm just struggling with so many feelings and I need some help.

To me, there's no going back from that. Sorry I cant help you any more but you already know all what you described isn't acceptable at all and you must find a way out. Abuse, violence, manipulation - all the red flags are there.

Police. He was behaving in an aggressive and threatening manner. That’s domestic abuse and you and your children are being abused. This will escalate if you go back and you are not safe.

I don't know why I'm posting. Other perspectives and support and that's completely ok.

I know I have to leave. yes you do.
He won't change will he? Doubt it.
Can people like this change? Rarely
It isn't safe for the children. Really isn't* *
They didn't need to see that. And I felt so vulnerable. Phone police if you need to, womens aid.

Why do I feel guilty? Normal to feel this way. It's not your guilt, it's his.
Why do I love him still? Why am I worried about him and why do I care? Nice person and wants to protect everyone. But please leave to protect you and DCs.

Each time I said it, he'd come and get in my face or threaten me. He told me if I said it one more time he'd break my neck/throw me against the wall/throw me out the house.

There is,nor should there be, any coming back from this.

So what do you need to know?
Do you need advice on how you separate? Or do you have that covered?

He loves having you as a punchbag. This isn't love OP.

What do you want to do?

You do realise you are in an abusive relationship right ? That's not ok or any where near normal and absolutely not ok for the children to be witnessing. If that was me I'd be gone with the kids or get him out of the house with a restraining order.

I've told him I've only gone for a few days. I'm scared to tell him in not coming back. But I can't go back.

What if he's ever like that with the children. I can protect them now by leaving but he'll want to see them eventually...

Do I need to log any of this? I don't want any drama. I just don't want to be near him and I just want to keep me and the kids safe.

Why is he being so normal. Why does he not acknowledge what he's done ever? Saying he wants to make it work but doesn't even attempt to apologise or admit he's wrong.

I can't come back from it.
I know it.
I don't want to feel any guilt or love. I just want to feel angry.
But I feel it all

I'm struggling to understand why you feel guilty zx

You need to report ALL of this to the police and get a non-molestation order to keep this lunatic away from you and your children. You can never, ever go back to this man. Not ever. Believe him when he says he will break your neck.

100% agree

OP you need to go to the police for a couple of reasons, first you want evidence of the incident regarding child contact and secondly it will help should his behaviour escalate. Dial 101 and speak to the police while it's fresh in your mind.

You need to get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation. They will guide you through your options.

I'm guessing that this altercation took place in front of the children. You can't go back and let them go through that again. His behaviour will escalate, it always does and next time he might actually break your neck. I would take his threats very seriously.

I know, it seems ridiculous because he's done this.
I guess I still care about him and love him and when he was being nice to me the next day it made it hard to leave. And I feel bad. Which is insane
Equally I'm scared of him and I'm scared to tell him I'm not going back.
He'll blame me, say I've taken his kids ect. Say it's all my fault probably.
What happens if I tell the police?

OK. Thank you.
What will police do? Will they just log it? Or will he be arrested?

May I pm you? X

They will take a statement from you and may arrest him. If he's arrested they will bail him probably with conditions not to contact you. They can also issue a DVPO, a protection order to keep him away.

You can apply for a non molestation order which means he can't harm you and an occupation order which keeps him away from the house. You can do those yourself for free though you would be better getting help from the domestic abuse organisation.

For free legal advice you can phone Rights of Women.For advice regarding the police and procedure you can contact Victim Support. To find a domestic abuse organisation, type domestic abuse help and your area.

OP - please Google - Trauma bonding. What you feel isn't love. Please do not go back to him- he is a narcissist. They never feel guilty. You are his supply. He doesn't love you.

You dont love him. This is trauma. This isnt what love is. How is he contacting you if he smashed your phone and you have no phone?

phone the police and say exactly what happened.

We had a spare one in the house so I put my sim in it.

Don't block him as he could message threats which can be used as evidence. I would redirect his calls to voicemail again for evidence.

He is abusive and violent. I'm sorry. None of it is your fault. It's very hard to read how your are tip toeing around this horrible abusive man trying to keep the peace.

Well done for getting out. Now you need to stay out.

First police, then you need a plan for somewhere to live.

Can you tell your family what's happened?

Do you love him more than your children? Because this is the point where you choose. Remember that.

From early on in my childhood (and forever still) I was grateful to my mum for getting us away from my drinking, gambling father and the life that was to go with it. She saved us from so much heartache. That was probably the best, the most loving and the bravest thing she ever did.

I've told them.
I don't have a job or any money of my own.
I don't know where to begin

Thank you for your message. I know I need to keep them away from that.
He's still messaging me now asking why I'm being like this. He seems to have no concept of what he's done.

He does understand what he's done, he just doesn't want to take responsibility. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking nothing happened.

You can contact Shelter regarding housing and Turn2us regarding benefits. The domestic abuse organisation should be able to help on how to move forward. You can do this.

@cupcaske123 I agree. He does understand what he's done. He is manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty. If you go back to him, he will destroy your mental health