My mother seems to be intent on disabling herself

[follier]

Wasn't actually sure where to put this thread.

I don't think this problem is solvable, but I thought I would ask anyway.

My mother is in her sixties. She has been an alcoholic for a long time (which I have posted about elsewhere here, under other names). But what I am posting about today is slightly different. More about her physical health.

In short, she seems to be intent on effectively making herself disabled.

She has a slipped disc, which causes her pain. I know the pain must be hard. But she has utterly refused to take any medical advice on moving around, getting gentle exercise. She insists on lying on the sofa all day every day, watching TV and drinking. (She is always able to find the strength to drive to the shop to buy wine, like most alcoholics).

She also had an operation for something else 18 months ago and was told she must do physio exercises after it to avoid long-term pain and stiffness. Again, totally ignored medical advice, did nothing, has been left with lasting pain.

She takes a stack of co-codamol every day, as well as drinking. She says she is in great pain at all times and therefore cannot do anything, at all. She had a hospital appointment this week and, on arrival, declared that she could not walk at all and needed a wheelchair. I don't know if she was putting it on. That sounds awful, but she can always walk from the car to the wine aisle.

I suppose I am really worried about my dad – he is terrified he will have to quit work and become a full-time carer to her. He already works five days a week, shops, cooks, cleans and takes care of the animals.

What can you do with someone who will not help themselves? I feel like I'm going to be accused of ableism here.

I should add, she does not seem to have any trouble going to hair and nail appointments either.

You can't really do anything sadly. I wouldn't be doing any running around after her though.

An awful lot of people don't do the physio they are told to do,

Estimates range from 20% up to 70%.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2923776/

Speaking as someone with chronic pain following by an accident, doing physio fucking hurts. If you are already in pain and you have to exercise through that it pain it really does require either great strength of will or someone cheering you on.

I used to eat a wispa after my daily session just to make myself do it.

Have you considered Al-Anon? Just asking because I have found it helpful in dealing with problems caused by the erratic and self-destructive people in my life.

I don't think that there is anything you can do to change your mother's behaviour.

This sounds incredibly hard. Do u have any kind OF POA. I would call her drs surgery and voice concerns over addiction to prescription meds as well. If she has an addictive tendencies it sounds like she's going that way. Unfortunately she can only
Help herself in regards to th physio. It must be horrible for ur dad

I'd put it to your father that you would support him in choosing to divorce your mother.

Your dad enables her in her alcoholism. He is getting what he wants out of that relationship and I would not feel at all sorry for him. I’d be wondering why he has failed to protect you, his daughter, from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour.

Further distance yourself from the two of them, you can only help your own self here. Neither of them really want your help and or support.

I have thought about it, but my local group meets at a time I can't make, and honestly I don't feel it's really for me.

I do see this as an extension of alcoholic behaviour, really. Even before these health issues, she spent all day lying on the sofa drinking. The worry now is that my dad will soon be bathing and toileting her and doing permanent all-day care.

Total nightmare when people won’t care for themselves but I guess it’s an aspect of her poor mental health. Maybe you and your dad could go to a family member support group. I feel for you, you might need some extra support to navigate it kindly and not enable her

My mum is similar but she doesn't drink.
She has however accepted her fate of being almost immobile whilst my dad in his sixties has become her full time carer.

She appears quite happy, he is becoming resentful and angry. I live miles away so can offer no practical support. It's a horrible situation

There's been some recent intervention in that, actually. Local mental health services were appalled at the amount of meds the GP has her on. I think there have been some concerns raised there.

I have, before. But he won't.

what are you on about?. Clearly I’ve hit a nerve but you’re angry at the wrong person here.

I'm sorry. My mother doesn't actually seem unhappy about any of it, either.

@Octavia64 totally agree with you. I cried throughout mine because I was having to consciously put myself though an extra layer of pain several times a day for weeks. I guess it's almost a form of self harm where you deliberately hurt yourself.

OP - you can only encourage your dm to do them, perhaps offer to do them together?

Oh OP, I’m in a very very similar situation to yourself (bar the alcohol) I’ve thought about creating a post on here many a time, I’m just not brave enough. My mum is in her 60’s, but the way she goes on you would think she was in her 80’s. Honestly, I feel like she leans on me so heavy. I’ve got 3 little ones (one of which is ND) and I’m just drained. I have pulled back the past 12 months for my own sanity. It’s so hard, so you have my sympathy here 💕

They're right though. Why if she's happily driving to the shops to buy alcohol, going off for hair and nails, is she being waited on?
Is she under the influence when driving?

Exactly the same happened in the same roles for my parents in their 70's.
My father passed away before my mother despite having the help of carers 4x a day.

Not a thing you can do OP I'm afraid unless PO is put in place for health and wellbeing.

First of all sciatic pain is eye-watering. Before I retired as a social worker I saw several people whose drinking was basically related to their need to be free of this pain. And of course the drinking itself is bad for the skeleton and will have encouraged weak bones. So there is a double bind - need the drink to ease the pain, the drink is making the condition worse.

TBH, frustrating as it is, I think you are asking too much of her or hoping for too much from her. Someone who is alcoholic will lack the organizational skills to do the logical things which seem obvious to others. And, as someone else has pointed out, physio can be bloody painful - if you are drunk, then the motivation to cause yourself more pain will be low. The sort of logic that understands short term pain for long term gain is absent in a addicted person.

You ask what you can do for someone who will not (or in this case is unable by reason of addiction) help themselves, and the honest answer it not a lot.

But maybe you can help your Dad and find some support for him?

I am sorry you are faced with this situation.

This resonates with me. I did a one month pain management residential at St Thomas's before accepting that exercise was the only way to minimise my pain. Even with walking 1-3 hrs per day I'm still popping pills. Back pain sufferers are mocked in the UK but the pain can be hugely traumatic and life altering.

There really is very little you can do to stop this. Alcoholism is awful because your choices are to literally walk away or watch someone crumble.

I've seen this with a parent and as much as you probably know that posters telling you to walk away are logically right, it's hard to do that when you love and care for them.

I would definitely be raising my concerns to the GP about the amount of medication, alcohol and meds being mixed and also that they're apparently not considering anything else to help her.
She can't be on ever increasing doses of pain meds forever.

Unfortunately some people have no issues whatsoever in being helpless and actively try to make themselves so.

Aside from that, my suggestion is to step back as far as you can. Maybe take a little break from her, then have a think about what your boundaries will be (for me, I wouldn't see my parent after 4pm as they'd be drunk enough to be nasty by then, they weren't allowed to my house unless completely sober and I absolutely refused to do things for them that they could do themselves but chose not to, like cooking meals or going to the bank etc).

Sorry you're dealing with this OP.

We always feel that alcoholics can just stop if they exercise their will power. But they can’t. That’s what makes them alcoholic. Fundamentally it’s a disease like any other. They’re not enjoying it either.
That doesn’t solve your problem but your dad might benefit from the support Al-anon could give him even if you can’t. He will have to try and be open to help from other agencies just as he would if your mother was suffering from a different disease.

Thanks for your understanding. I'm actually pretty much not in contact with her. Boundaries in place, and generally she doesn't try to contact me. She's not really interested in other people, including her children.

I see my dad a lot, but even going to their house doesn't really involve contact with her, as she spends all her time in one room.

At this point, I'm not worried for myself, I'm worried for my dad. There are many things he should have done in the past.

I'm aware that I personally can't really do anything. Doesn't stop me occasionally wondering – on here – if anything can be done.

Tough situation for you as you want to help, but your Mother is fine if she can walk to get anything she needs
Is your Dad resentful?
Does he want to care for her?
Could you convince him to come to you for a break?
From what you say, your Mother could cope if she wanted to
There's not much else you can do if she has capacity anxiety he won't leave.