My mother seems to be intent on disabling herself

[follier]

Wasn't actually sure where to put this thread.

I don't think this problem is solvable, but I thought I would ask anyway.

My mother is in her sixties. She has been an alcoholic for a long time (which I have posted about elsewhere here, under other names). But what I am posting about today is slightly different. More about her physical health.

In short, she seems to be intent on effectively making herself disabled.

She has a slipped disc, which causes her pain. I know the pain must be hard. But she has utterly refused to take any medical advice on moving around, getting gentle exercise. She insists on lying on the sofa all day every day, watching TV and drinking. (She is always able to find the strength to drive to the shop to buy wine, like most alcoholics).

She also had an operation for something else 18 months ago and was told she must do physio exercises after it to avoid long-term pain and stiffness. Again, totally ignored medical advice, did nothing, has been left with lasting pain.

She takes a stack of co-codamol every day, as well as drinking. She says she is in great pain at all times and therefore cannot do anything, at all. She had a hospital appointment this week and, on arrival, declared that she could not walk at all and needed a wheelchair. I don't know if she was putting it on. That sounds awful, but she can always walk from the car to the wine aisle.

I suppose I am really worried about my dad – he is terrified he will have to quit work and become a full-time carer to her. He already works five days a week, shops, cooks, cleans and takes care of the animals.

What can you do with someone who will not help themselves? I feel like I'm going to be accused of ableism here.

And he won't leave, sorry

I never found any exercise helpful for a slipped disc. I found the most effective treatment were epidurals, paid for by private medical insurance.

I too have found NHS physio to be limited; and excruciating. I could barely walk for the pain for 2 days, after seeing the physio each time with him messing around with my joints.

Imo, your expectations of DM are unrealistic. I’ve known several people significantly disabled by slipped discs!

💔I feel for you. My mother is in her 50s, me in 30s with soon to be 2 young DC.

She has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and even though she says all the right things about exercise/ diet/ seeing this person or that. She doesn't actually f*cking do a thing!!! At 34 weeks pregnant I had to go to her town 3 hours away and sort a load of things out for her.

This is a recent diagnosis so I can accept she is adjusting but she has been like this with everything in her life.

She used to drink seriously heavily but cut right back a few years ago. I have had my suspicions she was back drinking the last few months - finding empty bottles of gin under the sink will do that! But she called me pissed drunk recently and tried to tell me she was tired.

I do, do a lot for her and know myself that won't really change but I have taken an emotional step back from her because I just don't believe what she says and I have played this game before.

Had a friend with similar.
Mum required a hip operation but was too scared of needles and refused. She chose to become immobile. She was mean to everyone, refused any help other than Dad and absolutely set in her ways. Dad became carer and entirely trapped doing things her way.
It became horrifc because the Dad got cancer. She made it all about her. After having operations for cancer, Mum was still insisting he physically help her and refusing other help. Sadly the Dad didn't last 6 months.

But importantly the Dad's cancer diagnosis came with realisation that he wasn't immortal and he started thinking about the future and making things easier for himself. Against her will, he insisted they move from an impractical rural house to a retirement flat, with social activities he could join and nearer to my friend. He got a cleaner and carers. Mum was evil about all the changes but he put his foot down.
if he had survived, his quality of life would have been so much better. In the event of his death, these steps made it bearable. Putting in place further help was possible and my friend was able to not get too sucked in and be driven crazy. Honestly the mum was so selfish that she actually thought if Dad died that her daughter would leave her husband and 5 kids and move in to care for her!

If your Dad won't ever leave Mum, instead of focusing changing his mind about that, try looking at their future and working on the things that could be changed to improve his life going forward as they both get older. It may be that to convince him to make changes that will benefit both of them, you have to sell him that it would be good for her, if he is too far down the line of always putting her needs first.

Remove her car keys for a start! If she's drinking and taking opiates she shouldn't be driving! Other than that, your Dad should seriously think about leaving her, I'd not be hanging around until I was trapped into caring for someone that refuses to help themselves

What can you do...

You join Al Anon and learn to stop being responsible for the choices of others.

Get your dad to join along with you.

Your mother's problem is alcoholism. Not a slipped disc.

What this means is that she prioritises drinking over everything else and everyone else in her life. She cares about drinking and only drinking.

You are not on her radar. Your dad is not on her radar. Her own health is not on her radar (or she wouldn't be drinking herself to death, obv).

Snap out of the fog you're living in. Save yourself, and try to get your dad to save himself too. Giving up work would be enabling the alcoholic.

Get the help you need as the adult child of an alcoholic. Don't let alcoholism claim you as collateral damage.

She inhabits your head though, and this is the problem you are dealing with. Boundaries are about your behaviour and habits of mind, not rules for her to abide by.

She has chosen disconnection but you are still trying to improve the situation.

The only way to make anything better is to get your dad to join Al Anon with you (for people affected by someone else's drinking).

I have a sister like this... she relishes illness and chases a new diagnosis.. she keeps saying when I'm well enough I will get a job.. but there's always something stopping her!

Admittedly she's had 2 new hips and because and cray showed some degeneration in her knees she's actively seeking new knees!

There is nothing wrong with them other than old age and overweight.. but she is hell bent on being 'disabled' and not losing her pip

It's near impossible for people with addiction and chronic pain problems to make changes, they need phenomenal amounts of motivation and commitment. It has to be their choice. Your mum has the power to change things for herself and your dad has the power to change his life. Although really frustrating, you can only change your own behavior. You taking any responsibility for this situation just makes you feel guilty and frustrated, there is no benefit to anyone. Rather than finding a way to change the situation your time would be better spent talking so someone about how to reframe your own experience and manage the negative impact this is having on you

Co-codamol is totally ineffective for pain management long term, and 8 a day (the max) won’t be doing her liver any good in tandem with alcohol.

sorry, posted too soon. Have relative like this of similar age - sadly they will do absolutely nothing to help themselves improve their health - looking for a magic pill from the doctor to make it all better. I would focus on helping your dad. She’s likely a lost cause sadly.

@DiddyDi That's awful for your friend, and her dad. But thank you enormously for a pragmatic and kind response.

That's genuinely helpful. Yes, a cleaner would be a good idea. And anything to help prevent him getting isolated, if that's how things turn out.

If my dad wasn't around, I am sure my mother would expect the same as your friend's mother did! I have already made clear that that will not be happening, and my dad agrees.

Astonishing. Double hip replacement but you think she's on a con. The NHS don't do those operations for a laugh you know.

You sound horrible. The NHS don't just replace hips and knees willy nilly and because someone said so.

@Domino20 ... I'm aware! The written word is hard to interpret! The point is... rather than just wait she's constantly chasing ,, refuses to do physio, help herself! Instead of trying to lose weight, do the physio... she demands surgery.

I'm undergoing investigations for cancer.. so she's been on to her GP for tests in case she has it!

Your dad doesn't have to be her FT carer.

Your mum is entitled to a care needs assessment and outside carers brought in.

It's bit of a vicious circle. If she's in pain then it's probably why she scoffs pills and why the alcohol is another crutch and why either/both are difficult to stop.

I'm sorry for both of you tbh. It's not an easy situation.

@AbraAbraCadabra of course I do! No matter what is wrong with anyone ... she is worse! She's told the GP mum had glaucoma so she get free eye tests... mum never had glaucoma.

It's hard to explain and I know they don't just do surgery for no reason ... there's no real evidence she needs new knees... but she wants them!

YYY to this.

We will look into this – thank you. Definitely good to be aware of for future.

The combination of alcohol and codeine means your mother is living life in a haze. She will have zero motivation for anything at all and will feel like she's walking through treacle when she does anything physical. There is no chance at all you're going to persuade her to do anything at all while she's floating through her life like this. Unless she decides to give up alcohol and come off codeine, honestly..? You might as well give up, and comfort yourself with the thought that she probably feels relaxed and a sense of wellbeing at least. I'm sorry. It's hard to watch.

The only person in this situation with any leverage is your father and it sounds like he is unwilling to change a situation that has probably been going on for years and has got worse.

It sounds harsh, but the parent who enables unacceptable behaviour in a spouse and puts that above their responsibility to their children is too common. I was bought up in such a situation and it took me a while to realise that the person who looks like "the good guy" was not, just very weak.

I would take massive steps back OP.

I have alcoholic family members. You can't do anything.

Your dad is a grown man and if he chooses to stay in this, that is his choice! I would continue to let your dad know that you will support him in leaving and setting up on his own if he ever chooses to do that. You have then done everything imaginable to offer support in the right place without this negatively affecting you.