Have I said the wrong thing?

[Loulou560]

Hi
Told my DP something today he’s taken the wrong way, and just wondered whether it was inappropriate? He has a big debt problem he hid from me until I was pregnant with DC2. He is finally sorting it now a year and a half later and I made a comment that I won’t apologise for asking him about what he’s doing as he dropped that bombshell on me at such a time. I went one step further and said that maybe the DC wouldn’t be here if I’d known about it beforehand (meaning I’d have wanted him to fix the problem first before having DC, which I think is quite sensible) He stormed off as if I’d said something awful and now he’s blanking me. I think I told him as he needs to understand the situation he put me in. He may have thought I didn’t want them etc which is absolutely not true. I love them with all my heart. He didn’t let me explain, and maybe i blurted it out due to a lot of pent up pressure on me financially.
Have I said something awful which I can never take back?

So you own the house - does he contribute financially at all?

@TheShellBeach no, none of the debt is in my name, and he’s always tried to avoid me being linked to him financially for that reason. The deception comes in, as I’ve had to support all our outgoings for the last few years, so it affects me very much, but not my debt.

Sorry, your typo confused me.

@Peoniesinbloom sorry, all DP’s debt is in his name, but the mortgage is in my name only. I confused matters!

I'm very glad to read this as it puts you personally in a much better position. How have yous addressed his deception? Would counselling help?

He’s trying a bit of DARVO. Playing the victim to avoid facing his own wrongdoings.

Does it matter if he sulks or not? Understands what you mean or not? Makes you feel bad so you end up apologising? Sounds like you’ll stay with him anyway and continue to make excuses for his behaviour?

I hope one day you let him go.
He may try and claim on your house, so I would get some advice soon about that if you do decide to put him out.

Good luck with him OP.

@Gcsunnyside23 yes, we’ve spoken about how the deception happened. He got into a bad place after an injury and couldn’t work for a long time. He made bad investments to try and recoup earnings. I suppose I’ve never told him fully how it made me feel. We’ve had brief conversations but I didn’t want to go ‘over the line’ and make him feel worse, which is why I blurted out the comment about the children. Yes, I think counselling would give us a safe space to discuss matters and how to move forward. Not sure whether he’d be on board though.

You're like a person clinging to a life raft that is slowly going under water. Telling yourself you're not going to drown.

I can only agree with PP - really doesn’t matter what you say or how he reacts. You’re just lying down like a doormat letting him abuse you emotionally and financially while you cling desperately to him making every excuse for never the sun as to why it’s not his fault.

So we can give you our opinions and advice but unless you can see what he’s done to wear you down then you’re stuck in this cycle of abuse. Every valid point someone makes, you come back with an excuse to justify his piss poor behaviour.

And no counselling with your abuser will help - you need to open your eyes to the reality of his manipulation and abuse.

Your relationship is doomed. Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. You need to be very smart and make absolutely sure this man can never make a claim on your home. He is not a good person, and he's already shown you how nasty he will get when challenged about his wrongdoings.

We’ve had brief conversations but I didn’t want to go ‘over the line’ and make him feel worse

You were changing your behaviour to avoid his. As PPs have said, he has trained you to behave and think the way you are.

Yes, I think counselling would give us a safe space to discuss matters and how to move forward. Not sure whether he’d be on board though.

You would be much better having counselling by yourself. You need to build up your own strength and start seeing this man's behaviour for what it is. If he does deign to have joint counselling I strongly suspect he will lie and try and make everything look like your fault. And it is quite possible that the counsellor will believe him because he's already proved himself to be a very good liar.

I get it, you sound like me when I was married. Thinking about him and the problems all the time, trying to work out a way to fix it. He doesn't want it fixed. He's choosing to do what he's doing. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's very difficult

He is still hiding things and deceiving you. He may be continuing to incur or even increase debt- reality is unless he’s transparent with you you won’t know. Also I would be questioning where the money went to

you are in a strong position that the house is solely in your name and his debts are not linked to you. My advice would be to leave him. He is always going to be hiding things from you, he is always going to be critical of you, he’s always going to emotionally manipulate you so you keep quiet and he can do what he likes.

please leave. He is abusing you.

Why are you clinging on to him?
What is he bringing to the relationship
House is in your name and you are paying the bills.

why are you so desperate to marry this man as per other threads OP

i really do not get it

Jesus Christ. I agree about you choosing to drown, firmly clinging to him like a life raft that is sinking and yet you are a perfectly competent swimmer that refuses to just let go and save yourself and your kids.

Oh god please don’t marry him.

So he's finally sorted out a better solution which will help deal with the debts but you're still bashing him over the head about it and won't let it drop?

sometimes i do wonder about posters and how the heck they get on in life

this being one

Are you for real?

Yes his solution is to be an abusive cocklodger - what a catch he is

i have just come across this poster on another thread

Something very off about them

best ignored / ridiculed

What made him finally start sorting things out?

'I went one step further and said that maybe the DC wouldn’t be here if I’d known about it beforehand'

What he will have heard is: 'I regret having children with you because I regard you as a failure'

So, yeah, quite hard to come back from that.

Thank you for your replies.
Lots of very different views. Some showing empathy for DP but most baffled why we’re together still.@EcoChica1980 that’s what I’m worried he heard, which is certainly not the case if he lets me explain.
@Watchkeys i told him I saw the letter on his car seat threatening to take him to court and unpaid parking fines. I think this prompted him.

a bit more than “baffled” op

it sounds bloody awful