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Original poster

Separate Homes

38 replies

TheHopefulMum · 24/07/2024 07:49

Hi All. DP and I have been together for almost a year. Both have children from a previous relationships.

I own my own home and he currently lives with his parents while he saves for his own place.

The topic has come up of living arrangements this past weekend and honestly it has thrown me. Following a very abusive relationship I have been very happy to live just me and the children. DP has met them and stays most weekends but for the most part I am in what I feel is a very good routine and can't honestly imagine having someone else live with us full time. I love DP very much and it's nothing to do with him it's just how I feel at the moment.

Distance is another factor, he lives almost an hour away, and the commute daily for his work would be problematic long term if he lived with me.

Despite all this I can't help feel a little sad that we may never get to live together as one unit. I think our current arrangement works well, although I do also think it's silly for him to pay out extortionate rents when he gets his own place when he could move in here.

Does anyone have a relationship where you live separately long term, and does it work?

OP posts:
Runninghappy · 24/07/2024 07:53

You haven’t been together a year and you have children! Slow down.

jubs15 · 24/07/2024 08:49

I have become very used to living on my own and I have no wish to live with someone again. My past relationship was 5 years and neither of us wanted to live together. I know a few other people who've chosen the same path. If both parties are happy with the arrangement to keep some independence with their own homes, then who cares about norms or what others think?

Deadbeatex · 24/07/2024 09:07

I feel the same as you, I'm not currently in a relationship but I can't imagine ever living with another man again, I just don't want to 🤷🏼‍♀️

BigDahliaFan · 24/07/2024 09:12

Runninghappy · 24/07/2024 07:53

You haven’t been together a year and you have children! Slow down.

I’d say this too. I lived in my own house mostly for the first 3 years with DH, he was new.y single, had 3 kids and was keener for me to move in than I was. It meant he could develop a rhythm of being with the kids…

slow down there’s no rush.

BigDahliaFan · 24/07/2024 09:14

Also he’s likely to get more out of living with you than you are out of it…

also…it’s easy to move from from one abusive relationship to another…just saying that boundaries can be difficult till you’ve got your head straight. He might be lovely but have some time on your own.

Cloverforever · 24/07/2024 09:16

I've been in a relationship for nearly seven years, living 50mins apart like you. I don't think I will ever live with a man again. I love living by myself.

Just because it suits him, doesn't mean you have to move him in.

Sunsparkles · 24/07/2024 09:24

I have a similar situation, but am another year down the line from you. While the kids are small(ish) we have decided to LAP (live apart together). At first I was really disappointed even that it was a suggestion, but the longer we've been doing it the more I've adapted. It's very much against the "norm", but that's not to say it's not right for your situation. I appreciate the essentially three lives I get to live - time on my own when my kids are with their dad, quality time with just me and my partner, and time with just me and my kids to parent them and focus on them the way I want to. Not saying it's easy, it takes a LOT or really great communication to stay connected with my partner, but I view that as fantastic ground work for our future, we're making a really solid foundation for a future living together (or not) whenever that time is right for us, our children and our wider circumstances.

Embrace it, and own it, it's your life, and yours and your partners relationship. Do what feels right for you both, but allow yourself to understand that if you and he want different things and can't compromise then it's not the right relationship, no matter how much you love each other xx

Original poster
TheHopefulMum · 24/07/2024 09:49

Thanks all. I completely agree that I don't want to rush in to moving in together, but equally I don't want to spend however many years with someone who may ultimately want different things to me.

I'm not in a place emotionally or mentally where I want to live with someone and I also wouldn't want to once again rush in to something and for it not to work.

I guess I'm just trying to think if this is going to work long term really.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2024 09:55

Do you want him there every weekend? How do your kids feel about it?

They say no one falls in love father than a man in need of a home so while I’m sure he’s very nice, be cautious if you feel he’s pushing for more or quicker than you want.

ABirdsEyeView · 24/07/2024 10:14

I think it's very unfair on kids to have another adult and their kids move into the family home. And unfair on the kids being moved in, frankly. I think kids are entitled to their own space and time with their parent and not have another family foisted on them. Too many adults are thinking about what they want in stead of what will make their children happier.

If adults conclude that living together really is best, it ought to be done over a long period of time when all the children are fully in board.

So imo, living apart should be the norm and not seen as unusual or a sign of a relationship not working - it really is just putting your children's best interests first.

A year is really not enough time to be living together. And you will only know for sure if he is actively choosing you, once he has a home of his own and it's clear he isn't benefiting from living with you. Sorry to sound harsh but a lot of men will go for a woman whose set up makes his life easier. A year is too early to tell.

Original poster
TheHopefulMum · 24/07/2024 10:15

He stays most weekends around work commitments and my children love having him around. They are also with their dad every other weekend so they aren't spending ridiculous amounts of time with him. He met them after 8 months and after many discussions to make sure everyone was ready.

He is absolutely not pushing to move in with me, but has suggested that we find somewhere half way, which I have refused as financially and logistically it just doesn't make sense for me and my children.

I hadn't thought much about the living situation until he raised the matter as I am happy with how things are right now and thought that he was too, which I think he is but we were discussing more in terms of how would it work long term, assuming we remain together.

OP posts:
ABirdsEyeView · 24/07/2024 10:21

Seeing your dc every other weekend isn't the same at living with them ft. You don't know how yours and his kids will gel.
If this was me I'd say that I didn't want to live together until the children were grown.

I think not living together has so many advantages - you get to date each other, not be sucked into boring domestic routine. Your home will be as you like it and you don't have to take another adults decor or habits into account. You get to duck all the step family issues, which cause conflict for so many couples. It seems to me like the perfect set up - all the romance and none of the slog.

seethingmess · 24/07/2024 10:23

You need to be careful that your house isn't used as somewhere he can bring his children at weekends. It seems to happen so often that a man with children who can't afford his own place, finds a girlfriend with her own house and expects her to host them all.

I'd be cautious given his situation. You don't want to foist another family on your children in their home.

LBFseBrom · 24/07/2024 10:26

Runninghappy · 24/07/2024 07:53

You haven’t been together a year and you have children! Slow down.

That is what I thought.

Give it another year before you think about setting up home together, op. I think it is fine that you live separately right now and you may well go on doing so for more than another year, even until your kids are adult.

Living with someone is not easy, at the moment you can please yourself. As for your boyfriend paying out rent, you said he was saving for his own place. Even if he rents, that is his problem, not yours. There's nothing wrong in paying rent as long as it isn't extortionate and the upside is he won't have to pay for repairs, etc. Plus it isn't forever, he will probably buy when he can afford.

Please don't feel pressure to have him move in with you and your children, presumably he would be bringing his, at least part of the time, so you'd have a real houseful (American English). That would possibly lead to tension.

Long distance/non-residential relationships can work very well indeed (my son has one and seems quite happy with it as does his girlfriend), especially for those who have been in a previous relationship and have children. You will appreciate your time together more.

Things are OK at the moment and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It is still early days.

Good luck.

middleagedandinarage · 24/07/2024 10:35

I think you need to be very honest with him about how you feel, no point promising in a year we'll do x y z if it's not what you want.
If you both financially have the option I think it would be amazing for you to have seperate homes, I think it's great for all the kids, it means when your partner has his own children (assuming he has regular contact) they have their own space where they can spend time with their dad rather than probably feeling awkward being in your house with your family. Your kids enjoying him being around for the odd weekend is completely different to him living with them full time and also having his children there too. I think for your relationship it would be great too, so many times i hear of the strains of step parents/blended families, you would really only be having the nice side of it all

FloydPink · 24/07/2024 11:30

ABirdsEyeView · 24/07/2024 10:21

Seeing your dc every other weekend isn't the same at living with them ft. You don't know how yours and his kids will gel.
If this was me I'd say that I didn't want to live together until the children were grown.

I think not living together has so many advantages - you get to date each other, not be sucked into boring domestic routine. Your home will be as you like it and you don't have to take another adults decor or habits into account. You get to duck all the step family issues, which cause conflict for so many couples. It seems to me like the perfect set up - all the romance and none of the slog.

Conversely I think living together takes some pressure off like seeing that person as they are, having a hug whenever you want one.

also the financial impact of 2 houses v 1 house.

for me it would be a deal breaker in a relationship so best to see what he wants to avoid wasting both your times.

BigDahliaFan · 24/07/2024 14:57

Conversely I think living together takes some pressure off like seeing that person as they are, having a hug whenever you want one.

also the financial impact of 2 houses v 1 house.

for me it would be a deal breaker in a relationship so best to see what he wants to avoid wasting both your times.

Yes, but not I think when you are factoring 2 sets of kids into the equation.....

BigPussyEnergy · 28/07/2024 21:07

I was with my ex DP for 10 years without moving in together. We discussed it and looked at options a few times but it became clear that our clashing parenting styles would have caused huge issues. We split a few times over that period, the first after about 2 years, and I’d have hated to have felt trapped with him at that point. As it was we found our way back together but that was through choice not practical necessity.

Please don’t make your DCs compromise by living away from friends and having to share their space with unrelated kids who they may never see again if you split up. Enjoy your family, and your relationship separately, families can come in all shapes and sizes and there’s nothing wrong with managing yours for the benefit of the children rather than to save adults money or allow the parents more time together. I’m pretty sure the extra stress of sharing housework and parenting would quickly outweigh the benefit of more time together. I certainly have no plans to move in with my next partner while our DCs still live at home and his has SEN so that could even be forever.

Vonesk · 28/07/2024 21:17

For a man its called ' Having your cake and eating it too .' if this isnt what you want , dont do it. I dont think long distance really works. Its like No - mans land. Confusing. Like ' Am I a Wife 0r not????? Do I play hard to get or mother?????

RoachFish · 28/07/2024 21:24

Does your kids get any quality time with just you? If every other they are with their dad and the other weekends your boyfriend is there then that just leave weekday evenings to have you on their own. I think you have moved way too fast. Enjoy your kids and worry less about what your boyfriend wants to do.

Tarquina · 28/07/2024 21:26

My sister has been with her partner for 35 years this month and the whole of that time they have lived 10 miles apart each in their own house.

RuthW · 28/07/2024 21:37

We are married and have separate homes. It works for us.

SamW98 · 28/07/2024 21:42

My sister was with her partner 18 years, they share 2 daughters and they never lived together.
I used to think it was a bit strange now I think it’s the way to go.

I know for a fact I would never ever live with a man again. I couldn’t bear having someone else in my space all the time and no way could I share my bed every night.

MrsTartanTeacosy · 28/07/2024 21:49

DP and I have been together years and are very much in love. We live in the same village, literally one minute away from each other, this works fantastically.

Bananalanacake · 28/07/2024 23:01

I had 3 serious relationships before I met DH, with each of them I was very clear about not wanting to live together, couldn't bear the thought of a man hanging around my personal space all the time.

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