Separate Homes

[TheHopefulMum]

Hi All. DP and I have been together for almost a year. Both have children from a previous relationships.

I own my own home and he currently lives with his parents while he saves for his own place.

The topic has come up of living arrangements this past weekend and honestly it has thrown me. Following a very abusive relationship I have been very happy to live just me and the children. DP has met them and stays most weekends but for the most part I am in what I feel is a very good routine and can't honestly imagine having someone else live with us full time. I love DP very much and it's nothing to do with him it's just how I feel at the moment.

Distance is another factor, he lives almost an hour away, and the commute daily for his work would be problematic long term if he lived with me.

Despite all this I can't help feel a little sad that we may never get to live together as one unit. I think our current arrangement works well, although I do also think it's silly for him to pay out extortionate rents when he gets his own place when he could move in here.

Does anyone have a relationship where you live separately long term, and does it work?

Together but living apart has a lot of advantages. If it wasn’t for the cost of running two households I bet it would be far more popular, and there’d be far more harmonious relationships!

But, it’s far too soon to have him staying every weekend for your children’s sakes. This isn’t just a dig at you OP but what is the rush?

Thanks all for your input. It's really encouraging to hear so many couples manage a relationship where they don't live together.

I'm not going to go in to detail, however DC's are more than happy to have DP here and they have lots of time with just me as he generally only stays the Friday eventing when it's my weekend as his weekend with his children falls on the same time. My DC's have a relationship with their father, however oldest DC and dad's relationship is quite strained and DC's have formed a great bond with DP and often ask for him to be around more and bring him in to conversation etc.

My main worry is as a relationship will it work long term not seeing each other much, however I am comfortable with this at the moment.

I think it’s worrying that your oldest child has created such a strong bond with a man you have been with less than a year and who has only known your children for 2-3 months. It’s great that they get along but it sounds like they are searching for a father figure and it’s far too soon to let him play that role. It’s just not realistic to think that after such a short time this man will not let your kids down and it also traps you in the relationship if your kids are invested.

I think many have missed this

He is absolutely not pushing to move in with me, but has suggested that we find somewhere half way, which I have refused as financially and logistically it just doesn't make sense for me and my children.

They've discussed it and it's not something that makes sense for her. Sounds like any pressure is from OP thinking she needs to conform to norms. Absolutely doesn't they just carry on as they are. He keeps saving and gets his own place wherever is convenient for him.

@TheHopefulMum I'm in a new relationship, after being single for 7 years. I have 2 DC, and my new partner us older than me (grown up DC).

I had never considered even having a relationship, I'd had one brief "fling" but then this happened and honestly, I'm blown away by it. I always thought if I did meet someone it would be a part time sort of thing with seperate homes. I didn't anticipate the feelings, or that I'd meet someone I'd want to live with. It's still early days, but like you I'm thinking of the future

I think moving half way is stupid too, just means everyone is inconvenienced instead of just one half of the family. Surely you pick the place where it is least inconvenient for most of the people and the ones who have to travel a bit maybe get a bigger room/pay less towards bills to account for extra fuel/do fewer chores to account for commuting time etc.

Your main worry should be the effect on the children if you break up because you both want different things

I completely agree. My DC are with me full time and my family are local to help with wrap around care etc. His DC are with their mum FT and as such I think it it does come to moving in together or makes more sense for him to move here as opposed to up route our lives (which I would do) just so he could have less of a commute.

It's not a sticking point for either of us at this moment in time but just something that has come up in conversation and got me thinking I guess.

My MiL meet her partner around 35 years ago. At the time my husband was just about to hit teenage years and she didn’t want to mix the two! Years later husband moved to uni and her partner moved to another village a little further away.

They have never lived together! They go on holiday and stay together most weekends and she/he leaves on the Monday back to their own respective homes. It works for them & they seem both happy!

My husband and I didn’t live together until 6-7 years into our relationship. I had young children and it just wasn’t the right time for us. I love living with him now 5 years on but god I miss separate houses at times! Ha!

We 'live apart together' - it has its pros and cons, but like you neither of us wanted to disturb our children as it would have meant compromising on the area and I love being local to the school and their friends etc.

As another poster said, it's nice having time just me, time just with the kids and time just with my partner. And also time with all of us - both sets of kids. But all these lives are a lot to juggle and that can be exhausting too, when I just want a hug at the end of the day or some practical help. It's fitting a relationship in around your life rather than it fully being part of one.

I've posted to ask about this before - can it work? The responses really helped me see it can. We will live together one day, once school is done, but in the meantime we just play the cards we're dealt I guess and appreciate what we have.

Importantly, it is the best thing for all DC involved. They love the set up, get on really well with him and his DC, but I know need the time as our unit and without the upheaval of moving (even if they don't consciously know it, as a parent I do!).

I've been where you are though and fully get the sad feeling of wondering if it can work or last without taking that step for so long. Ultimately though, this is by far the best, healthiest, most loving relationship I've ever had so for me it's worth the wait.

Do you ever have a weekend alone with your children?

Oh and we've been together 4 years for reference, on the whole it's got easier - I struggle at a year to imagine not living together for another 10! You'll go through phases though too I'm sure, it can be hard work at times but also means we really value our time together and don't take any of it for granted.