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Relationships

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Why did he treat me like a gf but never made it official?

46 replies

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 15:43

What does it mean when a man says I'm not his gf & we're not officially together yet after texting, calling, regularly seeing me, introducing me to his friends & close circle, buying me stuff and having sex for 4 months? Basically acting like a bf. We're both 20. During an argument about a trip he was going on I referred to myself as his gf and he corrected me. Sex happened only 2 times because I was a virgin & was cautious. He knew I was a virgin. Immediately after he was like 'even if you were my wife there'll be trips where I go just with my friends'. Umm.. I wasn't even his gf.. Mixed signals much? What the? He also called me wifey in the beginning but then said he'd be open to a threesome.. He apologized and never brought it up again after I got mad. He said in the beginning 'we will be in a relationship' & that he deleted the dating app. I took it as us being exclusive. He said he'd been with many women but that with me it was his 1st time having sex.. Sounds like bs. I doubt he was a virgin. He was also like 'I never felt so good with anyone before'.

We had some disagreements, I suspected him of being gay but he said he was straight. I also didn't want him to go on a 2 week trip with his friends to the seaside as he mentioned there'd be a club and drinking involved. They'd been doing this trip for years but still I found it hard to trust him, especially if he mentioned a threesome once. I said someone who loves his gf would take her on the trip with him. He disagreed & called me controlling. He said I was not his gf & that we haven't had that discussion. His reasons for not calling me his gf were that I didn't trust him, that we didn't have the official talk & that we weren't close enough to be official, weren't texting enough or talking on the phone, were seeing each other once a week or less (this is untrue though.. we were seeing each other usually 2-3 times a week). We were actually texting quite often & he was mostly texting first. I was usually the one arriving to him.. He also said a gf wouldn't make pretences & would ask if he was ok instead. He said it was too soon to say he loved me & that he needed time for love after I said if he loved me he'd take me on that holiday. I got hurt & unfriended him on one social media platform. I ignored him for 2 weeks but then came back with an ultimatum. He said 'after all of this I don't see the prospect of a serious relationship'.

I still don't understand why this happened. Did he change his mind about a relationship with me or did he never want me in that way? How can you turn someone off just because you were upset he was travelling without you all the time? Is that a reason not to call me his gf after everything we've been through together? I don't think he was multi-dating. We saw each other so often that I doubt he'd have time for that. I saw there were no other women he was entertaining on messenger. Now he's seeing someone else.

Did he want something serious but I ran him off or did he just want sex with no commitment the whole time? It really felt like we were heading towards something serious but he never took me off the market. Was he not that interested?

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 15:44

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BowlOfNoodles · 23/07/2024 15:44

You suspected him being gay? What?

courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 15:45

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courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 15:45

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Comedycook · 23/07/2024 15:45

To keep his options open...then if he shags someone else, he can say you were never an item.

courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 15:46

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Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 23/07/2024 15:47

I said if he loved me he'd take me on that holiday.

Really?? He did have a lucky escape.

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 15:48

From what I saw he wasn't entertaining anyone else though. Yeah, he had some feminine mannerisms & he was a bit cold and not very affectionate so wanted to clear that up. Ain't that a normal question these days tho? You never know..

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 15:50

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Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/07/2024 15:52

You sound incredibly young and immature.

You were controlling and jealous.

You need to calm it down a bit and not rush into things with inappropriate people.

usernother · 23/07/2024 15:54

All this official/not official/girlfriend/exclusive nonsense is just an excuse for people to be able to shag around and wait for something better to come along. It's so daft. He wasn't that interested OP and kept you dangling. Next time this happens tell them to do one.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 23/07/2024 15:55

Best chalk this fellow as an experience not to be repeated.
Trust needs to be established early on, in a good relationship each person can go on a trip on their own and still maintain boundaries with others and fidelity.

Coconutter24 · 23/07/2024 15:55

“I said someone who loves his gf would take her on the trip with him. He disagreed & called me controlling.”

Yes that is controlling of you. You said they’ve been doing this trip for years, whether your dating, gf or wife he shouldn’t have to take you with him just because he loves you, couples are allowed to do things separately. He shouldn’t have to take you because you don’t trust him

SonicTheHodgeheg · 23/07/2024 15:56

Some men like the chase. They enjoy flirting and lose interest once the girl wants to be exclusive. They want as much sex as possible with lots of girls.

If he was gay then a regular girl that he hangs out with might lessen teasing/suspicion from his friends. If his friends suspect he fancies another man then you are a good excuse that “disproves” it.

He keeps on texting you because he wants to keep you interested in him so that you’ll continue to have sex with him. Having a string of girls like this keeps his ego happy and becomes potential future booty calls.

I think he’s not interested in a relationship and that’s fine at age 20. there’s lots of messaging apps these days - messenger might be how he contacted you but he might have been speaking on other apps like WhatsApp or Snapchat where the messages disappear. Or he could have one of those messaging apps that disguises itself as something boring like weather or calculator. Not unheard of to have multiple social media accounts too.

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 15:57

How am I supposed to trust someone who mentions being open to a threesome on early dates?

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 15:57

It's difficult to know where to start.

If you're looking for a relationship, then have an exclusivity talk before sleeping together so you know you're on the same page.

You weren't in a relationship so he was under no obligation to take you anywhere. You don't have a right to tell someone that they can't go on a trip.

Being a bit effeminate (whatever that means), doesn't make someone gay.

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 16:02

cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 15:57

It's difficult to know where to start.

If you're looking for a relationship, then have an exclusivity talk before sleeping together so you know you're on the same page.

You weren't in a relationship so he was under no obligation to take you anywhere. You don't have a right to tell someone that they can't go on a trip.

Being a bit effeminate (whatever that means), doesn't make someone gay.

He mentioned he deleted the dating app. Imo that implies exclusivity so automatically bf/gf. Therefore, saying I'm not his gf is weird after having made a promise not to entertain other people.

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 23/07/2024 16:04

Lots of men who have been exposed to porn have a threesome fantasy, whereby two women fancy him exclusively (read the recent threesome thread, it’s actually funny).
That being said, if that’s not the type of sexual encounter that interests you, always make that clear, don’t be coerced.

cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 16:07

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 16:02

He mentioned he deleted the dating app. Imo that implies exclusivity so automatically bf/gf. Therefore, saying I'm not his gf is weird after having made a promise not to entertain other people.

You need to have an actual conversation or as you discovered, you get burned.

19lottie82 · 23/07/2024 16:11

OP call this quits right now. A healthy relationship shouldn’t have you questioning his feelings for you.

when you meet the right man, you will know.

ThatsCute · 23/07/2024 16:13
  • Find out if they’re gay before you have sex with them.
  • Ensure you’re exclusive before you have sex with them. Have the conversation first.
  • Avoid phrases like, “If you love me, you’ll do x.”
  • Don’t date guys who seem like they’ve been damaged by viewing too much porn (wanting threesomes, choking, slapping, spitting, calling you rude names, deepthroating, etc).
SamW98 · 23/07/2024 16:21

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5035131-should-i-stop-dating-him-or-am-i-overreacting

So you had doubts already after a month but you’ve continued in a NSA situation with a man you think might be gay.

It’s hardly star crossed lovers is it?

Bin him off and learn to trust your instincts and raise your bar

You’re very young - don’t get dragged into saying in a shit relationship just to have any old bloke

Should I stop dating him or am I overreacting? | Mumsnet

I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests a...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5035131-should-i-stop-dating-him-or-am-i-overreacting

Tcbay52 · 23/07/2024 16:23

SamW98 · 23/07/2024 16:21

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5035131-should-i-stop-dating-him-or-am-i-overreacting

So you had doubts already after a month but you’ve continued in a NSA situation with a man you think might be gay.

It’s hardly star crossed lovers is it?

Bin him off and learn to trust your instincts and raise your bar

You’re very young - don’t get dragged into saying in a shit relationship just to have any old bloke

I decided to proceed after he apologized & never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 23/07/2024 16:24

See this as a learning curve

If a man starts on about sexual fantasies on early dates that is what he is looking for, sex. Maybe with a bit of company rather than porn but it's still at the forefront. If that's not all you're looking for, move on. The world is a big an exciting place with many interesting things to talk about on early dates. If threesomes are coming up early it's for a reason. Not to sound prudish, flirting and sex are great but this was an indicator that the guy is still probably looking for something casual

If you suspect a man is gay or something similarly incompatible, move on. Don't have a row about it at such an early stage.

All this girlfriend/boyfriend/official/ deleting apps stuff is crap. You just need to ascertain at the start whether you're dating anyone else. In a genuine relationship you each won't want to see anyone else

Men need time with their friends too. Watch the 'only fools and horses' episode 'Jolly Boys Outing'. It was controlling to expect to be invited on his lads' trip. If you didn't trust him you should have ended the relationship, not invited yourself along as a chaperone.

You can't make someone behave the way you want, you can only respond appropriately even if that's by walking away

FuzzyStripes · 23/07/2024 16:27

So much wrong with your post and your viewpoint!

He didn’t give you mixed signals; he wasn’t interested in a relationship with you and made that clear. The messages and sex were to pass the time whilst finding someone he did want a relationship with.

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