Single parent, autistic child, new relationship, how to navigate?

[FanNotSpinning]

I posted this in SEN because the key point in this is that my child is autistic and so I really need advice from people who understand this if possible please. SEN board is quiet hence re-posting over here.

I have been a single parent for 8 years. In that time I've only very rarely gone out in the evening. One of my dc is autistic and he can't cope with me not being there and he has very strong evening routines that can't be done with anyone else.

He is also currently going through EBSA and has hardly been at school this year.

He has huge trust issues and he cannot cope with being lied to, or feeling like he is being lied to.

I did not expect to ever want to be with a man again and I was happy to dedicate my life to the dc for the moment. I have probably made a rod for my own back, but here I am so.

I recently met a man, totally unexpectedly, and it has developed into a relationship. Because of the evening issues we have managed seeing one another during the school day when all dc but autistic one are out. Autistic dc is 12 and can be left for eg. Me to go shopping, or for a coffee, so I have told him I've been out for coffee with a friend - not giving any details - or I've booked a click and collect instead if my usual in-person shop and taken the time i'd usually spend in the supermarket to see chap - so not technically lying as I am doing the food shop, but also not being open and honest.

I'm very much aware of the need to not introduce anyone until being sure it will last, and we're nowhere near there yet, but I am getting a bit worried that autistic dc will feel lied to whenever I do tell them, and will never forgive me.

Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to mess everything up

Sorry Op no real experience of SN but I didn't want you to go unanswered. You know your DC best, what would upset them more, you lying or you saying you were seeing a friend. At the moment it's a friendship so that's not a lie.

I was honest with my dd from the start, she was a bit older admittedly but far better that she knew I was dating or actually planning on dating because she hates secrets. Took her a few weeks to get that i wasn't going to just hang out with her always, however a good while ago now and she's now the one who is married!

The issue with saying I'm seeing a friend is usually I will say which friend, and answer any questions he might have. He always has lots of questions, I did have to lie and say it's an old uni friend when I told him I was having coffee with a friend.

So I don't think I can be partially honest really. And if I do tell him the friend is a man, and he asks if it's romantic and I had to say it was, he would be very very upset and try to prevent me from seeing him I think. He has told me many times that he's happy I don't have a boyfriend and if I did he would kill him 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

That's not an autism issue, that's a control issue. And you need to nip it in the butt before he gets any older.

Interesting. I mean, it is rooted in his autism and a deep fear of change but I take your point

It's not rooted in his autism, it's rooted in him being a male. You can observe the exact same behaviours and words in neurotypical boys of the same age. It's not okay for them and it's not okay for him to be speaking to and treating you that way.

Just to clarify, I am talking about him being upset about you being in a relationship and threatening to kill any man because he prefers you to be alone. The lying thing is rooted in autism and can be managed as such. But you cannot tolerate the controlling behaviours. It will only get worse as he gets older if you do.

I think you’re going to have to apart being more open and honest with him. Small steps that work him towards the idea of the boyfriend.
Stop lying about where you are going. If you’re meeting a friend, say that. Tell him it’s a new friend.
Unless you’re prepared to be alone always and put up with your own son controlling everything you do then you need to start at least trying to get him to accept that things change and life is not always the way he wants it to be.
The reasons for his behaviour maybe rooted in his autism and may alter the way you address the behaviour but it doesn’t change the fact that that the behaviour is unacceptable and unsustainable.

I have an autistic ds and everything was even more gradual than it usually would be with involving kids in a relationship. My DP was known as my friend and I answered any questions about him, he heard me on the phone to him sometimes, would eventually say hello on the phone well before any physical introduction.

Thanks / very interesting thinking points about control

Honestly, I think if I tell the dc that I have a new friend, and they know it is a male friend, they will know he's not just 'a friend' - they're all quite switched on. So once I say this the cat will be out of the bag.

I'm quite scared of trying to manage this and potentially handling it all wrong

@WhamBamThankU thanks - that is helpful. I kind of need a road map to follow because I'm floundering tbh 😭

I just tried to normalise him being a part of my life without physically being there.

This sounds tough! I am also a single parent and resonate with how hard it is to date with family support. My child is much younger though also suspected asd. I’ve found a lot of help through local support groups actually - is there anything like that near you that you could bounce ideas off other parents with autistic children? Eg there’s a few charities near me that run free training online as well as in person too. I’m sure you might have accessed support already but just in case

I would say to stop overthinking this and getting anxious about it. You are a grown up - you have deemed this man to be decent and it is something you have made the judgement to proceed with. As your DC struggles with lying I would be honest with him, in a child appropriate manner. Tell him you are having coffee with a nice chap and if he goes off on one you need to make it VERY clear that while he is your priority and his welfare will always be of utmost importance to him, you have the right to be happy and for grown ups sometimes this means finding a nice person to be with. Don't give any wiggle room - this IS happening.

I do know that his SN makes your DS much more dependant on you but he is still a child, at 12 he seems to be in charge and you're sneaking around Op because you're desperate not to upset him. He finds change very hard but some change is unavoidable, especially going into his teens. Are there therpies or groups that would give him coping mechanisms and thereby help you both?

I think what’s important is that you manage the change gently in an ASD appropriate way. The idea that you should not date anyone since your son has autism is a bit worrying. You haven’t done anything wrong here. As your son grows he may want a relationship and it’s good to model peaceful companionship for him starting with coffees, friendship etc.

And if I do tell him the friend is a man, and he asks if it's romantic and I had to say it was, he would be very very upset and try to prevent me from seeing him I think. He has told me many times that he's happy I don't have a boyfriend and if I did he would kill him

This needs to be addressed first. I do understand your situation, I have a ND teen myself. Your son regards you as his property, and your function in life is to serve his needs. As he grows up he needs to be gently empowered to manage without you and this will not be easy. He would be perfectly happy to be a 40yo man still being looked after by his 70ish yo mum who has nothing in her life but him, but it's obvious that's not healthy for anyone (though not yet obvious to him).

This is a much bigger issue than you having a relationship. I think you need the support of a Psychologist to help your DS through the gradual process of perceiving you and him as two free individuals with all thr love of a healthy mother-son relationship but without this kind of control and threat.

Meanwhile I think your answers to these things from your DS are:
Which friend are you seeing
(Use actual name)
Is it romantic?
I"d like it to be, but I'm not going to let it get romantic until you are grown-up enough to be ok with it.
If he was your boyfriend I'd kill him:
I can understand a child feeling like that. It's scarey to worry that your mum might love someone else. As you get older you won't feel the same. If you ever did kill someone or even seriously threaten or hurt them you'd go to prison so you mustn't think that way. Don't worry though I will always make sure you are ok.

My autistic children and my autistic self also struggle with lies or feeling like we are being lied to - we are female and not 'controlling' we have additional barrier to coping with transition, change, understanding social communication. When we are struggling our ability to cope with this is even further reduced.

Her son has EBSA, this suggests that currently her son is heightened emotionally and unable to process such information or changes as rationally as he otherwise may have done or take much longer to do so - not control because he's male.

This isn't just autism here. This is much more than that and isn't normal' autism behaviour whatever that is. I think you need outside help. By 12, your son should be gradually detaching from you anyway and not allowing you to have friends is not on. Do you ever have anyone back to the house, female friends? I would involve a psychologist/psychiatrist and your son needs to start understanding that you need your own life too apart from him. I think you need to normalise socialising for you both. Is there a hobby such as archery or sailing or something that you could learn to do together that is social in that you say hello, people help you, share a cup of tea but isn't teamy or too involved that you can do. He needs to realise that you can talk to other people, laugh, smile, be chatty as can he.
Good luck!

Oh and the telling lies is an autistic thing? Says who?

Absolutely not my experience personally or professionally

@soundslikebullshittome they didn't mean people with ASD told lies, they were referring to the Ops son hating people lying to him

This is helpful - thanks

Thanks - I don't currently have time for any more irl support options although I'm sure they probably exist. I have to look online right now though

This is helpful thanks

He's not in charge. If he was I would have just said no when my chap first made his intentions clear. I am 'sneaking around' because I have always read that children shouldn't be exposed to mum dating unless it's serious, and because I don't go out in the evenings and changing that would currently be too much I am managing things with daytime dates - because he is used to me going out in the day time from time to time.

I'm just worried about suddenly presenting him with a full blown relationship and him realising that this didn't just suddenly happen and feeling like he can't trust me any more