Single parent, autistic child, new relationship, how to navigate?

[FanNotSpinning]

I posted this in SEN because the key point in this is that my child is autistic and so I really need advice from people who understand this if possible please. SEN board is quiet hence re-posting over here.

I have been a single parent for 8 years. In that time I've only very rarely gone out in the evening. One of my dc is autistic and he can't cope with me not being there and he has very strong evening routines that can't be done with anyone else.

He is also currently going through EBSA and has hardly been at school this year.

He has huge trust issues and he cannot cope with being lied to, or feeling like he is being lied to.

I did not expect to ever want to be with a man again and I was happy to dedicate my life to the dc for the moment. I have probably made a rod for my own back, but here I am so.

I recently met a man, totally unexpectedly, and it has developed into a relationship. Because of the evening issues we have managed seeing one another during the school day when all dc but autistic one are out. Autistic dc is 12 and can be left for eg. Me to go shopping, or for a coffee, so I have told him I've been out for coffee with a friend - not giving any details - or I've booked a click and collect instead if my usual in-person shop and taken the time i'd usually spend in the supermarket to see chap - so not technically lying as I am doing the food shop, but also not being open and honest.

I'm very much aware of the need to not introduce anyone until being sure it will last, and we're nowhere near there yet, but I am getting a bit worried that autistic dc will feel lied to whenever I do tell them, and will never forgive me.

Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to mess everything up

Yes, all of my dc sadly do need a role model for a healthy relationship because the relationship with their dad was all kinds of fucked up

Yes, you are right that there is a piece of work to be done around me being a real separate independent human. That won't be quick, I've been through it already with my much older autistic ds1, though not in the context of dating, but that will not be achieved within a timeframe to be able to really inform this thing right now.

This is all useful ideas of what to say to him - although I don't think saying it won't be romantic until he is old enough to be ok with it is workable tbh.

I feel kind of selfish - I deeply care about all of my children's feelings in this, and I want to manage it right for them. But at the same time I deserve some happiness, I've been miserable for years and years (with their dad) and lonely for years and years and I do think it's important for me to give this a chance because it feels like a real thing to me. And I think that is ok as well? But I feel selfish for thinking this

My autistic children and my autistic self also struggle with lies or feeling like we are being lied to - we are female and not 'controlling' we have additional barrier to coping with transition, change, understanding social communication. When we are struggling our ability to cope with this is even further reduced.

Her son has EBSA, this suggests that currently her son is heightened emotionally and unable to process such information or changes as rationally as he otherwise may have done or take much longer to do so - not control because he's male.

Yes - you get it. Are you able to offer me
Any practical advice? (If you have the spoons though I appreciate the understanding in any case) @soundslikebullshittome

I do have people over occasionally and he struggles with it. Unfortunately it's not as simple as finding an activity or getting a professional involved right now but I appreciate the advice

I don't think saying it won't be romantic until he is old enough to be ok with it is workable tbh.

I was assuming this would cover you to continue meeting (romantically) without DS being any the wiser but with a cover story closer to the truth. When your DS develops the capacity to cope with the idea that you can date romantically, you can continue in exactly the same way for a few months with the only change being that you now admit these are romantic dates. The narrative for DS then shows friendship>dating>full relationship rather than zero mention to instant full relationship. Combined with constant reassurance that there's not a reduction in love for DS just because you love someone else too in a totally different way.

Your new man is going to need immense patience but if he doesn't have that he's not 'the one' and so best to keep to casual dating anyway.

I hope you weren't offended by my post @FanNotSpinning . I really meant that you're obviously trying to take your DS feelings into account but it's not leaving you much room to consider your own. Do you think his Dad being a poor role model has affected his view of men in general?

@OpizpuHeuvHiyo oh thank you for clarifying, I do have form for massively missing the point fairly often! That makes sense and is super helpful, thanks ☺️

@Daleksatemyshed I wasn't offended - I am here for advice and opinions and I am happy to have my viewpoint challenged. I think I did take it the wrong way, and what you say here makes much sense. Thank you.

I do think his dad has affected his view of men, yes. He pretty much hates his dad, with fairly good reason

My 12yo DS, also autistic, has previously said he'd kill himself if I repartnered. I understand that I'm pretty much all he has but I don't want him to dictate everything either. I explained to him that I'm not dating but it's because I don't want to, not because he doesn't want me to.

His hang ups are partly due to his Dad, whose new partner and her kids are his absolute priority.

I think having a healthy relationship is great to model for your kids, and your happiness is important too.

Honesty is crucial to my DS too, so in your case I would probably do exactly what you've done but I understand it must be getting hard to juggle.

Do you know anyone in a similar position that you could use as a reference point for your son? Is he too old/advanced for social stories? Perhaps you could introduce the idea gradually?

I've never tried social stories with him, I'm not sure how he'd react. I don't know anyone in a similar situation unfortunately and his only friends parents are still together.

I really appreciate the understanding from people who have similar kids. Ds is not a bad child, and it is probably my fault that he has developed this slightly possessive attitude towards me. I mean - he's not actually making a threat when he says he'd kill a boyfriend, he's just expressing how much it would upset him and we are working generally on ways that are ok to express big feelings as opposed to ways that aren't.

The children can know that you are dating, they just don’t need to meet your dates. That is the difference.

my child with ASD is incredibly intelligent. She would notice the change in patterns and ask to know why things were different. I’d rather get ahead of that.

Yes - this is exactly what I am thinking. I suspect they may already have noticed a slight change in behaviour.

How I will tell them, and keep it all calm I don't know.

I know that my son has a big reaction to changes or unexpected news, so I keep it brief and let him sit with it until he's ready to ask questions and talk about it.

The positive is that even if the kids have noticed something is going on, it's not really affected them iykwim? So there's no big change happening immediately for them, it's more the idea of sharing you. My son is very possessive of me and I've recently done a visual (visuals work well for him so I use them all the time!) with me in the middle and everyone and everything in my life: his brothers, my job, friends etc with little blurbs about each to show that it's more than just him I'm responsible for and that I have things that I need to do and also things that bring me happiness.

That's very interesting @TealSapphire thank you. I do do visuals for planning things, so I'll maybe try that.

Name changed for this as I wanted to add support. My DD aged 9 has numerous SEN including autism-type traits. I am separated from her father, who has regular contact but is emotionally very unreliable for her. I also have a new partner and we have been together for almost three years. I didn’t introduce him to DD for over a year as I wanted to be sure it was going to be long term; since then we have taken things really slowly so that DD knows she is my priority - at the moment he remains our “friend” and we are affectionate but not cuddly in front of her. He doesn’t stay over yet, and I stay at his when DD is with her father; I am also fairly circumspect to DD about what I have been up to when she is not here (ie I don’t always tell her I have been with NP - mainly because she is very fond of him and might feel torn about not being there herself.) I am happy with this pace and - thankfully - so is he; one of the reasons I love him so dearly is that he too wants DD to feel stable and secure with everything as well. I’m not saying that this is the “right” way, but it has worked for us so far. Good luck and solidarity - you clearly love your DS and parenting children with SEN can be really hard.

That's sounds difficult @FanNotSpinning. My mums autistic and she feels the same about being lied to.
In your case I think it's important to keep talking to him about you having needs just like him. Ie something along the lines of Maslows hierarchy of needs but at a child's level of understanding. Everyone needs love and belonging, and for adults this can mean a relationship. But if you tell him early on he can get used to the idea rather than feeling out of the loop. www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
I think the feeling of being lied to would be worse than the feeling that he must adapt to the idea of you having a life.
But it would be very important to have boundaries around it and not feel you have to answer all his questions as it is personal to you.

@FanNotSpinning that all sounds really hard work. Can you get some support with DS education needs as a first step? I don't think it's sustainable long term for you to be tied down 24/7 with a pre teen. You need space to be able to get on with all sorts of things. Are council able to offer a tutor? It sounds like all the focus is on you.

I think you should mention this person in the context of a friend initially & go from there.

I have a friend & her brother is mid-40s and still in his childhood bedroom. So if you're not careful you could end up staying single for ever.

@converseandjeans thank you, after a 2 years battle we are finally in the process of the EHCP assessment and I very much hope that a sustainable educational setting will come out of that. I do have an older autistic son who I thought for years would never be independent but he is now looking very much like he will be so I don't think I'm going to end up in the 40yo at home situation 🤞

This thread has been so useful. ❤️

I do think the dc have needed a lot of my time and attention but I also do think they are now old enough and most of them in a place where they can handle me being a real human with other needs than just being mum. Hope so anyway 🤣

I think perhaps you need to introduce the idea of a new friend and accept your son will realise it’s romantic and there will be upset from him. I think you’re looking for a way that it won’t upset him and I’m not sure that’s possible unless you carry on as you are for years. Which I don’t think you should and you’re right you do deserve happiness. I think the key is to not rush anything once he does know. He will need time to process and it is going to involve a period of time him being upset. However he has got to learn that you have a life too and that change happens so I think it will be good for him in the long term. As a parent of children with a range of additional needs including ASD I know the dread of anticipating upsets and meltdowns so I do understand it’s not that simple. Good luck though and please don’t give up on having a life for yourself.

Canhis school help? The SENCo may have some ideas with how to deal with the controlling behaviour, there may be PSHE lessons or 1:1/small group sessions that could help him. Does he have therapy/ play therapy? Could this be organised through school? Does he have a SaLT? They may be able to help with the language he uses to explain his upset and help him communicate his feelings around you/ your life/ partner.

@Taffydog ❤️ thank you

He hasn't been into school for months now, unfortunately, so no.

But I'm beginning to feel like this might be more doable, with getting all this input and advice. I do have family and friends around who understand his needs and are supportive so that's good. I guess it's lucky that it's summer hols so there are a few weeks where all other pressure is off, and since he's been at home for so long now it's not a massive change of routine for him like it ordinarily is.