Separated from DH and not sure what to do?

[jazzyjill]

I posted a week or so ago go but it was long winded so didn’t get a response. I’ll try and condense it down a bit. I’ve been married to DH for 8 years, I have 3 older DC (DD19, DD17, DS15) and 2 DC together (DS7 & DD4)

I argued with my DH a few days before we were due to go on holiday, resulting in him refusing to come with us and moving back to his parents whilst we were away. He has a long standing history of depression and anxiety and doesn’t do well with any conflict. On several occasions over the years he has gone back to his parents whenever we’ve argued. He lost his job on medical grounds approx. 6 years ago, his health is much better now and he has been looking for work for the past year. We’ve tried marriage counselling but he walked out through or first joint session, stating he wasn’t being heard.

Our arguments are typically around money, the older children and/or division of labour in the house.

He’s saying he wants time apart to think things through but doesn’t necessarily want to split permanently. He can’t give any timeframe as to how long he needs but feels it’ll be more like months instead of weeks!

Now I feel in limbo, I can’t raise any issue for fear of him never wanting to come home. Am I pushing him away by asking him to make up his mind? Or is he trying to push me into making the decision for him, he can say it was me who ended things? I don’t know what to do, if anything?

He is pushing you to making the decision. Ask yourself this. Have you ever felt the need to have a break from someone you really love and want to be with?

That was my response to him. I said the fact he needs to be away is all the answer he's looking for. He told me I'm speaking in "absolutes" and shouldn't push these things.

I feel so tired from it all.

There a book called the Empowered Wife, it’s worth a look.
I totally get that you are tired. Don’t give up.

I don’t think it should matter if he ends up saying you’ve ended it. I don’t think you have much of a chance of a functioning relationship at this point, and he’s effectively ended the relationship, so it’s more of a technicality really. It sounds like everything has to be completely on his own terms - your relationship, counselling, his decision on whether to return and if so, when - or he withdraws to punish you and ensure he gets your compliance. He’s using his conflict avoidance and mental health issues to gain control and that’s very difficult to do anything about. You deserve better, OP, and your kids deserve to grow up without this as a dynamic. It’s a cliche, but it does help to get clarity - would you want your kids growing up and following either his pattern or yours in this relationship? He’s flounced out like a child; it doesn’t sound like you’re losing much by letting him know firmly that you will never accept him returning. He will probably make it all your fault, but you know better, and you will get to live your life without being controlled by a petulant, emotionally stunted little man. Honestly, he’s done you a favour here, I know it’s scary but it sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting anyway.

If I was advising a friend I would say please advocate for your own wants and needs, but when it comes to myself I'm practically begging for him to come home!

I don't know why I feel this way, but you're right, if nothing else it's not a good message for the children.

He sounds very selfish and immature. He’s using his MH problems to control and manipulate you. It sounds very unhealthy and really that you’d be better off out of it. It’s natural to feel very sad because this is not the outcome you would have chosen for your marriage.

What do your older children think? I know they are not his, so they may be biased, but my kids of this age are actually pretty good observers and quite wise. They may be able to shed some light for you on what your relationship is like with him: who is at 'fault' and where. If they are pretty unanimous then you can allow that to give you the courage you need. If they point out that actually, you have contributed then maybe there are things you need to change too.

Does he do much for your younger kids? It sounds like he's not currently working. What would life be like if he stayed forever with his parents?

He has checked out .. left you to take the kids on holiday , left you with the day to day …

If he came back you would go back to walking on eggshells .

I actually think in terms of bad examples allowing someone to make all the decisions in your life is a bad example .

Things were bad that you went to marriage counselling but he didn’t care enough about your marriage to go .

He has moved out for months at least … what part of that makes you feel wanted - makes you think he is working on your marriage . He isn’t working , I assume you paid for the holiday and he couldn’t make enough effort for the kids to go .

You say that most of your arguments are over money, your older children and the division of labour. These are all big important issues, so it's not like you're arguing over trivial things. If you can't agree on things like this then maybe it's best for all of you to split up. Don't worry so much about whose fault it is or whose decision it is. The key thing is the outcome. If you're not right together, then it's better to split. Especially as he walked out of counselling (not a good sign at all) and runs away to his parents when you try to discuss it.

I think you'll feel a sense of relief when you actually make the decision and can move forwards with your life.

why do you want him back?

He sounds like a burden to you and you're family. I think you should use this time to priorities yourself and kids.

He is unreliable.

I think you'll find sculpting a life without hi. easier. Speak to you're family and friends in real life for support.

What I'm getting from your post is this.

You have two small children with him and three older children from a previous relationship. (Is their dad on the scene?) You argue a lot about your older children so I'm guessing that he might not exactly be in the running for stepdad of the year.

You've had a relatively short marriage and your husband hasn't worked for most of that time. It seems like you've been the sole breadwinner for most of your marriage including potentially when you were on maternity leave with your youngest. Your youngest will probably be starting school in 6 weeks' time.

You argue about money and division of labour. I'm guessing the arguments about money have something to do with the fact that you are earning all of it? And the arguments about division of labour, what's the deal there? Are you asking him to do more housework and childcare on the grounds that you are working and he is not? Because that is only fair really.

He sulks, bails out on family holidays at the last minute, refuses to do marriage counselling, refuses to do any adulting at all in fact.

What are you doing for childcare over the summer holidays if he's having a prolonged strop at his mummy's house?

What is he bringing to the table in your relationship exactly?

what @MissScarletInTheBallroom said… 👏

What babyshambles said

Do not beg this man to come back, plan your life without him.

Ask yourself why you're so desperate to get him back home. What good things is he bringing to your life and your children's life? Especially your older children, are they as keen as you are to have him back? It sounds like his presence is causing difficulty. It sounds like he wants everything his own way and if he doesn't get it, he runs away to his parents to punish you. He's a selfish man-child and you need to think long and hard about if and why you should continue the relationship.

He is using you.

He uses his MH as a reason not to work.

What's the point of him?

How do your older children feel about him and family life?

Surely you'd all be better off without him.

The older kids generally do like him but there have been occasions when he didn't think I was strict enough. Particularly over lockdown he felt I wasn't firm enough with routine, but everyone was out of sorts and we had a newborn in the mix.

Money is an issue, he wasn't able to discuss finances for a long time so I managed them. Our bills are paid but there isn't much spare and I have utilised credit for bigger purchases, he now feels out of the loop. I undertook a large DIY project with an overall spend of £600 for materials. He said I didn't discuss it with him beforehand and he didn't think it was necessary.

I don't think I'm blameless by any stretch but I don't think any of this is worth separating over? He obviously thinks differently.

Stupid question but what's the point of him @jazzyjill ? What does he actually bring to the relationship? He doesn't provide financially, he doesn't provide support with difficult decisions, he doesn't provide equal division of labour around the house (I'm just assuming that's what the arguments were about here). He can't even provide certainty that he wants to be in the relationship at all!

Why on earth do you want to be with him?

You're looking at this from entirely the wrong way round.

Objectively speaking, from what you've said, nothing YOU have done justifies HIM wanting a separation. And he doesn't want to separate, actually, because he sponges off you and is incapable of looking after himself, so as soon as he's bored of sulking and his mummy and daddy get sick of him sponging off them, he'll be back.

The real question is, what has HE done to justify YOU wanting to stay with him?

What does he bring to the table, financially, emotionally or practically speaking? What does he do? What is the point of him? Why haven't you kicked him out? It seems like you're a single mother of six children right now, and the most annoying one doesn't actually have to be your responsibility.

Oh OP, I resonate with this so much. My circumstances aren’t the same, but the issues we have had around me being financially responsible for house maintenance and then him complaining that I’ve done something, despite me trying to talk to him and getting nowhere. The division of labour. The years I had of him going back to his parents after an argument. It’s so draining. And we don’t even have joint DC.

The fact that he keeps going off to his parents when you share children is terrible, and his parents should be having a strong word with him not just allowing it.
The last time my DH did it, I made it clear that if it happened again it would be the last time (and that was a long time ago). And highlighted to his parents that they were making the situation worse.

Realistically, he’s not supporting you in any way.

In your position, I would leave him be for now, don’t mention getting back together just say you accept he wants space, but make it clear that he has to look after the DC during the holidays, therefore he will need to make arrangements with his parents for them to stay over as well.
He can’t walk out on life every time it gets too tough, not when he has children. So yes, if he wants space from the relationship then fine, but he is still a father regardless.
Let him, and his parents, get a taste of what his life will be like in the long run if he wishes to continue this. And in the meantime you can decide whether you actually do want him back 💐

Do you actually want him to come home? What difference would him being back make? Would it be positive or negative?

I don't really see the point of him though. He's out of work, doesn't like talking about responsibilities or important stuff and runs the first sign of conflict. You can't rely on him for absolute anything and this sort of behaviour is unsettling for kids to keep witnessing.

For them I'd tell him to stay here he is, you don't want your children witnessing someone opting out of family life over and over again. Wtf do you want him back for?

I hope you wised up and told him to stay with his parents forever.

He’s saying he wants time apart to think things through but doesn’t necessarily want to split permanently. He can’t give any timeframe as to how long he needs but feels it’ll be more like months instead of weeks!
What do you want, and what's your timeframe?

Or is he trying to push me into making the decision for him, he can say it was me who ended things?
Are you trying to push him into making the decision? Would it be a bad thing if you ended things, and if so, why?

Do you like him? How is your life better with him in it?

You are in a limbo of your own making. This is who he is, he doesn’t want to be different, isn’t it time you accepted that?

Nothing you have said on your posts OP give any reason to keep this useless mood hoover in your life.

Seriously, what does he actually bring to the party?

If the trash has conveniently taken itself out, I think that rather than trying to work out your relationship rescue plan, you now need to dust yourself down and get ready to squeeze the juice out of life for YOUR benefit.