Separated from DH and not sure what to do?

[jazzyjill]

I posted a week or so ago go but it was long winded so didn’t get a response. I’ll try and condense it down a bit. I’ve been married to DH for 8 years, I have 3 older DC (DD19, DD17, DS15) and 2 DC together (DS7 & DD4)

I argued with my DH a few days before we were due to go on holiday, resulting in him refusing to come with us and moving back to his parents whilst we were away. He has a long standing history of depression and anxiety and doesn’t do well with any conflict. On several occasions over the years he has gone back to his parents whenever we’ve argued. He lost his job on medical grounds approx. 6 years ago, his health is much better now and he has been looking for work for the past year. We’ve tried marriage counselling but he walked out through or first joint session, stating he wasn’t being heard.

Our arguments are typically around money, the older children and/or division of labour in the house.

He’s saying he wants time apart to think things through but doesn’t necessarily want to split permanently. He can’t give any timeframe as to how long he needs but feels it’ll be more like months instead of weeks!

Now I feel in limbo, I can’t raise any issue for fear of him never wanting to come home. Am I pushing him away by asking him to make up his mind? Or is he trying to push me into making the decision for him, he can say it was me who ended things? I don’t know what to do, if anything?

From what you have written, the whole relationship has to be in his terms or he runs back to his parents. And that’s no marriage at all. You can’t keep letting him manipulate you into accepting far less than you and the family deserve.

He doesn’t work, but presumably also doesn’t do his fair share around the house and with the kids. He doesn’t want to engage in conversations to improve things, and gets his nose out of joint when you get on with it by yourself.

I am honestly not sure what he brings to the table, but I hope to Christ he’s an amazing shag because there is nothing else I can see from your post. He doesn’t support you, doesn’t partner you, doesn’t really do anything much.

So let him go. You already know you can do it without him. And no matter whether you’re the one who initiatives divorce, that doesn’t mean you’re to blame for ending the marriage. He’s had years to work on it with you, and he has actively chosen to leave every single time the going gets tough. You deserve better, and you will ultimately be happier without the dead weight.

Curious where this got to? Reading this I recognise my dad in some ways who is autistic. Hates it when a routine changes (why he wanted you to be strict with kids during lockdown), can’t handle conflict as its emotion overload and cant recognise / regulate emotions, so he would run away for a day to my nans. He would definitely feel unheard / misunderstood in many situations. Also doesn’t like holidays that much. Not caring towards my mum, can easily be without her without missing her. And depression bouts because struggling to fit in. I am absolutely not saying your husband is autistic. I just notice some similarities. I love my dad dearly, he is very reliable to me, always helps me with anything. He is just not an affectionate person and can explode at times, which is very difficult for my mum as she feels like he doesn’t love her. He lover her, I know he does because he does a lot for her, and us, he has provided for us all his life and gives my mum and kids so much freedom. He just doesn’t use words / physical affection and gets overwhelmed by intense emotions so withdraws (where most women want to connect). The question is: is it worth it to you, and can you accept this person. If not? Leave. It’s very hard for my mum, I wish for her sake she would have left (they talk about divorce once a year, it never materialises).. but for my sake.. I love my dad and I wish my mum would accept him more for who he is xxx