Husband issues

[belle1408]

I will try and keep this brief but would appreciate some honest opinions. I caught my teenage daughter vaping and took the vape off her. Stupidly I thought I would try it (I have always wanted to vape, stupid I know, but haven’t because of the dangers and what my husband would think). So I thought I would try hers and my husband walks in on me. I hide the vape but he sees a cloud of smoke and asks me if I’m vaping/smoking. I stupidly say no, you must be seeing things etc. After less than a minute I come clean, explains it’s my daughters and was trying it. Since then he has barely spoken to me and keeps saying about me lying to him and I made him feel like he was going crazy for seeing the smoke, how he would never lie to me etc. I know I shouldn’t have lied but it was a moment of madness in being caught. He’s making me feel terrible. I apologised for lying, said I was embarrassed at being caught. Not sure what I’m asking but he’s making me feel like the worst wife in the world.

I hate lying, but you came clean very quickly. I think he’s being harsh.

I agree with @DustyLee123 - he's dragging something on as punishment, when you came clean quickly.

My initial reaction was- well she lied. Any lie to me is unacceptable but then I read on and you spoke of being embarrassed. It doesn't excuse lying but i can see why you did.

Can you both take a quiet walk, have a talk ... find a way to bury it and move on?

You felt a bit silly and you told a little lie in nervousness I think. You really havnt done anything wrong. You are a grown up and if your want to vape you can. Is this how the relationship is ? Can he be controlling and make you feel bad for small things ?

He is controlling. Not long ago he went through my purse/handbag, my diary, tried to log into my Facebook and iPad etc and said it’s because he overthinks things. He always makes me feel bad for things and really drags things out. He’s very much the ‘victim’.

Have you tried couples counselling? Sounds like you don't have a safe place to express you're thoughts and feelings. To feel you have to lie, out of fear of his response, isn't a great place to be

We have had couples counselling a couple of times in the past. I’ve apologised and explained why I momentarily lied but he will keep this up for weeks.

He sounds abusive.... seek advice around your options, safely leaving maybe one of them

It’s not advisable to do counselling with an abuser. He does sound abusive. He is punishing you to make sure you know not to go against him. You’re a grown woman. If you want to vape you can. He has no right to tell you what you can and can’t do, husband or not.

He is abusive in some ways and I always make excuses for him, bad childhood, ex-wife cheated on him etc

@belle1408 lol arguing over a vape 🤷🤣 even your daughter vapes ! Such a silly thing for him to argue about . It’s not like you’re doing drugs, world war 2 problems . Tell him to grow up , even if you did lie , who cares ?🙈😆 it’s not you lied about something serious or important… god he must have some deep issues in his head .

Woooaaah. This is MUCH bigger than the vaping incident. Couples counselling won’t fix this. Why are you making excuses for him? Are you frightened of him?

He is controlling and punitive. You are in an abusive relationship. In these circumstances lies become a way to carve out a bit of freedom and try to avoid the weeks of consequences for the perceived wrongs. He has no right to control you and punish you and make a mountain of everything and create an atmosphere for weeks. Every time it happens you find yourself one step lower in his ladder and he will then deem necessary to control you more. It is a slippery slope, a miserable life and such a damaging dynamic for your children to look onto. Couple counselling is not suitable and reasoning with such a man is impossible but it is a full life on the other side. Reach out to DV organisations.

He does have major issues, it’s exhausting.

No I’m not frightened of him but walking on egg shells most of the time to avoid the situation of him being in a mood and not talking to me for weeks on end.

Yes to all of this. Thank you.

Wanted to come back with an update. Clearly in a mood about it as barely speaking to me and then today I get this text message -

I’m disappointed you lied to me. So blatantly. Then used the awful “don’t you trust me line”. At the core of our relationship is honesty. Always. I’m also surprised you were even vaping. Like I said, if I’d lied, I’d have spent ages apologising, lots of self reflection and disappointment. You swing it round and say “I didn’t lie for long”. Never wrong for long. And that’s the difference. That’s what frustrates me. I do something and I spend ages trying to make it up to you. You do something and it’s neither here nor there.

I’m so tired of it all. I can’t decide if he’s overreacting or I should be more sorry.

I don't think you should be more sorry. You are a grown woman and can do what you like. In a normal marriage, you would just do it and not feel the need to hide it. The real issue here is you tiptoeing around your husband. That speaks of his control over you.

I don't like lying but the problem is that you were too worried about his reaction to just be honest from the get go.
If couples counselling hasn't worked then maybe you should be reevaluating the relationship.

Thank you. He’s making me feel terrible. I replied saying I felt he was making too much of it and like I’d been sneaking around for months and this was his reply.

You’re changing the narrative. You made out that I was seeing things. I asked again and again. Then said ‘don’t you trust me’. You doubled down again and again. You lied. And I won’t apologise - our relationship survives on trust and honesty. I don’t care if you fessed up almost immediately. Had I not kept asking, you would have stuck to your guns. But there’s a clear distinction between what happens when you do it and what happens when I do it. You do it and we applaud you for fessing up straight away, we move on, and I become the one at fault. I do it, and I’ve broken trust. That’s all I’m going to say on it. I’m very much aware of the difference when I do something as opposed to you. All roads lead back to me, so that I become the one at fault. And that’s something I’m very aware of and have been for a long time.

i am so confused and can’t think clearly. I don’t know if he’s right or not. I allow him to control my emotions and I really wish it was different

FFS is he 12!
You tried a vape, you're an adult. You can do what the hell you like. Don't let him grind you down, you did nothing wrong here. Just to give you some context, my dh would have just laughed at me if that situation had occurred in our house. Be strong 💪

Just tell him you apologised and that you consider that the end of the matter. He can harp on about it for weeks but you will not answer or respond to petty texts. He's just enjoying having a stick to beat you with, it makes him feel superior. Sounds like he tries very hard to catch you out by checking your phone etc so now he has found a "lie" hes pounced on it and is going to ride it hard for a few weeks.

Let him be in a mood for weeks, its pathetic. You lied because he panicked you, in a split second your mind took the easiest route to what it hoped would be less drama.

So tell him to grow up and every time he mentions it, defiantly light up the vape and take a big smokey lungful (I have no idea if you do light vapes or whatever).

Stop allowing him to treat you like a naughty child. You are a grown woman and if you choose to smoke, vape, drink or take drugs, its ultimately your decision. He can have a view or opinion but its your choice.

“Never wrong for long. And that’s the difference. That’s what frustrates me. I do something and I spend ages trying to make it up to you. You do something and it’s neither here nor there”

But you haven’t done anything wrong. You are allowed to vape if you want to as a grown woman. Ok, lying wasn’t the best idea but you promptly admitted it and apologised for lying. That should be the end of it. He’s admitting that he’s not satisfied with that and he wants to punish you for an extended period of time because that will make him feel good. That’s f’d up. I think you should read the book, “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft and also join a domestic abuse page on here. This won’t get better. Abusive men don’t change. When you’re ready, seek help from women’s aid. When you’re ready to end the relationship, do not tell him as this is when women are most at risk. Get an occupation order so you and the children can remain in the family home and have him move out. Try and get a diary and fill in anything he has done and does going forward. It shows a pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour you can use in court, should you need to. Given that this man wants to punish you, don’t think he will make separation easy and will prob use the children as a weapon to further control you. Learn the grey rock method.

I can see why the lying would bother him. A little lie like that would upset me if my partner did it, and would upset my partner if I did it. Tolerance for lies is allowed to be different for different people.

Those taking the 'you're allowed to vape if you want to!' stance are missing the point. It's not the vaping he has an issue with, it's the lie and trying to make him believe that he was imagining something that was actually true.

It's not ok the way he's treating you as a result of all this, though. He's turning it into a stick to beat with, rather than something that gave him feelings he has to deal with. You're accepting that he's abusive, and admitting to always making excuses for him. Why do you do that?

This is very good advice and very much appreciated. Thank you.

I’m not 100 percent sure why I make excuses for him. I think because it’s the easiest option rather than face up to what is really going on.