Never thought it would be me

[DodgyFriend]

Hi,
Been married 23 years, married too young.
My DH seems to have had some kind of personality transplant in the last couple of months. Started with workmates, not getting along with them, became a bit obsessed with revenge on them and teaching them a lesson. Started vaping CBD to relax, didn't seem to be relaxing him to me.
Always had a bit of a temper, but it was manageable. He just became so angry and aggressive and a bit hyper at times. I thought it would pass, but the shouting has gone too far. At least once a day he loses his shit with me. We have 2 DCs 6 and 9, and they have repeated back to me some of the stuff he has shouted, like ' I fucking hate you' .
The last few days I have just kind of come to the conclusion that this is not going to change and I can't take it and its so unfair on the children.
When he snapped at me this afternoon, I just told him I've had enough, he lost his shit, said he'd be leaving he's had enough, should have done it years ago etc. I just said fine go.The children heard it all.
I'm so ashamed that this is what I've become and what this has decended in to. The Dc seem to be of the mind that he is a bit scary.
Am I ruining their lives if we separate. Is this enevitably going to have a detrimental effect on them?
I can't believe that I am writing this tbh.

Can he move out for a while? Perhaps some space will help. Could you also consider couples counseling?

If his behavior has changed quite suddenly it might also be worth him paying a visit to the doctor just to rule out anything more serious, eg a tumor.

It's great he's leaving, consider yourself lucky that is that easy to get him out. Many women have to be the ones to leave.

Children's lives are more necessarily ruined by their parents splitting up. In fact they can be improved by it, when the alternative is a lot of arguing and tension etc. My daughter was about 5 when her dad and I split and often says how she feels it was a positive thing for all of us (we co-parent effectively - she has excellent relationships with us both and probably enjoys more quality time with us individually because we are separated.

Having said all that, this is all quite new - separation may be entirely the right thing for you, given the behaviours you are describing, but don't feel you have to rush a decision (unless you are sure it's what you want). The change in your husband could be down to mental or physical health issues, or something external pressure you don't know of - it may not be a permanent thing?

Though even if it is, you are not obliged to endure horrible and even abusive conduct.

Would be move out for a bit to give you breathing space? Would that work?

Well done for standing up for yourself and telling him you've had enough.

Let him leave. In fact, encourage it. If he can't treat you with the respect you deserve then he can go. You and your children will be much better off without him.

Aggressive, toxic men cause untold damage.

And next time he "loses his shit" don't hesitate to call the police and tell them you are afraid of his escalating behaviour. You can also seek advice from Women's Aid.

Those poor kids. Get him out of their lives until he can control himself. Clearly he doesn't care about terrorizing them.

This is one of the hardest bits to believe...that he actually doesn't seem to care. It is not like him. His Dad had a rage problem and it effects him to this day.
He is just so volatile all the time, there is no chance to be reasonable

This is what I was thinking, but his anger towards me makes it impossible to even suggest a doctor

For the first time today, I totally encouraged it. I really just want him to go. I have a feeling though that there is some kind of breakdown on the horizon, but if I can't talk to him I can't help him

I feel this is the case, but I can't let this continue for the DCs sake. I do feel like I am just abandoning him when he needs help

I think it will damage the kids more if he stays. Just tell him to pack his bags and go as he has been thinking about it anyway. It's not like he is choosing you and the kids and fight for you.

If you stay with him then your kids will resent you forever.

Its time to put your kids first and stop thinking about just yourself and him, which is what you have been doing.

Do whats best for your kids and that’s letting them live in a home without someone with a short temper.

When my partner suddenly had a short temper and was really difficult to live with, it turned out he was having an affair. I guess he had to make his home life as bad as he was making it sound to the other woman and avoid any change of “cheating on” his mistress with me.

Ultimately, if your children are scared of him, he has to go.

Any chance he’s doing coke? Fits with the personality change and new rage.

Sorry that happened to you. Imagine having an affair and making your life a misery on top of that, to cover yourself, just awful. The selfishness of it!
Yes, I feel there is an underlying reason for it, not sure if affair is it, but there is something that has caused him so much stress he has kind of lost it. When he is nice with the kids he is mazing, but that us becoming less and less.
I think he feels there is a big world out there he is missing out on, but in reality, if he was free as a bird tomorrow, he wouldn't have the organisational skills to make anything happen.

I really don't know. Can't imagine he has the money for it, it would surprise not shock me though.
He has developed a constant cough though. Would that be Coke....I have a feeling its from vaping some kind of cheap CBD mix

He is abusing you and your kids. Why would you continue to allow them witnessing him shouting I fucking hate you. Whether he does, or doesn’t have Mental Heath issues is irrelevant to the damage he is doing to your children, First job of being a mum is protect your young.

Sounds like his personality has changed a lot. Could he be using drugs ?

No you're not abandoning him. You are protecting your children from his abuse and being scared of him. You are protecting yourself too.

If he needs help for a mental health problem or whatever else is causing this, then he needs professional help, and that is not something you can do.

As a daughter of divorced parents, I wish they’ve done it sooner. By staying, you’re teaching your kids it’s okay to be treated this way. Hugs to you and I’m sorry you’re going through this x

Oh my god, thank you. I think this is what I needed to hear. I think the fear of ruining their childhood is my fear, but staying in this situation is probably worse.

Op, this sounds really awful for you and your dcs.

I hope you can get him out so you can all have some peace from his dramatics. It is scary and unpleasant. Nobody should have to live like this.

Keep us updated. Wishing you the best.

Your DC are currently learning this is what an adult relationship looks like, do you really want them to think this is OK and grow up to be in similar relationships? He needs to leave, it doesn't have to mean divorce, you could do counselling etc once you've had a bit of space but you are damaging your children more if you allow them to live in this atmosphere and normalise it

You’d be surprised how many men have affairs and treat their wives like shit.

It’s better for kids to not to be brought up at home with toxic atmosphere.

You can’t change the other people’s behaviour but you can control how to react to it (do not put up with it)

Your job is to concern yourself with the mental and emotional wellbeing of your children, not to worry about helping him or abandoning him or whatever.

Do you really not understand how damaging all of that rage is, for them?

You say his father had rage issues. See how that happens?