Does your partner organise trips and dates?

[PurpleFuschia4]

As the title asks, does your partner ever organise trips out for the family or holidays, or dates for the two of you?

My DH doesn't and I don't know if I'm expecting too much or if it's "normal"? It's making me feel depressed and resentful. Especially as he still seems to be involved in organising monthly meetings with friends for a hobby he does.

We don't go on dates, despite ages ago (in 2022 i think) agreeing to do something monthly, unless I organise everything - when we go, where we go, what time, childcare... We've been on 3 dates in the last 2 years.

I organise all the holidays - research where to go, when to go, book it all. I even organised his annual leave so we get time off together because if I don't suggest dates for him to have off, he will simply book the majority of December off. He never initiates and asks me when I'm thinking of booking time off so he can align. I always plan my annual leave around the school holidays so we don't have to rely too much on childcare, he never does this and I end up feeling like I'm the sole parent.

He doesn't make an effort to suggest days out for the family or plan anything for us.

Is anyone else's partner the same? It's really getting me down as it feels like he just doesn't want to spend time with me or our family.

He does 95% of it. I never have time.

Yes, of course, he's a fully grown adult!

We have equal spare time so it's not a case of one being too busy to do it :(

Yes, but my husband is a perfectionist. He likes to organise things because he likes to have things his way. And I like to let him because I'm lazy and don't have the patience to make things his way. So if he wants to control the plans he needs to make the plans.

We do discuss things prior though. He'd never just be like 'we're going here on these dates. Like it or lump it.'

Yep mine does.
I probably do more, because I'm more future-focused and I like a plan. But she surprises me fairly often. It's nice. I don't think I would like it to be all one-way with me doing all the running.

I think though if you look between the lines the op feels as though he doesn’t do it because he just isn’t interested and that’s what is hurting her

There is a clear lack of effort on his part and a lack of get up and go from him particularly re taking you on a date

That is how I feel, yes.

He is always up for whatever I suggest. There's no issue of us wanting to do different things, but it feels like it's always me suggesting them and planning them.

If, for example, we haven't got anything planned and it's a nice day, I might say something like "I want to do something" and he will always say "sure, we can do whatever you want to do/go wherever you want to go," so I end up planning everything again. He won't say to me "it's a nice day, let's do x or y."

I wanted to get an idea of what is normal and whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill because he will say things like "you're in your organising mode" - not in a nasty way, but it irks me because I feel like I'm doing it because i have to, because if I don't we don't do anything as a family/couple, not because I am an organiser or a control freak. He's never really done it in the entirety of our relationship, and we've been together for nearly 20 years.

Missing some info here OP - have you ever told him “it annoys me that you are like X and forces me to be like Y - I would like you to up your game” and if so, what did he say? Just need to know what the communication has been thus far to be able to advise appropriately x

Mine is the same and I got very upset about it because he is more than capable of organising things he wants to do

but I have to accept it as he won’t change

Mine sometimes organises meals out & things like that

he now calls them “thank you events”

this is due to him having a playful jibe at the corporate crap my work put on

he says it’s just an excuse for him to take me out because he simply wants to

Yeah, we’re on a family holiday at the moment that he organised, however as he’s anal every second is accounted for with something planned to do. He’ll be crawling the walls on the holiday I’ve organised as I’ll decide the days plan over breakfast.

I've been married for nearly 30 years and the odd time I've made DH take responsibility for organising anything really it's gone to shit. Partly I think I'm a perfectionist and he is not. He is like Mr Bean and it all goes a bit tits up so I've stopped expecting anything. I know some will say this is weaponised incompetence. He is brilliantly organised for anything work related.

I would rather organise things myself and know it will be right. His saving grace is he gives no shits about money. He works hard and earns well and it's paid into a joint account. He had no idea how much the bills are but is happy for me to control that side of things. If you asked him how much is in the account he could not narrow it down from 10K or 1k or £1 to be honest!

I just buy stuff I know he likes for him and book holidays/away days where I know we will enjoy it and he is happy to go with the flow. Stopped getting cross about it years ago and make sure everything is what I want too. Once I stopped expecting anything to change I was much happier.

Not a 'handmaiden' just very practical and it was not worth the energy or angst.

Op no luck on this thread it seems! Many folk are happy to do the organising and I understand it to an extent but like you I am starting to feel those doubts. Maybe there is something bigger going on for us than in the other posters experiences

I do it all and most mum's I know do it also. I think some men are lazy and say they 'can't do it' which I think it's selfish and pathetic but that's my skewed view of men 🤣 No point in talking about it to them because nothing changes, in one ear and out of the other unless it involves something that they really want like sex or sport...

Mine never organises anything. It drives me up the wall. I find most of my friends who have kids it's the woman that organises everything, whereas with the child free couples it's much more evenly split.

Not sure if that's the normal or just my friend/colleague group.

I realised recently that I do most of this, and have in every relationship I have ever had, either with men or women (I am bi).

I also tend to be the booker and organiser in my friendships too, so possibly I do have a slightly controlling nature? My work also involved booking and organising events - I am fairly good at it I think and enjoy it.

HOWEVER, I do feel slightly resentful that it ALWAYS falls on me and my partner never does it, to the extent I am thinking of raising it with him as something I would like him to address. We are both pretty good at working on things like this, providing they are raised in the right way - so it doesn't sound like a criticism or nagging, but more "it would make me even happier if you could sometimes do X/z/z...."

I think if one person usually does something, it's quite easy to assume that they like doing it and are happy to keep doing it. So if you want that balance to change slightly, you probably do need to ask. As a life coach once said to me, most people in a relationship will be willing to try to do things differently (within reason) once they understand what is needed. And if he isn't willing to even try, that's when you know he doesn't really love you..... But only after he has first been given the chance to put it right.

Good luck!

Yes my DH is the same and we've had many arguments about it but it never changes. He will literally just sleep all day if I've not planned anything for the weekend. It's like there's no dreams or plans in his head at all. The arguments tend to arise since having kids because organising days out and holidays for everyone is a huge burden. I spend a lot of time and energy on it even though we both work the same amount. The pressure is all on me for the tickets, timings, budget, whether I've picked things everyone likes etc. It also is depressing to live with someone who doesn't care about what we do as a family and who has no enthusiasm or passion for life. I mostly cope by taking the kids away on my own so at least I don't have a sulky third child with me complaining, losing his ticket and stalling over booking leave.

I got very resentful in my marriage. Left to my ex, we wouldn't have gone anywhere or done anything.

I've done loads of stuff since I left.

I regret to say it but I think it’s a common problem.

I have it in my relationship, “what are we doing tomorrow?” is what I get. (I don’t effing know. Stick a pin in the map and I’ll take you there.)

My daughter has the same issue with her husband. She doesn’t mind too much because she gets to control what/where etc and DH just tags along which he doesn’t mind.

No. He never has. He's happy to go nowhere but I've taken him around the world!
He's great when he's there and will do lots of driving and even suggest places on holiday but has no desire beforehand.

My DH (24 years) was much better when younger and pre-kids but since having kids I've ended up organising everything & yes it drives me crazy sometimes, other times not so much. He says I'm a control freak but I think that's just an excuse. He'll quite happily announce he's off on his bike as nothings happening at the weekend but not think to suggest anything. He's otherwise a great husband, works extremely hard in quite a stressful job whereas I'm part time & I think this contributes to his lack of decision making in the family. Keeping my fingers crossed he'll pick up again in retirement.

My husband is exactly the same OP. He has organised One Weekend away in 20years.

99% of the time I'm the organiser in this house, but we both know this and it's part of our division of labour. There are other things in which I'm completely uninvolved.

But then DH is ND, has always known he's crap at this kind of thing and is profusely grateful for the fact that I do it. He also really enjoys family life stuff, and knows he'd get a much less positive experience of it without my organisational labour. I think it's the lack of recognition and balance that a lot of women struggle with.

Nope he never organises anything. We wouldn't ever go away if it's was left to him. He would probably eventually suggest walks if I stopped deciding what to at weekends but he would never suggest anything that involved any organisation and taking lots stuff like a day at the beach.

It is frustrating having to sort out anything we do as a family but I suppose I try to counter this with reminding myself of all the things he is good at doing. There's plenty of things that I'm not good at or don't particularly want to do either! It's about balance.

I used to have this with my ex and it was a real struggle. When we started he seemed to have interests (had just bought a magnet fishing kit which we laughed about because I had the same one in my basket) then as the months went by he seemed to just want to do the same dog walk near his house, begrudged driving anywhere new, I had to book and plan weekends and activities and suggest food to take and buy tickets... By the end I felt like I had a teenager along for the ride who was at times helpful but not really up for it. The lack of imagination irritated me as well as the lack of effort. If I didn't plan something we would be stuck in watching football, doing the same dog walk again over and over and over. When he told me he didn't want to do any travelling and hadn't really thought about what he would do at retirement (45yo) but would happily "just do what I do now, even down to the same dog walk" it made my head explode a little bit. At least 20yrs of a 2 mile walk on repeat was all this guy wanted to do. I mean it's great he was easily pleased but it's not a commitment I could make.

I spoke to him in the end and he said he simply didn't need "excitement" like I did (leaving the house counted as excitement). He was never going to willingly plan experiences because he was happy watching TV. Have a chat and try to figure out if there's a way forward.