BF and ASD child - I feel torn

[SallyGetYourGun]

I’m 44F with an autistic 12 year daughter. It’s really hard and she’s been self harming but thankfully that seems to have stopped/is under control. She sees a psychologist. My boyfriend of 6 years doesn’t live with us. He has two children, 13M and 8F. We’ve been talking on/off about buying a house together in the future. His kids are not SEN, they’re loud and when they’re here, my daughter just retreats to her room. My daughter takes up so much of my time and energy. She doesn’t see her own father and she’s with me all day. She has no friends. She attends mainstream and the EHCP application is in process, ideally I’d like her to go to as ASD school, but that’s another post. She’s completely overwhelmed by mainstream and she hasn’t been able to attend since February. I work full time from home. It’s hard trying to educate her in the day and catch up on my work in the evening.

My daughter comes first and if she’s overwhelmed or overstimulated, we’ll leave whatever it is we’re doing. BF makes his disappointment known. He’ll audibly sigh and ‘deflate’ and sort of look away to show indifference and say “fine” in a petulant way in the moment. For example, we went to the beach on holiday, daughter was really struggling with the sensory overload and I said I’d take her back, no problem, he can stay with his kids. He sighs and says fine/OK. But clearly he felt hard done by as we didn’t have the perfect family day out. A bit later on he tells me he does understand and he sighs because he cares and is disappointed. But in that moment I don’t feel supported, I feel like it’s me and my daughter against the world and he’s not on the team. His kids eat with their mouths open and that’s horrible anyway but it’s a huge sensory trigger for my daughter, all the wet squelchy eating noises. I’ve asked time and time again for him to speak to his kids, I’ve asked his kids to please stop it. They don’t, so we end up leaving the dining table even in our own house. She has to wear noise cancelling headphones when they’re with us. He sighs when I bring it up. These are just little examples but they, plus more things, happen a lot. Post annoyance, when I’ve spoken to him, he just says he can’t control it in the moment, he doesn’t know he does it so how can he stop. I always speak to him when he comes across as being annoyed or disappointed and it bothers him that I pull him up on it but I can’t not say something as I’m not a walk over and no one gets to eye roll me at a situation that I can’t control. This is where alot of our tension is: I won’t let issues/being sighed at/eye rolled go, to him it’s not a big deal, and me bringing it up makes it a big deal. Can he ever understand having an ASD daughter with poor mental health issues unless he has one. He is a weekend ‘fun dad’ to his kids, none of the gritty day to day.

BF wants sex more than I do. I’m absolutely mentally and physically exhausted and I don’t know if it’s peri but I’ve had zero sex drive for a couple of years. He says he shows love through sex. He’s a very huggy and tactile person but my affection is spent on my daughter and I don’t have much left. I’d probably have maintenance sex once a month just to keep him ‘happy’ but then when he asks for it it gives me the ick and I think “why should I, you’d been eye rolling me all day”. He’ll walk up to me in the kitchen and just randomly hug me, no matter if I am busy. It just irritates me as he can see I am busy. Why is it that women feel like that have to take pills to improve their sex drive to please men, and not men take a pill to decrease theirs. Why is it not acceptable to just not want sex any more.

I feel like maintaining a relationship is like a pension for the future. I worry about it just being me and my daughter and something happening to me and she is left alone.

My daughter loves him like a father. I love him but I don’t know if that is because we’ve been together a while. But I constantly feel like I’m letting him down and I’m not a good enough partner and he needs more than someone who has no sex drive and he gets the scraps of my attention/energy. He’s around right now and I feel under pressure to sit with him and chat/watch tv but I’ve got lots to do, a daughter to see to (she’s having an autistic burnout) and I can’t split myself in two - which is the reasoning for the potential ‘buying a house together’; so he’s not a guest in this house and I can just crack on with my own stuff and not have to pause my day when he visits.

Do I stay with him for the father-like presence that he provides and one day, he might develop more of an outwardly-showing understanding of the situation, and I might develop a sex drive. Or just cut my losses and call it a day and enjoy no disappointed sighs, no pressure to have sex, and not feel like I’m torn in two having to give equal attention to my daughter and BF.

Sorry but I stopped reading when your boyfriend sighed and made his feelings known about your daughter. NO. He’s a dick.

Sorry, but I have an ASD child. Reading what your daughter is struggling with right now breaks my heart. Your bf does not get it at all. There are good men out there who are supportive and would understand. He is not it.

Also your title alone is upsetting. A partner should never make you feel torn. Child is always first and he should agree with that.

Why is he a dick?

If OP posted to say he never showed her affection, ordered her children around to accommodate his own and even asked them to eat a certain way, and admitted he was with her so if something happened to him she would look after his kids, you would be HOWLING.

The double standards on here are wild!

@Rainbowsponge
Alot of what the OP feels is a reaction to the BF’s poor behaviour. She doesn’t want sex because he has been eye rolling and huffing all day. I can’t think of any mother who finds a man who treats her child with open contempt so hot they want to jump into bed with them. It is his open and near constant contempt for her DD, that gives her the ick. This BF has then gaslit OP into thinking her not wanting sex with him is her problem, that it’s peri or low sex drive and she feels under pressure to give him more as it’s not good enough, she’s not good enough. The reality is that he is not good enough.

As for the micro-managing of his DC, you kind of have to when you have a child with a real disability that requires accommodations. I mean if her DD were blind, they’d have to keep everything in a set place and not have any mess or clutter ever do the blind person can navigate their own home. Autism is a real disability too and things like sensory issues around noises is not like what a NT person feels when a noise is irritating or loud but are felt by a ND person as physical pain of one description or another. Noise cancelling headphones are to prevent feeling actual pain.

Accommodating a disability isn’t the same as pandering to a naughty child’s unreasonable demands as you seem to be implying.

Not wanting sex or intimacy with somebody you call your lover is a problem. If you think it isn’t, then what’s the difference between friends and romantic relationships? This is just madness, I can guarantee 100% you would not be saying the same if the roles were reversed. You would be saying he was emotionally grey rocking her or something.

Accommodations should not be at the expense of other children being able to act normally, ever. Her daughter does not trump his kids.

As for ‘being with him so he can eventually look after her DD’, wtf? What would you even say if he said that about her? Go on - be honest.

If he doesn’t live there then when he has his children he can stay with his house with them, he doesn’t have to come with them to your house, same when your daughter is really struggling he can come round on a different day. I understand it’s hard, but it’s not fair that your daughter in her own home has to leave the dinner table- I don’t blame her either if people are eating open mouthed!

Surely you children should be eating with their mouths closed and not making disgusting noises anyway? They need to do that for their own benefit.

this is where alot of our tension is: I won’t let issues/being sighed at/eye rolled go, to him it’s not a big deal, and me bringing it up makes it a big deal.

What other issues will you not let go and keep bringing up? As above it sounds an awful environment. You want the whole house to centre around the needs of your dd, and I think you'd be much happier if his dc weren't about. I don't even think that's for the relationship with you given the distaste you express from a hug! It's really not a romantic relationship with him and a blended family it reads, you're just looking for a caregiver for your dd.

Ideally yes but it’s such a minor transgression that if he was picking at her kid for something so minor everyone would say LTB.

Agree.

Nothing about this constitutes security for your DD. That would be a bad reason to stay in a relationship that isn't working anyway, but in your case it's not even that. It's a non-existent reason.

To those saying the OP is micromanaging by insisting on closed mouth eating, isn’t it basic manners? I’m not autistic but would soon be saying something having to listen to all that at dinner.

OP, don’t move him in. You’re not compatible. I’m not team OP or boyfriend, sometimes people just can’t live together. This would be disastrous for your daughter.

@SallyGetYourGun this isn't the right relationship for you or your daughter. Time to let it go. It sounds like you are heading for burnout, which will make it impossible to help your daughter out of hers.

I speak from experience (and my 'sigher' didn't even have children of his own to add to the complication!). I was so much happier and more relaxed once we'd split up. I'd imagine he was, too.

Exactly! Do you think he’s going to be a parent to her? I’d be surprised he’d hang around after the funeral!

I wouldn’t be sitting at a table with kids looking as if they were chewing the cud! Not a minor transgression in this house!

This. Plus his huffing and puffing sounds annoying. I think it’s time to end your relationship as you seem to want different things

The noisy mouth open eating however sounds gross. I really wouldn’t want to see or hear that. It’s hardly as if your boyfriends children are that young either

Your BF can't help being disappointed at things going wrong but that doesn't mean he doesn't understand afterwards.
My son has adhd and asd so we've had to adapt and go with the flow a lot unfortunately it's just that me of those things.
Sometimes we aren't happy (I'm just about to go camping again because my son will only do that) and sometimes my son isn't because he has a sister with friends and they're loud and noisy.
Life is all about give and take and nothing is perfect can't she eat in front of the tv when his kids come on a special tray?
Unfortunately the world is noisy and messy and she might have to learn to manage in these situations or adapt the situation to suit her needs.
As much as your home is her Sanctuary from the world it's also your home and you deserve happiness just as much as she does.
Coming away from the beach managing expectations etc are all the best things you can do 🙌🙌🙌

Everyone saying but your daughter first.

Yes, absolutely, but OP also needs to put herself first too sometimes.

But I do agree the micromanaging his kids etc isn't working. He is allowed to be disappointed when things don't go to plan, or when he can't even hug you in an evening. That's what a relationship is about. Sex is a normal act in a relationship. He's not some sort of creep for expressing that.

You're not compatible.
Find someone that you can keep it casual with. Don't blend families if your DD can't handle it. But don't make out this bloke some sort of horrible sex creep monster.

As PP said, it the sexes we're reversed, it'd be a very different thread indeed.

Can he ever understand having an ASD daughter with poor mental health issues unless he has one. He is a weekend ‘fun dad’ to his kids, none of the gritty day to day.
If he wanted to understand he would by now. If he can't be bothered to be more than a disney dd to his own kids he's never going to get it.You can have a child with SEN and still not get it if that's what you're like. My XH, DC dad doesn't understand what our DC need and would rather pretend those needs dont exist. Our DD is Autistic and has anxiety and has had suicidal ideation and self harmed. Him now being an ex and out of our house has had a positive impact on her mental health. We have 3 Autistic kids and he will never understand because he doesn't want to. I know for me personally that my DC needs won't ever be compatible with me having a relationship.

Yes, not wanting sex is a relationship problem, but even if the sexes were reversed and the eye rolling, huffing, contemptuous, sulking partner were female, I’d say the same thing: the sex problem isn’t caused by a partner irrationally not wanting sex, the sex problem is caused by the partner who wants sex being a complete asshole to their partner’s disabled child.

Yes reasonable accommodations for disability do trump the convenience of others. That is the real world my dear. Disabled passengers board a plane first. Disabled people get priority seating. And so on. Some accommodations the OP has reasonable asked for are not at the expense of the other children- to tell them to chew with their mouth closed and use an inside voice when inside. That’s just good manners, it’s not some huge imposition on them.

The OP said that in the context of this is the only positive I can see in an otherwise shit relationship. Is it enough? And the answer is no.

It's not even cutting your losses. It's prioritising your daughter. She's struggling and there's a glaringly obvious thing you could do to help her right now.

You're maintaining this relationship as a pension for the future, in case something happens to her and she's left alone? What makes you think he would give two hoots about understanding her if you died? He doesn't now. Even if he did keep her under his wing, why would that be a good thing for her, to be left with someone who shows irritation and contempt for her needs?

End it, put her first, reclaim your home as a place for her and you and focus on prioriting her needs now, not down the line in case you go under a bus in an untimely fashion. Get now right and the future will sort itself out.

Best response IMO.