BF and ASD child - I feel torn

[SallyGetYourGun]

I’m 44F with an autistic 12 year daughter. It’s really hard and she’s been self harming but thankfully that seems to have stopped/is under control. She sees a psychologist. My boyfriend of 6 years doesn’t live with us. He has two children, 13M and 8F. We’ve been talking on/off about buying a house together in the future. His kids are not SEN, they’re loud and when they’re here, my daughter just retreats to her room. My daughter takes up so much of my time and energy. She doesn’t see her own father and she’s with me all day. She has no friends. She attends mainstream and the EHCP application is in process, ideally I’d like her to go to as ASD school, but that’s another post. She’s completely overwhelmed by mainstream and she hasn’t been able to attend since February. I work full time from home. It’s hard trying to educate her in the day and catch up on my work in the evening.

My daughter comes first and if she’s overwhelmed or overstimulated, we’ll leave whatever it is we’re doing. BF makes his disappointment known. He’ll audibly sigh and ‘deflate’ and sort of look away to show indifference and say “fine” in a petulant way in the moment. For example, we went to the beach on holiday, daughter was really struggling with the sensory overload and I said I’d take her back, no problem, he can stay with his kids. He sighs and says fine/OK. But clearly he felt hard done by as we didn’t have the perfect family day out. A bit later on he tells me he does understand and he sighs because he cares and is disappointed. But in that moment I don’t feel supported, I feel like it’s me and my daughter against the world and he’s not on the team. His kids eat with their mouths open and that’s horrible anyway but it’s a huge sensory trigger for my daughter, all the wet squelchy eating noises. I’ve asked time and time again for him to speak to his kids, I’ve asked his kids to please stop it. They don’t, so we end up leaving the dining table even in our own house. She has to wear noise cancelling headphones when they’re with us. He sighs when I bring it up. These are just little examples but they, plus more things, happen a lot. Post annoyance, when I’ve spoken to him, he just says he can’t control it in the moment, he doesn’t know he does it so how can he stop. I always speak to him when he comes across as being annoyed or disappointed and it bothers him that I pull him up on it but I can’t not say something as I’m not a walk over and no one gets to eye roll me at a situation that I can’t control. This is where alot of our tension is: I won’t let issues/being sighed at/eye rolled go, to him it’s not a big deal, and me bringing it up makes it a big deal. Can he ever understand having an ASD daughter with poor mental health issues unless he has one. He is a weekend ‘fun dad’ to his kids, none of the gritty day to day.

BF wants sex more than I do. I’m absolutely mentally and physically exhausted and I don’t know if it’s peri but I’ve had zero sex drive for a couple of years. He says he shows love through sex. He’s a very huggy and tactile person but my affection is spent on my daughter and I don’t have much left. I’d probably have maintenance sex once a month just to keep him ‘happy’ but then when he asks for it it gives me the ick and I think “why should I, you’d been eye rolling me all day”. He’ll walk up to me in the kitchen and just randomly hug me, no matter if I am busy. It just irritates me as he can see I am busy. Why is it that women feel like that have to take pills to improve their sex drive to please men, and not men take a pill to decrease theirs. Why is it not acceptable to just not want sex any more.

I feel like maintaining a relationship is like a pension for the future. I worry about it just being me and my daughter and something happening to me and she is left alone.

My daughter loves him like a father. I love him but I don’t know if that is because we’ve been together a while. But I constantly feel like I’m letting him down and I’m not a good enough partner and he needs more than someone who has no sex drive and he gets the scraps of my attention/energy. He’s around right now and I feel under pressure to sit with him and chat/watch tv but I’ve got lots to do, a daughter to see to (she’s having an autistic burnout) and I can’t split myself in two - which is the reasoning for the potential ‘buying a house together’; so he’s not a guest in this house and I can just crack on with my own stuff and not have to pause my day when he visits.

Do I stay with him for the father-like presence that he provides and one day, he might develop more of an outwardly-showing understanding of the situation, and I might develop a sex drive. Or just cut my losses and call it a day and enjoy no disappointed sighs, no pressure to have sex, and not feel like I’m torn in two having to give equal attention to my daughter and BF.

This, I think actually living together would be awful, as much as you say he doesn't tolerate your dd, you have the same opinion for his dc? You speak about them with disdain and dislike so I can't imagine it's a very hospitable environment for them? If you moved in with him, would you accept its their home too and they could move in as full time home at any time?

I think you've made and built your life around your DD to such a degree that there is no room for anyone else's needs, or your own. He's there for a father figure and future guardian if required.
You don't mention it, but I hope you still sometimes go on adult only date nights, otherwise what's the point, and what's in it for him? He's not on the planet only to benefit your DD, but you kinda imply that to you, that is his only purpose.

Yes I agree.

If you’re only with him so he can look after dd if something happens to you I’d think again - he only has his own children at the weekends so why would he look after her full time?

It sounds like you would all be better off if you separated, including your dd and his dc.

I think you mistake this man for someone you and your dd can rely on. Its not a good basis for a relationship and, in fact, the relationship is no good. He wants sex with an available woman and you are not that person.

It doesn’t matter that your dd “loves him like a father.” She is mistaken about what kind of man he is. He can’t and won’t love her back. As far as he can see she is your problem.

It’s like you think he’s the unreasonable one for not wanting to raise somebody else’s child, who barely tolerates him, refuses any affection and micro manages his children.

I think it can be quite a challenge parenting as an ND woman with an autistic ds with a neurotypical man who just doesn’t get it, but loves him unconditionally because he’s his son.

Without that bedrock of parental devotion, I think everything would be so much harder. We only talk about the deficits of being neurodivergent but I honestly believe that neurotypical brains are wired differently and cannot process some of our alternative experiences.

I think I’d stop trying to blend the families and see him during times when he doesn’t have his dc. Things will likely change over the years and if this is a LT thing, take it slow.

Your poor kid.

The number of women on here desperate for blended families at any cost is unreal.

I don’t think the category “raising someone elses child” is terribly meaningful to me. I certainly don’t think its a huge imposition. If you love someone you should be prepared to care for them and their vulnerable children.

At any rate if he thinks that isn’t what he wants and he takes OP’s dd’s SEN as a personal problem they are just incompatible.

Oh please. If OP posted saying a boyfriend barely tolerated her, refused physical affection, ordered her kids around to avoid triggering his own and was only with her because he expected her to care for his kids if anything happened to him, posters here would be OUTRAGED.

Raising somebody else’s child is NOT a small imposition, it’s life changing and underplaying it because he’s male and therefore in the wrong is ridiculous.

Absolutely agree @Rainbowsponge posters saying things like if he can't accept her dc, its a no go, but ignoring her same attitude to his dc!

No it’s not going to work.

take your own daughter - live your life and end off. This situation won’t work
. Go and have fun with her - don’t mix up the family she will need mummy only. Especially as ND.

he is not respecting everything as you as a “package” (mum and daughter) it’s an easy way to s*x - he is not the one for you and your daughter (you come as a package) - i would ditch him a million percent

Split up. You don't have to devote any time to him or his children, he gets to find somebody who actually likes him for more than the prospect of his income once your daughter is an adult.

Your daughter sounds very similar ASD to my DD15. We struggle as a family, DS12 has ADHD and he makes noises DD can't tolerate and it's so hard dealing with it - in all honesty, I'd be concentrating on your child, sounds like you need a full break from it all to be honest, are you able to get any respite?
Good luck

Because he is the only father she knows? I’m not saying she should stay with him, but obviously she has to consider her daughters love for him!

He doesn't sound awful, IMO, but you two seem very mismatched. And it's not fair on any of the children to have their lives so curtailed because his and yours are so different.

I'm 53 and Autistic, with a 12 year old Autistic daughter. For me, personally, it was never going to work with a new partner.

Have you asked your DD how she really feels?

Personally, it's an absolute dealbreaker for me. Having a person adding stress to your life does not add value. Quite the opposite. My DD has to feel that home is her safe space. I walked away from my partner because he was never going to get this. It was the best thing I ever did.

Yes, if anything happens to me, my DD may be alone. But we have a lovely, quiet life whereby she always knows what she's coming home to. No surprises, no compromises.

Agree with this. The whole situation is awful for all of the children, not just the ops dd.
It sounds like op really resents the bf's dc and it must be a horrible atmosphere for everyone when they visit with everyone walking on eggshells.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I have a 9 year old autistic daughter (and 8 year old ADHD son). I'm not sure you'll get what you need from your relationship and strongly recommend you don't move in together. I've got a great partner who lives 90 mins away and he doesn't do what your partner is doing, in fact the opposite, so it is possible to meet someone.

I can understand why you're worried about the future, I was too. But he's not the person who's going to take care of that. Your lives would be so stressful living together.

My partner is also a single parent and brought up his 19 yo DS completely alone. He did find it difficult with my daughter at first but went off and read up on ASD and listened to audio books and has since spent lots of time talking with me about how we can make things easier for her. He's fully on board with it.

We just had a lovely holiday all together. Low key destination, not too far. Chilled out self catering where we looked after the owners cats. One activity a day, quiet time, nothing too ambitious. Not perfect, still the usual meltdowns and difficulties but overall pleasant and relaxed. However, we won't be moving in together any time soon as I feel that adds unneeded pressure to everyone's situation. We get out time to decompress when he's away a few days every week at his home.

Particularly with self harming in the mix and presumably anxiety, I honestly think living together would be too much. For posters saying you're being controlling, this is how it has to be with an autistic child in my experience. You learn to try to control things to manage stress levels.

Regarding the sex, my partner is actually the same. Most of the time I'm ok with it. With peri my sex drive has gone down and he's understanding about that to a degree. He gives me more massages now and takes more time over things and that helps with getting in the mood. His being great with the kids means I want to show him I love him too and for him sex definitely does that. Having SEN children takes so much energy though, I'm not surprised you're not up for it. If I perceived unkindness eg eye rolling that would definitely kill my libido.

He does the coming up and hugging me. If I'm feeling ok and relaxed in myself I like it but in amongst all the stress it makes me want to scream get off me! I'm autistic and ADHD myself and I think that's partly why I struggle with it. Too much sensory input at once - kids wanting things, partner hugging me or wanting a kiss, dog barking, too much going on!

For your daughters sake, I strongly urge you not to move in together though, it's just too much, especially her having to cope with other children.

It all sounds utterly shite. Just knock it on the head

It's not micromanaging to expect basic manners. Eating with mouths open is disgusting.

It would trigger me and I'm not autistic.

Honestly though, I've watched several friends move on with complicated blended families, often very quickly. It seems exhausting. I'm so glad my autistic child and I can just relax and have our haven at home.

If I ever try and have another relationship it won't be until my son is grown. It goes very fast really.

Can't you just date with your DP or is it impossible if you don't have time away from DD, so he has to come to your house? Does he have to bring his kids?

If it was me, I'd see him less or park it for a bit.

You’re both unhappy so stop flogging the dead horse. It’s not unfair on any of the kids.

Completely agree with this.

No don’t stay with him. You not feeling good enough because of how he constantly chips away at your DD must be magnified a thousand times in her. He is NOT a good stepfather at all. He is the kind of father that makes a ASD child desperate for approval but no matter how hard they try, they will always disappoint.

You may find some of her autistic burnout is from her constantly trying to be the NT stepdaughter she cannot ever become. Your DD gets no downtime from masking, she isn’t even comfortable in her own home.

Please, for you and your DD, break up. I rarely say this on MN. I am not the kind of person who likes to explode families apart by being a keyboard warrior. I know it is really overwhelming hard to end a long term relationship to feel like you are admitting a failure of sorts. But honestly, you havent failed, your BF has utterly failed the litmus test of treating your ASD daughter with kindness and consideration. He has been trying to shame her out of being autistic by nonverbal means. It’s not going to stop. He has ignored every bit of advice you have given him to accept and interact with your DD appropriately. He then gaslights you and denies he is in the wrong. You can’t fix him. Or his children.

You and DD will be happier just the two of you.

Sorry I meant to clear the quote before posting but forgot. 😞 wish I could edit that bit!