Breaking ties with dysfunctional family and really need some supportive words, having a wobble.

[Whatdoyoucall]

I’m the family scapegoat, black sheep, always have been, I’m 41 now. I wanted to take my life back. I’ve always been a people pleaser, desperate for any scrap of attention or validity I could get. I’ve never been happy, never good enough despite how hard I’ve tried. I just can’t be like them, I’ve my own identity that I hold back.

Well about 6 months ago I decided I’d had enough. I’m a mum of two and this way of living is pathetic and soul destroying. I have stopped putting in the effort. Family members now make no effort to even speak to me. In fact between them they are talking about me in this see I told you she was the bad egg kind of way. They all meet up and holiday without me and my little family. We really aren’t awful people. I have a different personality and identify and thoughts but surely this is ok and we all family still.

Anyway I’m just feeling a little crap even though deep down I knew this would happen. My sibling can do absolutely no wrong. I shouldn’t be peaked out like this.

Pushed not peaked.

well done for making the decision to not take it anymore. Have you got people around you who are more like you than your family are, imo they kind of become your new family / support when this happens. Spending time in your own little family doing fun things & being friendly & happier will has to be better than being with people who don't like you!

Sadly a lot of us in this boat and none of us deserve it. Find the 'we took you to stately homes' threads. We support each other there x

I've been there too and totally understand what you mean about eating shit and then feeling terrible. I too decided I had to start sticking up for myself and I went no contact about 25 years ago.

At first it was hard and difficult and painful. I grieved for my dad properly for about two years. But alongside the sadness I developed soooo much as a person. I changed my job, my look, I took up guitar and singing, I changed my hair. I thought, God if I'm never going to see them again then they're never going to know what I decide to make of my life, so the road is absolutely open and clear for me.

Also the lack of abuse goes a looong way to making this decision ok. The lack of comments, of phonically that just upset me like snakes and ladders.

So from me I'd say, I am sorry you are having to chose this road BUT it has definite upsides. Truly. Yo have your own family. Just watch and wait, things will get so much better.

And don't look them up for news. I did do this and it never worked out well. I saw photos and thought their lives were so happy. I spoke to a family member about ten years in and realised the photos did not show the truth. Nothing good ever came of me trying to find out how they were so I don't do it these days.

Build your life and just enjoy and get used to the fact that no one is ever going to treat you like they did, ever again. x

*lack of phone calls, sorry, they upset me and sent me on downers.

I did this two years ago and it was extremely hard at first. I have a large family and loyalty is above everything else. But I couldn't stand the fact they made no effort and others would badmouth me. Apparently I had borderline personality disorder and having a breakdown because I refused to pander to their emotionally abusive ways anymore. Nothing to do with the fact my dad had just died and they had acted selfishly.

You are grieving what could have been really. But if you were there, you would still feel the same. Focusing on good friends is important. Don't try and get updates. It just adds to the pain. Don't think you have cut them off but that you are taking a break. That might feel better accepting your decision. Then reassess in a years time.

I shouldn’t be pushed out like this

Where does that 'should' come from? Where there's a should, there's a presumption that there is some kind of rule or authority about the shape of our lives. Why 'shouldn't' you be pushed out like this?

I left my shit father behind years ago, and working out the answer to this helped me. It's a train of thought, a process, so you might not see where it goes to start with, but, can you first answer that question? Why shouldn't you be pushed out like this?

@Watchkeys family in my view just isn’t this. We should all be allowed to be different and still loved. It’s the way I want to live. I’ve no idea what’s going in parts of my family but I don’t like it.

About 7 years ago I changed my phone number and I'm soooo much happier I've no regrets at all it's like that part of my life never happened that's why advise block if they are on social media and change you're phone number.

We should all be allowed to be different and still loved

There's another 'should'. Why should we be allowed? According to what rule/moral/ethical standpoint etc? I'm trying to identify the principle you're aiming at, rather than the resulting 'shoulds' that are the outcome. There's no right answer. It's something you're identifying in yourself.

I should add that there's no wrong answer either, otherwise it just sounds mean!

@Watchkeys according to my morals we should. That’s why I’ve pulled away. In my family we all have to worship my brother and that’s that. No one gives a rats arse about me and my family, only him and his kids. It’s not right for my children to have to see this. Their own grandparents haven’t spoken to them in coming on 3 months now but they with the other grandchildren all the time. It’s enough I feel rejected but this has nothing to do with them and it’s just wrong. They talk about how my kids are like me and that’s an issue.

@Watchkeys it sounds like semantics and a bit gaslighty: “why shouldn’t they push you out?” Although I know you probably don’t mean it like that and possibly you intend it to unhook the OP from set thinking/attachment.

However @Whatdoyoucall you have every right to say they’re my family, they shouldn’t behave like this, they shouldn’t scapegoat and push me out, it’s not ok.

Well done on your decision to free yourself. Look to the future and focus on the love and happiness you do have in your life.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Your interpretation is also involved, there. No gaslighting coming from me. There's nothing wrong with approaching a problem via semantics. The words we choose to use are very powerful, and questioning them can question much more than the words themselves. As I said, I answered the question for myself and it helped me detach from my father.

@Whatdoyoucall

So you're essentially saying that they 'should' obey your moral code? Why is that? Why shouldn't you be following theirs? (For clarity, I'm not suggesting you should, I'm suggesting you question the structures your beliefs rest upon)

Your approach just seems undermining to the OP right now. She needs support in her decision and that decision stems from acknowledging that she shouldn’t be treated with unfairness and a lack of love. It’s good she’s owning that.

Perhaps you could allow me to post what I want to, without monitoring 'my approach'? You are not an authority, here.

@Whatdoyoucall I trust you're capable of saying if there's a problem, or not answering questions you don't want to.

Of course go ahead and post what you like - and so will I. Or do you mean that you can post what you like, but I need to be silenced?

I’m sure you mean well. It just doesn’t seem helpful. But maybe it is helpful @Whatdoyoucall ?

Head over to the stately homes thread OP. You will only receive support there and nobody will pick apart the language you use.

Agree @Twatalert

OP, why do you want to spend time with people who are so unpleasant? You are well rid of them. Just because they are "family" doesn't make them special - they're just people, as we all are. Concentrate on your friends and the people who you like and are nice to you, and I promise you'll feel much happier.

It’s difficult because I’ve 40 odd years of them being special. Everyone in their circle holds this notion that they are special. But behind everyone’s backs they all talking about each other. I’ve wanted their acceptance as my parents and my family but I know now I won’t get it because I have completely different values to them. I’ve rated myself against them and always come to the conclusion that it must be me that’s in the wrong because they all fine. But they aren’t fine. No fine people treat children like pawns.

I guess I’m looking for a bit of validation because the only voices and the only opinions are those who are treating me badly. I don’t think it’s right to ostracise a person and their family because you favour your other child. Who really is just a normal person, they aren’t special. Or should I say they talk like they are special and perfect and they are identical to my mum especially, they have identical views on everything. The same clothes, the same decorations of house, the same holidays the same everything. I have different likes.

We hear you OP. Agree with maybe checking out the Stately Homes thread.

OP, you are not the problem, ok? All that matters is how you feel and how you feel is valid. You haven't imagined it all those years. It sounds like you are onto them and realise they are not the parents you should have had. So that's the first step. Getting to terms with it and starting to unpick how your upbringing affected you.

All that matters is how you feel and what your boundaries are and if they are being respected or not. You said that your kids shouldn't have to witness all this, which is so important to realise. You put them and yourself first and perhaps seek emotional support to help you do that? Breaking away from the family of birth can be very difficult, that's why I suggest seeking emotional support.