Breaking ties with dysfunctional family and really need some supportive words, having a wobble.

[Whatdoyoucall]

I’m the family scapegoat, black sheep, always have been, I’m 41 now. I wanted to take my life back. I’ve always been a people pleaser, desperate for any scrap of attention or validity I could get. I’ve never been happy, never good enough despite how hard I’ve tried. I just can’t be like them, I’ve my own identity that I hold back.

Well about 6 months ago I decided I’d had enough. I’m a mum of two and this way of living is pathetic and soul destroying. I have stopped putting in the effort. Family members now make no effort to even speak to me. In fact between them they are talking about me in this see I told you she was the bad egg kind of way. They all meet up and holiday without me and my little family. We really aren’t awful people. I have a different personality and identify and thoughts but surely this is ok and we all family still.

Anyway I’m just feeling a little crap even though deep down I knew this would happen. My sibling can do absolutely no wrong. I shouldn’t be peaked out like this.

@Twatalert it’s difficult to know who to trust to talk to. I’ve had a chat with Nan and she has said that mum has had difficulties with relationships for a long time. It all feels so weirdly normal but it’s weirdly not. My partner is good to talk to be he probably doesn’t want to hear about it all the time. The few decent friends I have understand, some come
from dysfunctional families also. One has been no contact. I can tell she is affected by it. Her mum holds them ransom over money and inheritance. From the outside it all looks so good. And I absolutely agree with the poster who told me not to go looking at photos on SM. It does really get me down but I also know there is a price to pay for being favoured. It’s hard to not look.

@Whatdoyoucall your support network cannot be your immediate family, so not your gran as their views will be clouded by what they know (a dysfunctional family. Do they know what a healthy family looks like?). Also, your nan is not impartial. I'd say lean on the friends that understand the dysfunction from their own experience but try and gauge how much they are willing to hear from you are talk about as it's difficult to be reminded.

I'd probably not pour my heart out to friends who come from healthy families as it is so incredibly hard to understand if you haven't experienced it.

You are really hurt by the inequality between you and your brother. It might help to start to understand that this isn't your fault and it isn't about you, even though that's probably what they made you believe. It's all about your parents and what they have projected onto you.

There is also the option of seeing a therapist and be it just to share your thoughts and feelings with someone regularly.

@Twatalert I know it isn’t about me, well I do now but I didn’t for a long time. It’s so so hard to not go looking and to avoid this whole theatre of people. They all look to be playing roles apart from me. Well I guess I am playing a role of black sheep. I do prefer it this way because it was hard not being myself. I just haven’t a lot of people in my life because I seemed to have a lot of the wrong people. It feels lonely at times but yeah the alternative is a load of people who don’t like me.

I an going through similar. My dad who i was very close with died recently and i feel like the while family has turned on me. They are obviously having converstaions behind my back and I am being scapegoated. I am grieving my Dad but also having to deal with this also which makes everything so much harder.

I know in the long run I will be ok as they are all toxic but it just hurts and is difficult to deal with now.

Op I get what you mean about it been lonely but have a great group of friends who have now become family. I also find meditation and yoga helps

It is lonely when you realise you’ve waisted your time cultivating relationships with people who don’t like you when you could have used that time making new friends. At least I realise now but it really does feel alien.

I’ve also worried my whole life that people won’t like me because I’ve this inner self hate so I’ve never approached people as equals. I thought they wouldn’t want to be my friend as I’m not likable.

Members of your family don't not like you. This is the issue. Because if you pull them up on it, they will deny any issue. The problem is they are not able to be what you need them to be. They are not capable of it. That doesn't make them bad people but you need time to reset your expectations of them. Which is why it is important to tell yourself you are taking a step back to focus on your boundaries and self esteem. Then if you still want a relationship, you have the confidence to do it on your terms. If they say things like "you've changed" or push back....let them. It's their issue, not yours.

@Mehmeh22 umm I kind of don’t agree. They laugh at me and make unkind comments. They don’t do the same to their other child. They actively when we are sat together ignore me and basically refuse to acknowledge me. They have told me I should be more like their daughter in law. They don’t deny really. Or they will say I’m the one taking it wrong and I need to change. If I came at them with my personality I’d tell them to F off because how dare they treat me so differently.

@Whatdoyoucall seriously go to the stately homes thread. No judgement no questions or queries we all sadly fully understand.

I also don't agree. I think if you are doing really well they see it as a reflection of their failings and they sometimes want to 'knock you down a peg or too'.

I think it is definitely a case of them not liking you whatever the reason. I just had a vision of being part of a big family growing up and it's sad how I feel so isolated now. I have amazing friends but I sometimes feel embarrassed especially around Christmas when everyone talks about spending time with family and I have none really.

@Fajita123 I also dream of being part of a family, going on family holidays and Christmas’s. This really gets me down. I can accept that something is going on and no matter what I do or how nice I am I will never be accepted but I can’t stop this feeling.